I'm losing myself

SI trigger possible

I've been going through hell and back. I feel invisible in my friend group. It was so random too, it's like all of a sudden they decided I didn't exists. I really didn't expect it from these friends. They are all so loving and loyal. I guess just not to the new girl.
They we very mean to me today, usually I can just brush it off. But I'm already wounded from what's going on that it just made me hurt more. I don't want to do this any more. I can't live with this pain and agony.

If it was physical I would deal with it. I can deal with being beaten up more than I can deal with this Emotional and psychological stuff. I would rather bleed than be internally wounded.

I can't handle it anymore. I'm afraid of myself right now because I can't control my emotions. I think I'm going to hurt myself but I can't get help. No hotlines, no psychs, no parents. I Literally have no options but PC.

Not to mention that my 'friend' group message got on the topic of cutting an gone of my friends sent a picture of a bloody arm (trying to explain cutting to a different friend) and I didn't know if I could control myself. It took everything in me not to grab a knife and stab myself.

I'm losing the battle inside my head. I'm being trampled by all the different voices and memories. I'm losing myself.
And I can't come back.

I don't get along with the voices inside of my head (Rihanna reference)

God, that really sucks. I can definitely relate to this. I wish I could be there in person to talk to you. I don't want you to hurt yourself. It's extremely frustrating, having no one to turn to, I would know. If you ever feel like you're seriously about to do something, please message me. I'm here for you, even if it feels like no one else is.

Behind much of your torment lie past brutal attacks.
Can you go to the police?

No. I've tried that. It didn't work. They didn't listen

Lord I wish I was better at this........... better at helping others. better at advise. But I am not. What I CAN say is that I sincerely want you to be safe and loved.

Please know that within the walls of my heart and mind - you ARE safe and loved.

ANYTIME you need to talk. If there is ANYTHING I can do - please let me know. You deserve those good things.

((( GirlOfManyFaces ))) Usless Me's post said everything I'd like to.