my parents are trying to help but...

Hello there. My apologies, this is quite long and it's late and I'm tired so my writing may sound weird. Today I've talked to my parents about my depression but I feel like what they are telling me is only making it worse. I'm currently unemployed and having trouble applying for jobs thanks to my depression and anxiety, and when I told my parents about how I want to get professional help (I've been in denial for a long time and only accepted that I, in fact, have depression quite recently), my mother started to talk about her own childhood and compare to what she went through, I'm lucky and my problems are not anything big enough to cause depression. My step dad said my depression is my fault for not trying. Not really trying hard enough to apply for job. Not trying hard enough to go outside and do something. Not trying hard enough to change myself. Not trying hard enough to motivate myself. Not daring enough to do anything. And this is from few months ago but he told me once how much disappointed he is. He's been trusting me for years to get myself to actually do something, but after almost 2 years of nothing, he's disappointed. He said he has trouble trusting me now and whenever I do chores or anything around the house, he has to double check to make sure I do it right because he literally can't trust me on jobs.
The way I wrote it down may be a bit harsher than what they said irl but this is how I took it. I know for fact they care about me and trying to help but I'm scared to tell to them what they've been doing aren't helping me at all (+my already low self-esteem is getting even lower). Like I get what they're trying to do here. My mother is trying to tell me how most of my problems are not as scary as I think so I shouldn't be scared of them. My step dad is trying to motivate me by saying harsh things on purpose. He's expecting me to get angry at his statements and work myself to prove what he claimed are wrong. And they both think my depression will go away once I get a job and make myself busy. I somehow convinced them so that I could get one appointment with a local counselor, but they think the whole therapy is useless and I should just focus myself to get a job.
I understand they are disappointed in me and I have to agree how most of this is my fault but what they are doing is the total opposite from what I need right now. I'm from a family who considers respecting parents is a must and I almost never told them they are wrong when they do wrong. I'm scared to correct them.

Hello & Welcome, Nameko345.
I think you understand your parents well. It is possible there is nothing you can say to them to get them to view sympathetically what you are experiencing.

Does your situation permit relocating away from your parents and then trying to establish your independence and health from there?

I understand your situation perfectly clearly. Ive heard. "You need to set yourself a goal. Get a job and save up money. You'll be much happier if you do because then you can get a house with a garden." Also. "You need to change your way of thinking. Keep at it and they'll lock you away with all of the crazies. Just stick to getting a job and things will be fine." And. "How can you be depressed? People have it worse off than you do." To be honest I'd rather be 'locked away with the crazies' than having my dad on my case all of the time.

Unlike you, I no longer live with parents. I became estranged from my dad late last year when he sold his house to move in with his fiance. I now live with my older brother and we often sit in separate rooms. Plus, he doesn't tell me what to do with my life. My dad get's onto me via the phone. I usually wait until he hangs up and start cursing under my breath. So I'm very passive aggressive with him. But I wouldn't recommend it.

I agree with what Rohag has to say. You'd be better off relocating.

Have you ever tried telling them exactly what you wrote here? It seems like you could phrase things in such a way that it isn't correcting them, but letting them know how bad you feel when they say certain things. I thought what you wrote was very factual and respectful towards your parents, even though the things they are saying are extremely hurtful, especially the part about not trusting you on a job. How is that motivational?!

It's great that you are taking steps towards straightening out your own future, even without their explicit approval or support. You probably *will* feel better once you have a job (and can afford to live somewhere else!), but it can be hard to find the motivation to find a job when you're depressed!

I am actually trying to work up to telling my parents about my depression, and that I actually need some help because it's affecting my education. I'm in college, and currently living away from home in an apartment that they are helping me pay for. I also very much respect my parents, and have never gone against them- so we are very alike in that respect. I'm worried that my parents will react the way that yours did, thus why I haven't approached them yet. However, we can't just sit around and wait for them to understand how we feel without taking some form of action. Honestly, what you said about your parents was very respectful, and I think if you just told them what you told us that maybe they'd be more understanding? Because honestly, in order to live our lives comfortably and happily, we have to be a little selfish sometimes. We have to take care of ourselves, or else we aren't truly living. And if that means maybe having a little argument with our parents, then so be it; because when worse comes to worst, they are our family, and they will always love and support us no matter what- it just may take a little more time and a little more convincing on our parts to help them realize that we're a team, and we have to help each other out in order for everyone to be happy.

Wow that's a tough spot. To be honest my parents were pretty much the same about me until I almost dropped out of college and was pretty much a hermit in my apartment not leaving for days and sleeping 21 hours a day. And after that they realized something was really wrong with me and that I needed some help.

But to be honest I think the best thing I ever did for myself was to reason it out to them. I know that's difficult in and of itself but whenever they tried to turn the conversation to my fault and how I need to work harder I just ask them "and who did I learn it from?" which I'll admit is a little harsh but it definitely put things into perspective for them because I was trying the best that I could with the skills that they had taught me and I had taught myself. And then I explained why I felt the way I did and how I did try and how alone and scared I felt and they finally started to really get it (I made my mom cry I felt so bad).

I really do love my parents but they always think they're right and that you're still a kid and sometimes I think the reason we are the way we are is because they view us like we're 5 years old and don't let us grow up in the most important ways. And they don't see how much stress we place on ourselves to fill the shoes they think we fit into.

You know your parents best so unfortunately you're going to have to find a way to get through it. Either by fighting back in some sort of way that allows them to see how hurt you really are or perhaps moving out with a relative for a while? Because as it stands that situation is bad and it'll eat away at you until there is very little left. I've been there