Please read... This is hard

Hello all my name is Charlie, My story starts at the young age of 6. My middle brother died in a house fire while staying the night at a friends house. the mother of the friend left the house while the kids were sleeping, and left the stove on, killing my brother and 4 other kids. I remember everything very well, as I am 27 now. This was hard, not only did I lose a sibling but our lives changed as well. We used to go to church, that stopped. We did more as a family, that stopped. it was as if our lives stopped. Along the lines I lost other close relatives. My grand father, my aunt, and my other grand mother. Loses that did not bother me as much as a sibling. however, still upsetting. I went into the military at the age of 17 and remained there for 2 years until leaving with medical discharge for asthma. When I was 23 I found my father dead, I helped my mother provide cpr until paramedics arrived. to no avail I lost my father that night to a massive heart attack. I lost the man of my life, my rock and my strength. my father and I seriously bonded as I became older, both him and my older brother became very close. This death has hurt me and still continues to this day. At the age of 25 I lost my brother to a OD. My brother was 32 and had 6 kids. This death hit me especially hard as I discovered his body as well. He was a great man going through hard times and took something he shouldn't have. By no means am I advocating the use of drugs. I know in my heart he would have never done this on purpose. Now we fast forward to my life. I am married, 27, have 2 daughters. I have a great family. The problem is, I have lost all enjoyment in everything. Each day I am around I wish I was not. I know we are not to talk about sucide and I respect that, so I will not. I find no enjoyment in the things I used to love, every day I have many panic attacks about finding my family members now dead, or that one day I am going to lose everyone. these thoughts consume my every move, this has been going on for years and I can not surpress them or keep them in anymore. It is destroying me on the inside. recently I lost a great job while I was in the hospital trying to correct some issues with me. my job then lost business and released me from working at a 1099 sub contractor. I am currently suffering to find a job. I have found a couple, and while working them as many hours as I can get. I find it really hard to be able to go through a whole shift. Consistently worrying about another death or my death, or something else happening. I make myself sick every day worrying and being so down on myself. I feel like such a loser and cant seem to find any motivation. I have never been without a job, and I am the man of the house and should be providing for family. however my body and mind will not let me. I have been hospitalized many times including a 45 day stint in a hospital while in the military. I have tried conslers, CBT, medication, therapist who just throw medicine at me. I lost my insurance, no job, another baby on the way and I cannot find the motivation to help with anything. I try and try and try to help. Sometimes I can, and I work around the house for 12+ hours. other times I cannot get out of bed. Nothing but memories and bad visions come to my head at all hours of the night. I am currently not on any medicines other than Prozac 40mg a day. I will occasionally will smoke cannabis, and it helps with the excessive worrying. However my doctor recently took me off the meds because I admitted to still smoking after explaining to my dr that I do not want to be on any meds that are going to make me lethargic or zombie like. Long story short and I apologize for the long post. I cannot seem to break this rut, I have been experiencing this feelings for many years. I have tried many forms of help and nothing seems to work. I cant help but feel like I am to far gone. I do not want to go to hospital and be on a 3 day hold and be in there with meth heads, and people looking for fixes. Because our town truly judges people (small town). I want to find someone or some program to help me find a answer and help me get back on track. I do not want anything bad to happen, and I do not want to feel this way for the rest of my life. Please tell me there is a light somewhere at the end of this dark dark tunnel. Thank you in advanced, and please to do not bring religion into this, I understand a lot of people have found help through there gods, and deities, and that is great. However it is not for me.

thank you,

Charlie

wow, just finished reading, that is a tough story, i am sorry for your losses.
on a personal note i found hypnotherapy (not a lot of talking , good for blokes like me ) has helped.
my brother in law looks like a human version of shrek....the guys a monster...gave up a smoking habit and gambling in three sessions !. so it does work and you won't come out clucking like a chicken, unless of course you want to....!
i do not take meds because they do not work and the side effects are horrific.
i have a friend who is a doctor and also my brother owns a medical research company so know all the dirt .
congrats on the new baby on the way (i give you a blokey punch on the arm , or a manly hi 5, no hugging in this man's world. )
keep going and be brave, i believe in you.
take care

Ty abyss. It was nice to read your comments. And I appreciate the bloke like arm hit. Lol. It's funny my brother who just passed was a ogre looking guy haha. But all kidding aside I will look into the hypnotherapy. I would like a long happy life and to be nothing but happy and joyful. But my mind keeps that away. I have tried all sorts of meds and the CBT treatment. Also hospitalization. It seems like nothing helps. The good thing is I know I have been looking in the wrong place, I just need to find that one shred of hope and hold into it possibly helping me get better. Again thank you. Maybe a move from the states would do me good. Maybe Australia .

I am so sorry for your losses, I can't begin to imagine how hard it must have been to lose so many close relatives. I wish I had something helpful to say, just know you're in my thoughts