do I just give up?

I just had this huge post typed up and my computer messed up...ugh. I am so frustrated. I am so MAD at myself. I hadn't cut since a while, maybe a little more than a month? two months? anyways, I was having these urges and I was okay, tried to keep myself busy... I just wouldnt' let myself cut. and then, from one moment to the next when things seemed "fine" it was all automatic.. I just grabbed my razor and cut... 23 times.... and I didn't even care. I just sat there and starred into the open... it didn't hurt. it was like that wasn't even me. EMPTINESS is the general way I've been feeling. I actually got mad at myself when I saw what I had done, screaming why I think I deserve to be punished. but I have no answers. only hate. I can't stop. I don't know if I even want to stop. I just want to understand, want to be able to deal w/ these emotions... how can someone have so much hate for themselves? how can I ever get away from this??? My life is so "together" from the outside, and yet deep down it's all crumbling since years. Is this normal? Should I just forget about it and keep on living my life? Should I just accept that this will always be a part of me??? Do I have any other choice?? Coping mechanisms dont' work...or rarely. anyone???

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only hate. I can't stop. I don't know if I even want to stop. I just want to understand, want to be able to deal w/ these emotions.

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I said these exact words before, about 3 weeks ago, in fact. I don't know exactly how I got past it, wasn't seeing T, but talked to my husband at Great length about what I was feeling. I came very close to going back to the ER, but talking helped me. Does it help you as well? Do you have someone to talk to, knowing these feelings I would offer up myself as someone who could listen and try to understand.

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My life is so "together" from the outside, and yet deep down it's all crumbling since years. Is this norma?

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My life looks great from the outside too, very few know the hellishness I live with. I don't know if it is for everyone...I can only speak for myself. It has been the norm, but I am trying hard so that it Isn't normal for me.

Hi BackandForth,
You're going through a really hard time and I wish that you could feel better.

I think you need to have a phone number on hand for when you start to feel these feelings again, you can call somebody and have them help talk you through it.
You can write to us but if it's an immediate need for help-nobody may see your post or respond when you need them to. Plus, a human voice is always good.
Do you see a T? Can you give them a call? A relative or friend?
Cutting yourself 23 times is not good but you know that already.
Somewhere along the way, you were taught to hate yourself and you reciprocated. It's hard to undo and it's a constant battle. I struggle with it myself but I'm much better then I was, when I use to cut. It does get better if you don't give up on yourself. It may be a painful process but you have to learn better coping mechanisms so that you're doing something positive and something you'll feel good about yourself for instead of hurting yourself and then feeling bad and awful for hurting yourself in the aftermath.
You need preventative medicine to keep you from getting into this mind set in the first place. That should be just as important as having someone you can talk to when you are in this mind set.
I used creativity to get me out of that phase. I tuned into my talents and expressed myself through painting and poems. Can you try something like this as a release, in stead of cutting? Or you may need a more physically challenging activity such as running or exercising. I used that too. It's hard to get into it-I know. But somewhere along the way, it kicks in and you start to look forward to doing it.
Any kind of routine that will get you in a calm, peaceful place would be good. It needs to be consistent, though.
I don't know what else to suggest.
This forum does help people but it's not good for an immediate intervention, if you know what I mean.
If you don't have anyone to call then let us know. I'm sure somebody will help you think of something.
Please, stay safe. (((((((((((((BackandForth)))))))))))))

No, don't give up. I truly do understand the self-hatred you have for yourself, and the fact that you didn't even feel the cuts. As for any of this being normal...well I don't know what that is...I just know that this is just how it is for cutters. At least this is how it is for me. Everything you've said is exactly how it is for me.

Yeah, the advice we give to prevent yourself from cutting doesn't work all of the time, and I understand that, but try to hang in there.

thanks you guys... I wish, so wish, that I did have someone to talk to about this, but I don't..... I don't have a therapist and I really can't tell my fam. or friends... I know they would be really worried but I mean in the bigger picture I guess things are okay... I don't want to have to worry about them worrying, you know? I know why I've been having a hard time, I'm sort of in the middle of figuring out whether I should go into therapy for ed issues... among other things. I'm just so mad that I seem to always end up doing this.... I know I can stop, I have in the past but then I wanted to stop. I made an active effort. With everything going on it just seems like one more thing to deal with, one more thing I don't have the energy to think about.... as much as it seems wrong, it seems right.

over the years I've read enough stuff etc. to be familiar w/ ideas for coping mechanisms, but I guess it really is a matter of using them consistently and making an active effort to do so. which I haven't lately. I just stopped caring.

how do I get myself to care enough to do something about this or things in general? I told one counsellor once, his reaction was alertness, and he pretty much didn't leave me a chance but to agree that I cut once or twice the most in a year..... the way he set up the question. I know I could have corrected him but then the other extreme was all the time, which also isn't true... he just made me feel so "wrong" so "bad" in a way.... I hated that feeling. as much as I know si isn't a good way to cope, it's not only si that scares me but more my indifference. how do I get over that? any ideas?

I think you could trust your family and friends to worry about you. Think of it this way, if they were feeling as badly as you are and did not confide in you or ask you for help-how would that make you feel?
Let them decide whether or not they want to worry about you.
He didn't sound like a very good therapist. Who cares how often you're doing it, the point is, you ARE doing it.
Could you try to find a new t?
It sounds like you've given up on yourself and you cannot do that. You just can't.
You cannot be indifferent to whatever is propelling you to cut yourself.
Please, try to find a new t if you absolutely feel like you cannot talk to your family or friends. It's got to be one or the other.
(((((((((BackandForth))))))))