[LaurenLeigh]

Hi. I'm Lauren and want to tell you my story. Before I married Gary 22 years ago I was a happy person who liked to laugh and loved my job. Gary was one of the managers where I worked and things were great but as soon as we got married things changed. I used to be considered attractive but he started telling me how ugly I was. When I tried to cook he told me I didn't wipe off the counters the right way. If I tried to boil water, the pan wasn't positioned correctly. He didn't like my cooking.

He told me I couldn't have anyone in the house and sold my car. I had to quit work and started abusing alcohol and prescription meds. It was a slow insidious process but it got to a point that I thought I was so ugly that I couldn't bear or anyone to look at me. If we went to the store he helped shield me from other people so they wouldn't have to look at me. He started hiding my things like my jewelry and saying I lost them as usual. He was always putting my things in different places and telling me I did it. BTW, after he died, when I was going through his things, I found my jewelry in one of his briefcases.

He was sadistic and loved me to be hurt. He cheated on me from the first week we were married. He confessed that on his death bed. I already knew it anyway but didn't want to know it. For years he maintained the households of two women, Barb and Barbie. As a manager he was given stock in the company. After he died I found evidence in our tax returns that over the course of ten years he had sold all his stock which amounted to over a million and a half dollars. He had an annuity that would have given me 800 dollars a month but cashed that in and gave it to his girlfriends. He took an advance on his life insurance and left me with only half of it. Barb has been going around telling people she had suddenly come into money from a long lost relative.

Once I fell first thing in the morning and broke my shoulder and arm. He left me on the floor all day and finally took me to the hospital when it was dark outside. I had told him I needed to use the bathroom and he told me to just go ahead and go. He went downstairs and just left me on the floor. Once I fell and broke my nose and he was so disgusted. There was blood everywhere and he yelled at me to clean up that mess. I could tell you story after story. Whenever I was hurt or in the hospital he was so cruel. It was such a nightmare.

And then he got lung cancer and it took him 3 long years for him to die. For those 20 years I had taken to my bed. I just wanted to stay in bed so I wouldn't have to see what was going on. He brought home alcohol for me to drink every day. He wanted me out of it so he could do what he wanted without a hassle. And then he got so sick I had to change his diapers and wipe his but and feed him and clean him up even knowing he was texting and talking to his girlfriends right in front of me!!! He broke me completely.

But I have been seeing a wonderful therapist, Eileen. I am finally getting to the point where I get out of bed. Sometime I don't get up until 11:00 or noon but I celebrate it! I am coming back to life! It is slow going and there are some very dark days but I WILL get better!!!! I am determined not to let that SOB ruin the rest of my life. Now I have to live on just social security and it's hard to pay the bills but it's WORTH it to have him finally GONE!!!!!!!!!!

I know you may be thinking, why did this stupid woman stay in that marriage? I don't have a good answer. He just broke me. He was stronger than I was. My self esteem must have been low to begin with. Would appreciate any encouragement. Thanks for listening.

[MariposaLlora]

You are a survivor. After living through such a nightmare scenario you still are hopeful & are taking steps to change your life. Just keep making small changes everyday; definitely celebrate the little victories.

Sent from my Contixo via Tapatalk

[mazing]

That is a terrible thing that you have had to live through for such a long time but Mariposa is right - you are a survivor. No-one should ever have had to go through what you have. No-one should ever hurt another person that much, but you survived. Even with all that he did you are still here and moving forward.Things can continue to get better from here. Those little changes, both physically and emotionally do add up over time to make big changes.

It sounds like Eileen is fantastic too in helping you work through this. It is great to have a therapist who is that supportive in helping your recovery

[Idiot17]

Your will to make a happy future for yourself is inspiring. Hang in there, and keep in celebrating your victories.

[LaurenLeigh]

Originally Posted by MariposaLlora

You are a survivor. After living through such a nightmare scenario you still are hopeful & are taking steps to change your life. Just keep making small changes everyday; definitely celebrate the little victories.

Sent from my Contixo via Tapatalk

MariposaLLora, I love that you called me a survivor! That is exactly what I want to be. Thank you for the encouragement.

[LaurenLeigh]

Originally Posted by mazing

That is a terrible thing that you have had to live through for such a long time but Mariposa is right - you are a survivor. No-one should ever have had to go through what you have. No-one should ever hurt another person that much, but you survived. Even with all that he did you are still here and moving forward.Things can continue to get better from here. Those little changes, both physically and emotionally do add up over time to make big changes.

It sounds like Eileen is fantastic too in helping you work through this. It is great to have a therapist who is that supportive in helping your recovery

Thank you. Those are words I really need to hear. Yes, I did survive. Yes, Eileen is truly an angel. I've been with her for 3 years now. It's kind of funny...just one week before Gary was dx'd with cancer was when I started seeing her. It's like she came into my life at just the most perfect time. I will continue to celebrate the little changes and will not let Gary win. Thanks for posting.

[LaurenLeigh]

Originally Posted by Idiot17

Your will to make a happy future for yourself is inspiring. Hang in there, and keep in celebrating your victories.

Thank you for posting. That was really nice of you to say...that it was inspiring. Yes, I will keep hanging in.

[Yoda]

LaurenLeigh, I don't know if you realize that he was an abuser. You have been emotionally abused, financially abused and who knows how much more. Even if he never once hit you he was still an abuser. I am glad that the abuse has ended. So glad you have found PC where you will find much support. I am a survivor of abuse too. I also slept hours away to avoid the emotional pain. If you ever want to talk PM me.

Here are some of the ways abuse are used against men and women.

LaurenLeigh, I'm glad you have made the tremendous move to start spending your life out of bed. Keep on keepin' on! Sounds like you are much better without this man. Sorry you had to go through all of that. It sounds like hell, but you made it!

[Idealsummerluvv]

Glad that jerk is no longer around to hurt you.
Congrats on your new life!

[LaurenLeigh]

Yoda,wow. That was an amazing circle showing the different types of abuse. Yes, I fit into many of those pieces of the circle. Wow. The mind games, trying to make me feel guilty...btw, I still feel guilty almost all the time, the money, the control, the isolation, gestures of threatening violence. Thank you so much. Yoda, I am sorry to hear that you too have been through abuse. You sound like a very strong person now...even to the point to reaching out to help others. Thank you. Lauren

[LaurenLeigh]

Hi NewGal. I see we have some things in common like the agoraphobia and anxiety with panic attacks. I'm glad you found this place too. Thank you for the encouragement! Lauren

[LaurenLeigh]

sorry...my mistake. I didn't know how to get rid of this box.

[LaurenLeigh]

Thank you Idealsummer. I''m so glad I found this forum. It really helps. I didn't wake up today until almost noon and in the past I would have berated myself for it but now I celebrate it. My therapist, Eieen, is the one who always uses the word celebrate and she's right...I finally am able to celebrate even the small things. Thank you for posting.

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by LaurenLeigh

Yoda,wow. That was an amazing circle showing the different types of abuse. Yes, I fit into many of those pieces of the circle. Wow. The mind games, trying to make me feel guilty...btw, I still feel guilty almost all the time, the money, the control, the isolation, gestures of threatening violence. Thank you so much. Yoda, I am sorry to hear that you too have been through abuse. You sound like a very strong person now...even to the point to reaching out to help others. Thank you. Lauren

I am glad that you found my post helpful. Often abused people think they are abused because they did something wrong. It is very confusing and the isolation just makes it harder. I had to be brave because I wanted to protect my son but getting away from my abuser was not easy. I loved the 'good' BF but feared him when he was 'bad'. Other people often don't understand why we don't just end the relationships or how difficult it is to do so even when we want to.

[Pierro]

Bravo Lauren! After all you have been through you can hold your head up high. I admire your courage and determination that shines through in your words. You have been through hell and have come out the other side with such a zest for life that nobody could ever take from you. You are an inspiration. Best wishes to you.

[Chloepatra]

Gary can no longer hurt you. Yours is an extreme example of too many sad relationships, though...

You should feel very proud to be able to admit that you did not have the will to leave him while he was alive... forgiving yourself for THAT is very important...because for whatever reasons, you simply were not able to... whatever it was that initially fueled your belief that you did not deserve happiness and love...(could have been anything...from a message from religion that divorce is bad to a dysfunctional parent or both, or???), as long as you identify the negative belief or beliefs about yourself that kept you in that 'marriage,' and you keep on letting those faulty beliefs 'go' whenever you hear their voices...you will be FINE.

I am glad to see that someone posted signs of abuse...for you and others to be aware of...Good to record those and avoid anyone who shows any of them!

You survived for good reason and have been able to come back 'to life' because there has been a deep love in you, which you are finally able to give to yourself.... CONGRATULATIONS!

So happy for YOU...YOUR LIFE!

[LaurenLeigh]

Originally Posted by Yoda

I am glad that you found my post helpful. Often abused people think they are abused because they did something wrong. It is very confusing and the isolation just makes it harder. I had to be brave because I wanted to protect my son but getting away from my abuser was not easy. I loved the 'good' BF but feared him when he was 'bad'. Other people often don't understand why we don't just end the relationships or how difficult it is to do so even when we want to.

Yoda, isn't that the truth!?!?!!I would never have thought in a million years that I would allow myself to be in this abusive kind of relationship. Thanks for letting me know you understand. BTW, I really love the animal pictures you have. I adore animals and have two toy poodles; one black, one white. Are you doing OK?