[Leon22]

I introduced myself back in September, but things seemed to be going better so I didn't end up posting... Until now.

Background, I'm a university graduate, end of my twenties, in a strong relationship with good friends and family. I am employed and have been steadily since graduating.

I have a bi-polar parent, the other has dealt with social anxiety and the anxiety is ever-present in some of my siblings as well.

Now, what's wrong with me? I've always been a bit anxious since I was young, afraid of failing, not being able to perform etc. I quit certain sports, I changed university majors from engineering to general science, until finally settling on an undergrad in psychology. I was never a spectacular student, but I never failed a course and was always on or a bit above the average. I always made these changes because I had always felt I wasn't good enough. Take engineering for example, I couldn't imagine myself being responsible for building a bridge or signing off on air planes that would carry hundreds of people. I stopped pursuing coursework to get into veterinarian school because I thought I was too clumsy and that I would hurt the animals. So I completed my psych degree and started working.

Here's where those past decisions caught up with me. I started my career in sales, but was always looking elsewhere because it never felt like my calling. My bosses kept pushing me to be a team leader and move up, but again I didn't feel motivated and thought I was lazy and not good enough. I eventually went for a stint in business analysis with the company, which was the worst thing I think I could have done. I thought it would be a good challenge and a way to push myself. My project manager and team leader loved me for some reason, but I felt lost and unproductive most of the time, I wouldn't be able to properly deliver on things yet they just kept telling me great work. I'd have days where I'd come in to work and stare at my screen almost ready to cry cause I didn't know where to start or what to do.

Fast forward to now, I left that company for another opportunity as a junior analyst in a corporate function and I have been in that job for 3-years. Again I am not happy and again, I have bosses telling me I am great, but I still have trouble meeting objectives and getting things done. I still have days where I come in and pretty much spin my tires just trying to focus or figure stuff out when everyone around me just seems to be living and breathing the work. Needless to say I want out of this job, it pays me very well >$70K, but it has taken a toll on me.

Why am I like this? Why do I feel like I can't focus or complete things? I mean in school I could slap together presentations, write papers in a night's work, now I find a simple presentation can take me forever to finish. Where did my focus go? Why do superiors like me so much and want to see me succeed when I always feel like I am failing miserably? The sad thing is, I felt like I was challenging myself by taking on the new jobs, but now feel as though I have been burned and just want to go back to doing something easy.

I mean people talk about lazy workers and how bad they are and they don't care and are incosiderate... I feel lazy and unmotivated, but I also feel terrible about it and can't seem to figure out how to break the cycle. I'm tired of feeling like I am putting on a fake front all the time, I want to be true to myself and others and be all that I can be, but it hasn't happened and I'm 6 years in.

Part of why I think superiors have been so happy with me is that even though I get anxious as anything when it comes to meetings, leading conversations etc. etc. I am a very good speaker and a very good facilitator. I'm good at explaining things to people verbally and I am good at getting people to gain consensus. My indirect managers (director and above) really only see me in this aspect, henceforth the reason they may think I am good, what my direct managers see in me I don't know. I make mistakes in my analysis, take a long time to do simple things, and feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants because I am always procrastinating due to my lack of motivation and inability to concentrate. IT EMBARASSES ME to be like this and there is nothing more in the world that I want then to be a hard intelligent worker.

I took a leave last year because the anxiety and depression built up enough that I was not sleeping and starting the day with huge panic attacks. I was treated with cognitive behavioral therapy, which helped me change my thoughts and improve certain aspects of my thinking. I also began taking SAMe which has helped tremendously in terms of calming me down and getting me to focus. That being said, since just before Christmas I have started having the old feelings coming back and now after feeling like I worked so hard to move ahead, I'm exasperated by the prospect of falling back down again. I'm open with my wife and immediate family about how I feel and based on family history they are very understanding.

I'm torn by mixed emotions, sometimes I just want to find my life's passions, other times I just feel like getting a simple job and coasting through life. My wife and I want kids and a house and I feel I need to get these thoughts in order before that can happen.

I feel like I'd be ready to take those risks I was scared to take in university, but now with more responsibilities, the risk of going back to school and not having money is overwhelming! So I guess my risk tolerance is still pretty low lol!

Anyways, I feel as if I am on a tight rope, I'm a fraud and at any second everything will come crashing down on me. I know this isn't normal and I want to get to the bottom of all these issues once and for all.

I have many many interests and that is part of my problem too, I can't focus on one thing to the point that I become an expert, I need novelty. I've never really set goals, I've just kind of taken what life has given me. I seem to be very apathetic and just accepting of the things around me good or bad.

That being said, I know I am good at talking with people and helping people realize things because I can see things from an unbiased position and break them down. I'm also very good at enduring ****** situations or dealing with long strenuous activities. I won't quit certain things and I'll keep plugging away at them way past the point of the average person, but often times these things aren't at my work, they're situation in my personal life LOL.

I took some personality tests out of general interest and came up as an INFP, which explained me pretty well and struck fear in me based on the fact that INFP's seem to be the most likely to commit suicide and are the lowest earners. It scares me because questions on the meaning of life and why am I here have been coming up. I'd never kill myself, but it bothers me that these questions are coming up.

Sorry for all the writing, but I think I covered my bases. Any thoughts or insights.

[Rohag]

Hello, Leon22, and a belated Welcome.

Considering your symptoms and family history, getting screened for depression and having a full medical check would be valuable (various diseases have symptoms similar to those found in depression, or they can accompany or "hide behind" depression).

From what I've read, once an individual experiences a depressive episode, they become more susceptible to recurrences of similar episodes. That's not a guarantee of recurrence, just a greater chance depression may return.

You are right to post and increase your watch on yourself.

As for your work, do you see a chance for increasing your grasp of your present role and gaining greater confidence in your own performance?

[hvert]

Can you get back in touch with the people who were providing the CBT and maybe get a refresher? Just from your description, you actually sound like a hard, intelligent worker -- you're obviously very conscientious about getting things right and how you spend your time.

I am now in my mid-30s, but when I was in my late 20s, I was in a similar position. Like you, I had always done well in school and work. I wanted to do something more fulfilling but was scared of leaving the money.

My situation was slightly different. I left a large company where I was a superstar for a position working for an abusive boss in a very small company. I was okay at the work but constantly scapegoated. I was responsible for quality control on a product which was produced by people who were incapable of quality production. As I was blamed for missing defects, I started to make more mistakes. I started to get lazy about doing my work. By the time I left that company, I was wholly unmotivated and felt stupid and generally bad about myself.

It sounds like you are in a much better position with superiors who like you and appreciate the work you do. I can't offer anything about how not to feel like a fraud, but you aren't alone in feeling that way. I see people who have less experience in certain areas than I do proclaiming themselves as experts, yet I can't do that myself.

I tried a few things to make up for feeling lousy about my job situation. I started a graduate program at the local university. If your company has any sort of tuition reimbursement, take them up on it, if you can.

I also started to explore some lifelong interests that I had always set aside in favor of more practical goals. You may not have the time, but you do have the money to explore those things you've always thought of doing 'someday.'

I eventually saved up enough money to take a year off (but still pay my mortgage). It was the best thing I ever did. It completely changed the way I view my life and the way I work. I went back to being a superstar at my next job... which I also quit, in favor of finally working for myself. I worry so much less now than I did before. The relief is overwhelming.

You might like Barbara Sher's books about 'seekers,' people who feel like they are interested in everything or whose interests change every six months.

[Leon22]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hello, Leon22, and a belated Welcome.

Considering your symptoms and family history, getting screened for depression and having a full medical check would be valuable (various diseases have symptoms similar to those found in depression, or they can accompany or "hide behind" depression).

From what I've read, once an individual experiences a depressive episode, they become more susceptible to recurrences of similar episodes. That's not a guarantee of recurrence, just a greater chance depression may return.

You are right to post and increase your watch on yourself.

As for your work, do you see a chance for increasing your grasp of your present role and gaining greater confidence in your own performance?

Thanks very much for answering. I had a full medical check last year and everything looked good. My vitamin D was a bit low, so I've been supplementing that ever since.

I don't know if I will get better in my present role, it's been three years and I've learned, but I know I should be further than where I am now.

I mean since I have been there, I've seen a lot of people leave for other places because it was too stressful where I am and they didn't want to deal with the crap, the pressure, and the stress. I talked with someone who just recently left and he basically said in his whole career he had never seen a place that was so stressful. He said that everywhere he was before he was a super star, model employee, but once he got here he felt right at the bottom of the totem pole.

I feel like it is slowly chipping away at me and destroying me... But, other opportunities aren't opening up and I can't imagine just quitting and I don't want to have to take another leave.

[Leon22]

Originally Posted by hvert

Can you get back in touch with the people who were providing the CBT and maybe get a refresher? Just from your description, you actually sound like a hard, intelligent worker -- you're obviously very conscientious about getting things right and how you spend your time.

I am now in my mid-30s, but when I was in my late 20s, I was in a similar position. Like you, I had always done well in school and work. I wanted to do something more fulfilling but was scared of leaving the money.

My situation was slightly different. I left a large company where I was a superstar for a position working for an abusive boss in a very small company. I was okay at the work but constantly scapegoated. I was responsible for quality control on a product which was produced by people who were incapable of quality production. As I was blamed for missing defects, I started to make more mistakes. I started to get lazy about doing my work. By the time I left that company, I was wholly unmotivated and felt stupid and generally bad about myself.

It sounds like you are in a much better position with superiors who like you and appreciate the work you do. I can't offer anything about how not to feel like a fraud, but you aren't alone in feeling that way. I see people who have less experience in certain areas than I do proclaiming themselves as experts, yet I can't do that myself.

I tried a few things to make up for feeling lousy about my job situation. I started a graduate program at the local university. If your company has any sort of tuition reimbursement, take them up on it, if you can.

I also started to explore some lifelong interests that I had always set aside in favor of more practical goals. You may not have the time, but you do have the money to explore those things you've always thought of doing 'someday.'

I eventually saved up enough money to take a year off (but still pay my mortgage). It was the best thing I ever did. It completely changed the way I view my life and the way I work. I went back to being a superstar at my next job... which I also quit, in favor of finally working for myself. I worry so much less now than I did before. The relief is overwhelming.

You might like Barbara Sher's books about 'seekers,' people who feel like they are interested in everything or whose interests change every six months.

Thank you very much Hvert, happy to see I am not the only one who has dealt with these feelings. I am going to the doctors to get a referral back in CBT, I know it will help.

At the end of the day, I think the job has just beaten me up. I'll get that Barbara Sher book it sounds interesting and it seems like a lot of people found it useful.

Like I said, I feel my bosses like me because I'm a nice guy, I speak well in meetings and present things in a good way. I put out a good image. But, sometimes I feel like I am just that, a good image cause I know my full potential isn't being reached. I see what you are saying though, 4 years ago I was motivated to try new things at work, learn and improve... Now I feel stupid, unmotivated and pathetic.

The main issue is moving jobs where I am isn't easy, I can probably move up, but I don't feel like move up, I feel like moving out!

I'll be honest, I'm currently in the public sector and I'm wondering if maybe it just isn't my place. One thing do know, when everyone says public sector jobs are relaxed and there is no stress, that certainly isn't the case where I am. It's been more pressure than my private sector job from day 1.

Anyways thanks again Hvert, you raise some really good points and it is nice to hear your experience and your journey to finding relief. All that you've said certainly gives me hope that I can make things better.

[Chonginard005]

Very useful information.

[hvert]

It really sounds like the issue is with your job environment. The problem with staying in a job like this, as you are finding out, is that you get so discouraged that you start to think there's something really wrong with you-- when the real problem could simply be your situation.

Public sector jobs are not inherently less stressful, no matter what people think. Certain aspects are actually more stressful than the private sector.

I'm not sure how big your public sector is, but would a lateral move improve things i.e. a transfer to a different department or a completely different function? It sounds like you have a gift for facilitation and presenting ideas. Assuming that's something you like doing, perhaps you could find a role that would let you do more of that than the thing you think you are not good at?

The thing that you feel you do not do well at your current job -- is it something you *want* to do? Do you see yourself using the skills you would gain by completing the task in a future position?

One benefit of looking for a new job is that it sometimes starts to make yours look better, which can be motivating