Immobile again

I actually said out loud today to my therapist that I'd prefer to die than do these essays. And it's true. I don't know how to fix my perspective because it's ingrained into me that whenever I attempt to do anything creative, I get sucked down the rabbit hole, my mind goes blank and I freeze up for days, locked in my room not looking after myself; I vomit when I try to eat and have to harm myself in order to get anything done. I need to do this but that's not enough to make me try any more. I just want to give up.

Was your therapist able to give you any help or suggestions. Are the essays for school? If so, I can understand why you would feel pressured to be creative. My mind has to be in a special place for my creativity to come out and it's not under pressure.

But I am concerned that you are not able to take care of yourself and self-harm to get through the stress. Have you talked to your therapist about that part of it too. Wish I had the words that would make things better for you but my words fall short. I can just say please don't give up. You never know what's around the next corner. And I've given up a couple of times, so I understand. the pain.

Yeah, it's uni work. I've talked to my therapist about all of it, not sure if any solution has really been found. I know what i should be doing to get better and get stuff done but my mind is just not working. I can allocate time slots to do nothing but work but i end up staring blankly or getting tied in knots. i give myself breaks to keep myself moving but I never have the energy to get up and do anything, i just want to lie down and cry. Oh well. A week from now it'll all be over and I'll either get to change course or I'll be kicked out. Even in the case I succeed i don't think I'll feel any joy or want to be alive any more, though.

Have you seen a psychiatrist regarding possible medication. I couldn't have made it this long (61) if it hadn't been for the medications. Mine aren't right, now, but I hope my doctor can make some changes when i see him next week.

Good luck to you. I hope you make it through your course. Keep posting. It does help to have backup support. You can always PM me if you need to.

Thanks that's really nice of you I've been on citalopram and sertraline so far since this time last year. I'm switching to venlafaxine on saturday so for this week I'm on nothing. I'm having the funny head-spinny things and I feel really crap, so tempted to start on the new meds already because I don't know if i can hold out like this. It's a pretty important week in terms of uni, too.