just stuck

I am alone, scared, SI, SUI and feel so very let down and abandoned by life, myself and others. I've dropped into a pit of my own making...and each book and each T seems to have a different and contradictory idea of how to help me. In the end, they agree that I'm like the "worst case scenario"....the one you try to avoid at all costs. I feel like I corrupt the bright lights in my life and make everyone around me feel worse rather than better. I add no value. I have nothing to offer. I've never said "helpless"...just hopeless. Right now I feel helpless and absolutely without hope. My biggest fear has always been to die unknown and unloved. Why does that have to come to be? Every judgmental thought I've had over the years about others that I have regretted seems to be true about myself. enough. just enough. I'm so tired of trying and pushing and doing what the docs suggest and still being so very alone...heart-renderingly alone. It's like being sucked into a black hole and realizing finally that there is just nothing left to grasp... There is no more light, no beacon, no warmth, no air, no rescue, no hand to hold, nothing left that matters. Just sleep.

((( Wysteria ))) "The worst case scenario ... the one you try to avoid at all costs".
(I know all about avoidance. Bleep that!) Keep talking. Refuse to be unknown. What's going on these days?

((((((((Wysteria))))))))

I totally can relate to what you are feeling. I am drowning in an abyss of being alone forever too.

All I can offer are hugs and that you will overcome this soon.

I too battle with depression off and on, so I know where you're coming from. It's tough, but you have to remember you DO add value. You're here telling your feelings and that adds value. Why? Because somebody else who reads your post may just look at it and think, "Hey, I'm not alone, Wysteria has a similar problem that I'm going through." Right there, you've added value. Here's a couple more tips you could try to feel better about yourself. Let's say you're walking down the street, some stranger is going into the same door you getting ready to walk through (say, it's like a door to a doctor's office, and the person has a cane or crutches) You take a moment and open the door for this person. Through this simple act, you may have just shown this person the only geniune act of kindness they received all week, you never know. You could do some volunteer work, at a homeless shelter. Right there you've added value. You made a difference. You're important, valuable and loved. Help an old lady reach a can off of a shelf she can't reach in the grocery store and you've just added value and made her feel cared about. Okay, another simple gesture: Give someone a sincere compliment. You've just made their day and added value to them and yourself in the process! Listen, everybody has problems, that's why we're all here, right? But I am a firm believer, you're not a loser or a nobody, if you strive to better yourself (even in the small ways) and be kind and helpful to your fellow person. Put other's needs ahead of your own and you will not be alone or unknown; you'll have so many friends, you won't be able to count them all. You have friends here. You're cared for by everyone who takes the time to respond. So, hang in there, you have value and you are important.

Thanks for reminding me of this. I agree with this. I've always believed this. It's the small things that count. A Smile. A "hello". All mean something to someone. Sometime it is easy to get lost in depression an not even notice we have these small options to help someone else and build our self-esteem by doing so.

Thanks Platinum, KC, O2W, and Gaylegg...afraid I was in just such a low place and certainly appreciate all of your kind comments and reminders to come out of myself. It is so hard to do sometimes. Please take care and hope to see you soon...I've read your comments more than a few times to try and "rub them in"...
Respectfully,
WB

Hi Wysteria,
Just wanted to say that you do have value. I've been learning that I myself have value. It can be very hard at times. But just wanted to say your not alone.
Take care,
~Scout7

"I need a drop of grace to carry me today"

l am so glad you are here. Soup