Sad and Scared

I hate saying that I'm dealing with depression. I always feel selfish when I talk about it. I'm afraid I'm going to say the wrong thing to someone and they're going to say that I have nothing to be sad about, that I'm overreacting and that there will always be someone who has it worse than I do.

I KNOW someone else has it worse than me.

I have never majorly dealt with depression, except one other time than now. During my Sophomore year, my girlfriend (who was also a long time friend) broke up with me (yes, I'm a girl and bi) and was still acting like she was with me, but then she met another guy, so we'd be together and then she would tell me how amazing he was.

Because of that, there became a huge strain on my best friend and I and I began to feel left out.

It went away during my Junior year and has basically stayed gone until now. Since then I've gone to college, flunked out, met my boyfriend, had a baby, got married, and went back to college, so obviously I've had a lot going on. Hell, since I had the baby, my husband, baby, and I moved back in with my mom.

I know this is probably postpartum depression to an extent, but I'm beginning to believe it has developed into almost "real" depression rather than a simple matter of baby blues. It has 6 months since I even had the baby.

At first, I was happy. I think the depression just started because I was up late at night all the time, but then the baby began sleeping all night and I was basically fine, except for our money troubles. We had moved in with my mom in order to save money since we had a new baby. Somehow we ended up being more broke once we got in here. I have no idea how. We have not saved a dime.

I've hyperventilated many times because of the money troubles I now have. My husband also got laid off from his job, so that definitely doesn't help matters.

We've only been married three months and we're already having money troubles.

I hate myself, more than I can say. I don't think I ever loved myself, but somehow I've begun to hate who I've become. My life didn't turn out the way I wanted it too. I'm unhappy with my body and I've been eating more, to I guess, try to fight off the depression and even when I get enough sleep, I feel so tired.

My husband and I are also at two completely different ends of the emotional scale. I'm overly emotional and he is super distant emotionally which is also creating problems cause he doesn't understand why I am sad.

I have no medical insurance, I can't talk to anyone. I haven't even told my friends about the thoughts I've been having. I just told my husband the words last night that I've thought of suicide.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think I would ever do it. I don't want to leave my child alone without a mother, but what gets me is I've never even thought of it before. There are some nights that I'm sitting on my own, either crying or just completely numb about life in general and I begin to think about what it would be like to escape. My thoughts always go to maybe a tall building or a bridge and I wonder what it would feel like to just fall until...

As I said though...I wouldn't do it. I love my family too much.

I'm so stressed out though and I can't afford to cut out any of my stress. I have a new baby, a new job, that I love for the most part, I am also now a Mary Kay Beauty Consultant on the side, plus I am going to school. I never get to see my friends anymore or even just get out to do anything, or get any alone time whatsoever. Not to mention my baby is also currently teething, so he's just mad all the time.

In my household there is my mother, my brother, my husband, my son, two cats, a dog, and myself.

My husband hates my friends too as I discovered last night...well, I knew he hated them, but he left a google search open asking how to keep his girlfriend away from his friends, which just sounds possessive and pisses me off. We've talked about it and he says he didn't mean for it to sound like it did, but he doesn't want them around...the only time I see them is when they come over :/

And all I can say is, I don't know what to do at all and I'm scared of myself. Please help I feel so helpless.

Hi...
You have every reason to feel as you do...

Even your recent 'contemplation' of suicide. It's great that you know you would not end your life, but do not worry that you have thought of it, because it is something a person needs to decide about...

I have also thought of it from time-to-time...not recently, but I did when I was feeling most hopeless about my own life, and I made a decision to never, ever give up on myself...

If you really think about it, it seems natural that our minds would entertain the idea of ending the pain... it is an odd 'mental treat' in that respect... a way for us to think that we can just 'escape' from deep pain. I think it's good you shared with your husband about having even had the thoughts...he needs to know the depth of what you are going through.

I think it is good that you are allowing yourself to feel the depths of your feelings...don't be afraid of them...they are there to help you...without experiencing the bottom, the deep pain you have carried, you cannot find your way to a satisfying life. Look at them like a compass...

You shared about a lot of stressful issues, but you also shared about a lot of really positive things. The stressful things you shared about can and will pass...

money issues
your husband's work situation
living with family
you have a young child

So, the good news... you do not seem to have any permanent negative challenges...

your positives...
you have a marriage that doesn't sound too unusual, for a young person...
you have a healthy child, yes?
you have a job...two! Luckily, one that you do on your own time and gets you out and about...
you have pets around to enjoy...
you have friends, even if your husband doesn't like them a lot... this IS something you and he can work through, if there is real love there...
you have basic good physical health?...

None of that is to say you have nothing to be depressed about...

The major thing I hear that would depress me most...
"I hate myself."

That is deeply low self-esteem.
NOT uncommon. So many people enter adulthood without true self-esteem...
Good news...you can grow your self-esteem, at any age...same as you would with a child...

Let me ask:
If you were older and had a daughter your age, with the same life situation you are currently dealing with, would you want her to hate herself? I'm 100% certain you would say "absolutely not." Please remind yourself that you deserve as much love and compassion from YOU to YOU, as your own child deserves from you...in fact, you MUST love yourself, and it's something a lot of people never really 'get'... you are getting that...that is why you are depressed! Your SELF is calling out to you...to your Soul...

So, it is time to decide to never again 'hate' yourself.

Still... loving oneself is easier said than done, I know...
I was not brought up to love myself. Most typical females (and many males) aren't... we have to learn how.

How will you love yourself?

Just by posting this message asking for support is one way you are loving yourself!!! YEAH! And, is evidence that you do NOT hate yourself!

What about looking at some of YOUR needs, and brainstorming ways to get them met?

You mentioned not having time for yourself...
Can you ask your family (mother, brother, husband) to arrange to take turns to give you time once per week to just be with yourself? Can you tell them how much you need this and perhaps offer to do the same for each of them, if they need it, too?

You also mentioned not liking gaining weight...
Can you think of ways to eat healthier... maybe join Weight Watchers? Get an Exercycle? or both? Can you choose to do other things when you are tempted to eat when not hungry?

I really don't know what your most important needs are that are not being met well right now... or how YOU will choose to meet them, but I do know that as you begin to meet more of them, little-by-little, you will raise your self-esteem.

IF you have past family issues that you have not gotten past, that is another area to take care of FOR YOURSELF... however that may look...journaling, reading a self-help book...

Thank you for sharing... I am now more aware of how I, also, need to keep addressing my own self-esteem issues...

I hope that something I wrote helped you, too.

God bless you... never give up!
Chloe