venting...

>>Being a burden<<
I hate not having any friends... It sucks. Nobody wants to be friends with the weird fat black girl that listens to Rock music. I can't stand being different. I wish I was just another skinny ***** with lots of friends, instead of being me. Even my mom thinks I'm weird. She calls me a %#@&#! "depressed gothic reject" just because I don't have friends and O.D. on black eyeliner. You would think that a person's mother would atleast be accepting and let them be theirself, you know.

I don't think it's cool that I have 300 friends on Myspace and none in real life. I don't even really know these people. Their just associates, who probably wouldn't give a %#@&#! if I dropped dead tomorrow. It sucks not to have anyone to go to the movies with, share the same intrests, hang out with.

All I do is take pictures of my own ******* self because there's no one else around to photograph and no one to hold the damn camera. I'm my own friend, and that's not good.

I hate being me. I hate sitting up not being able to sleep at night, and then when I finally do it's because I %#@&#! cried myself to sleep. Going to school everyday and getting weird looks. Eating and eating then feeling bad afterwards and then go back to food for ******* comfort. I can't even get a %#@&#! boy to like me because I'm a cow. No one knows this side of me. It sucks that everyday I have to cover up with a %#@&#! smile and pretend like everything is alright. I feel like a dumbass for not commiting suicide when I had the %#@&#! chance.

>>Scary<<
Sometimes I think about really really bad horrid things when I'm alone. And I try to block them out with other good thoughts, but it doesn't work. I end up having a big arguement inside of my head telling myself to stop thinking. I just end up thinking about the bad stuff, the good stuff, and the arguement until I start to cry myself to sleep. It scares me alot. I hope there's nothing wrong. I really wish I could find out but I don't have money for a shrink.

>>Afraid<<
I am so afraid of the dark. Everytime I go to bed I dred having to turn off the lights. I get nervous and my heart races. I start to hallucinate that things are there and I hear things. It drives me crazy until I just end up sleeping with the light on all night. "running up the light bill", as my mother calls it.
I don't like having to deal with that either.

I need to get some money for a shrink.

You mustn't put yourself down like that Taylor, your just making yourself more miserable. I think you just have to build up your confidence and try to go towards people without thinking before hand, "are they going to think I'm fat" or "I'm sure they are going to hate me". Just go for it. About comfort eating I can totally understand as I do it myself. The more you eat the more miserable you feel. I've been there and I know how it really feels. Just tell yourself Taylor that your not alone. Here on PC there are alot of people with lots of different problems and I'm sure that they can help you see things in a positive way. Just try to stay here long enough to realise how good this forum really is.

People like to make fun of others to look good. they will not win in life. Sweetheart I used to be like that I am not fat though, I don't like rock music and I am a different race than you but people did not like me because of my behavior. I was alone for years until I finally made a real friend. Still I do not keep or make friends easily but a few days ago in a class I was working on a project and a girl whom was not in the best shape and looked sort of leave me alone I do not like you. Sat down beside me as she has been doing for quite some time in this class and we began to talk. I learned she is pretty upset and people do not like her that much. She is not very popular in the soical crowd neither am I but we probably have the best projects and she is a really nice person! I am sure there is something you are good at and I am happy you like what you like and do not copy people on TV just for the attention in the social world.
At PC friends are easily made and everyone here is very sweet and caring. I can't wait to get to know you some more and hope things go well for you!

Hello

I hope you are feeling a bit better today

I don't know if it will make you feel any better but remember there are a lot of people out there (myself included) who are very lonely too and you are in the right place to meet likeminded supportive people.

Try to remember you are a worthwhile person who deserves more than you currently have in your life and try not to shut people out too much

I hope this doesn't sound patronising as I am in a similar situation and its definatley easier said than done but try not to let it get you down too much

((hugs if okay))

Oh Darknessfalls, I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time. Since you don't have the money for a therapist, is there a councelor at school you could talk to?

Please don't put yourself down. I bet you are a beautiful person. You are just depressed and lonely. Do you notice any of the people at school that don't seem to have any friends? Maybe you could get the nerve up to talk to one of them and become friends.

Please keep coming here and letting us know how you are doing. We all care about you and want to help!

Linda