[StanStan]

I feel like an outcast coping with depression (it's been about three years sense I was diagnosed). I feel driven by nothing but the idea that one day I'll be famous and sucessful and look down on those who hurt me. All I see is black and white and unlike most people suffering from depression, I feel a strong... hatred towards many. I don't know why I just do. This problem causes me to lie all the time for no reason and never express my true emotions to anyone (or at least not directly to most people). I usually play the "no really I'm fine" game and wear my mask everywhere I go. I feel like an alien... none of my friends understand for sure, and no matter how hard I try I can't keep a stable relationship. It hurts so much, but my only coping mechanism for these ill thoughts of hatred and depression are to act as if I was playing the parts of my life like a movie... I act for my family to make sure I never look weak, I act to keep my job, and I act to fit in but on the inside i feel like I'm burning up slowly... And sometimes I like that agony because it reminds how precious life is.

[Sadley]

Hmm, well you're not all gone yet, you still have lots of energy to burn, evidently. I never pretend I'm "ok" around other people, everyone clearly knows something is wrong with me. I just don't have the energy to put on a show or smile.

The black and white is the "all or nothing" irrational thinking, a common thing depressed people have. I used to hate people too, but I adopted a philosophy that nothing is anyone's fault, it is out of their control completely, so hating them would be like hating that the sun exists, or hating water, or something like that. It's irrational, really.

I wish I could even have an unstable relationship. Haha, I think that'd be better than none at all.