[LillyJones]

I was diagnosed with depression around June 2013.
It got worse and worse, to the point where I didn't want to leave the bed. Didn't want to eat. Wasn't sleeping properly. Lost all interest in anything. Couldn't concentrate on Uni work. My memory is very bad, so I can't remember that much. I also started self harming by cutting the tops of my thighs, and when I ran out of room I moved to the tops of my arms.
Between the start of December and January I took around 5 overdoses, three of these I was admitted into hospital for treatment.
Now I see a psychiatrist for depression. I have seen him twice before now, and have another appointment on the 17th February.
The thing is, I have some things I can't tell anyone... and my psych makes it very hard to talk to him. He's always very very cheerful, which I find hard to relate to, so shut off. The appointment is in the outpatients ward of a psych hospital. My mum was admitted into one when I was younger, which makes me shut down when I go in there because of the memories I associate with them.
I'm not currently on any medication, because I don't trust it. In our first meeting, when I tried to start explaining why I wouldn't take medication, he laughed at me. So Now every time I go I shut down.
In the past month, I have been getting really paranoid. I make connections between things that people don't understand. For example, just over a week ago my phone went missing in the house. I was convinced the government or someone had taken it. To monitor me or something. I have also seen 'laser' like things 'scan' me out of things like wooden doors and toilet roll holders.
I hate asking for help. I know I am wrong, less than human. People don't understand this. But, the easiest way I can explain is that I am the living embodiment of a curse. I poison things. I bring bad things and situations to people. I can't control it. I've always known there was something wrong with me, but I've only really pinned it down in the past year and a half.
In the past few weeks I have felt relatively in control. I went from not leaving the bed, avoiding my housemates etc. to overworking, getting a lot of uni work done, almost excessively cleaning and having a ridiculous sex drive. This crashed back down to a sort of depressive/numb state at the end of last week. So I started taking legal highs again. Something I've not done for over a year. I've been sleeping with strangers in clubs, and I can't last a night without either drinking, taking legal high drugs or self harming.
I don't know what to do. I've tried going to my GP when things got bad before, he just said 'I don't know what to suggest'. I tried calling the crisis team, they said not to call again as I'm not on their books anymore, and to wait for my psych appointment. But I shut down in psych appointments.
I feel like I'm making this all up in my head a lot of the time. Playing a trick on myself.
I just don't know what to do.
I hate myself for asking for help.
While I'm not in any danger, I do have a fairly well worked out suicide plan for the end of June. I just need help getting through to then.
Whenever I start to explain any of this to my psych I never get very far at all, because he just doesn't understand, laughs, or changes the subject.
I'm in limbo. Stuck.

[LillyJones]

I don't know how much longer I can cope like this.

[LillyJones]

Are there any other places I can try to get help?

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, LillyJones. Your distress is real and serious. I am unfamiliar with your medical system. Do you know someone who knows the system, not necessarily a doctor or other medical professional, who could advise you how to get the level of attention you need to remain safe?

As you have difficulty verbally interacting in your psych appointments, have you considered writing? It is easier to dismiss what you say than what you write -- the infamous "paper trail". Putting things in print comes with its own potential problems, though.

Please do what you are able to stay safe.

[Fuzzybear]

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by LillyJones

Are there any other places I can try to get help?

How long, are your appointments? And, what leaves you feeling, he's laughing at what you say?

Sometimes, to treat the underlying depression, need to address the risky behaviors that are masking all that is underneath.

Ever consider, the narcotics contribute to the paranoia? Won't know, until you detox.

Hope you find a way through this. What was your prescribed med, that you stopped taking?

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[LillyJones]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

How long, are your appointments? And, what leaves you feeling, he's laughing at what you say?

Sometimes, to treat the underlying depression, need to address the risky behaviors that are masking all that is underneath.

Ever consider, the narcotics contribute to the paranoia? Won't know, until you detox.

Hope you find a way through this. What was your prescribed med, that you stopped taking?

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

I've never had an appointment that's lasted more than 10 minutes. He just asks things like 'do we still have all the correct contact details', and 'are you still at university'. Just practicalities really. And I just feel like its a waste of time, because I already have to self harm a lot after any appointment, because I know I shouldn't be going to the appointments. I don't deserve help.

He's laughing at my explanation of why I take legal highs, but not prescribed medication. He didn't give me chance to explain that the drugs are anonymous, the people I buy them from don't know me. Prescribed drugs, they're specifically given to ME, I just don't trust them. How am I supposed to know what they're giving me? I just don't want to be controlled by them.

The paranoia happened long before I took the drugs. And seeing the things other people don't see/hear, that happened before I started taking them as well.

I was just started on 50mg Sertraline, because while I'd been diagnosed with depression for a while I kept missing appointments.