[lenjan]

My junior year of college, one of my roommates was a camp counselor at a camp for kids with diabetes. In arts and crafts, she made each of us something that summarized our essence as she saw it. My gift was a simple block of wood with the word "WHY?" painted on it in yellow script letters. She nailed me but good.

It's 11 freaking 30 at night and I'm freezing (28 degrees, 7 inches of snow on the ground) and I'm so frantic that this could go pretty much anywhere, but at bottom, I'm overwhelmed and that's what always leads to depression for me. Although right now I seem to be working my way into a panic attack.

Today is day 14 of a brand-new everything. I have a new place to live, by myself. I have a new job. I have a new city. And all I can do right now is lay in the dark and ask "WHY?" and cry.

My job is major high stress. I am utterly, completely alone -- a fond wish of mine, till it actually happened. All my friends are a minimum of 250 miles away. I'm having to give up my pdoc of 9 years. My therapist decamped for freaking Tennessee in April, right around the time I moved to my sister's, so I've been without therapy support all that time. I don't have insurance to pay for it again till Dec. 1, and then I only get 20 visits a year, like that's going to help me! Something happened this week to crush my one, teensy-tiny shred of self-confidence, and now I don't even have that. I don't know why I thought I could do this.

I don't know a soul in this town besides my landlady and my officemate. I'm trying to find a new church, but I keep running into repressive ones, instead of the diverse, multicultural, WELCOMING community I had at home. I am well and truly ALONE -- stuck with myself -- and that, right now, is a bad, bad thing.

I'm not suicidal, but I *have* been laying here thinking that I would prefer to be dead rather than alone. This hurts too bad. Not to mention that it is a bad time of year. I have an appointment with a new hematologist on Dec. 5. That is precisely the one-year anniversary of the day I went in the hospital and nearly didn't come out alive. People seem to be compelled to remind me of that. It is not an experience I care to relive. Reading my 150+ page chart from 5 weeks in the hospital was horrendously traumatic, and I know more than I really wanted to because of it. It haunts me, and scares me.

Great. So I'm alone, scared, and depressed, and there is not a soul within this area code I can call to help me through it. WHY did I think turning my life upside down was a good idea?

[nothemama8]

Candypoopiebear, count each of the bubbles in you siggie tub, each one of them is like an new experience, sure some may burt before they happen but look at all the ones that have you covered , hugs and kisses hun, you'll get through your a tough journalist and your going to post another articile for us to read real soon
Love ya
Angie

[lenjan]

Nice perspective, Angie, thank you. (((((((((((Angie)))))))))

love, Candy

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((( Candy )))))))))))))

Honey and good thoughts from the fuzzy bear

Love,
Fuzzy

[Soidhonia]

Hello I hhope things get better for you soon. there are support groups that help such as NAMI and DBSA if you can attend those with your work schedula. You may call this hoptline as well if you need to talk to someone. 1-800-273-Talk. Take care Soidhonia

[lenjan]

((((((((Fuzzy))))))) what I really need is friendly company. It's hard not knowing anyone in a whole town. Can you come over?

Love, Candy

[lenjan]

Thank you, I plan to check on DBSA groups in the area, but I needed the reminder!

[EJ711]

Hi Candybear,

I hardly know anyone where I live, and I've been here four years. The people I've met haven't been too friendly or nice.

It takes at least three months to feel comfortable on a new job. Both of the stories I read that you wrote were great. Everybody is worked up to a fever pitch with the Iraq war right now, so to say you were writing about a hot topic is an understatment. Then couple that with a grieving mother, and it was an explosive situation. Do you have any singed hairs?

Hugs,

EJ

[nothemama8]

I just wish we lived closer, cuz you have an open invite anytime
Angie

[PlanningtoLive]

Aww, Candy you could have called me. I would have either answered or called you back. I would love to be there for you as you were for me. I hope things are better.

Love,

[lenjan]

thank you, ((((((((((EJ))))))) ((((((((((Angie)))))))))) (((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))

No, I don't feel much better, but, as my officemate said, "deep breath, and it's over." Time to move on. Hope I actually have some luck doing that.

Candy

[ouch]

Have you tried to get a new therapist?
Maybe it would help to have someone to talk to.

[lenjan]

It would definitely help to have someone to talk to, but I don't have a paycheck coming for another week and a half, and my ins. doesn't start till Dec. 1. And then, I only get 20 visits a year! Like that's going to do me any good!

I'm going to see if the psych dept. at the university near here runs a clinic. That's how I got my last T back home.

[Fuzzybear]

Hey Candy, I'm on my way over...... we can growl together, I'm not sure I would be good company apart from growling today though

Good luck with your search for a T

[EJ711]

Hi Candy,

Good idea about checking with the University!

Hugs,

EJ

[Boopers]

Hi Candy,

So sorry you are feeling so down right now. Think of each one of us that is writing back to you, actually being there with you. What do you think we, each, look like? Might be fun to think about!
Also, think of all of us giving you a hug and telling you it's going to be OK.
I hope you will be able to find a good therapist or someone you can call friend soon.
Take care,
Linda

[Boopers]

BTW, Candy, when you are thinking about what I look like, just think of Pamela Anderson. I don't know if that made you laugh, but it sure did me!! Hee Hee!!

Actually, if you saw the real me, you would probably go


Take care,
Linda

[lenjan]

Terrific idea, "Pam" . (That made me giggle -- thank you!)

Candy