What do I do if I hate myself?

Um, hi.

I just need to tell someone, so get some popcorn or something.

Ever since I was little, I was different. I knew it too. I used to like art a lot more then at the moment, but everything I drew was considered weird. If I drew a dog, it probably was dying or was being abused or something. Most of my drawings took some sort of dark twist. I was also a little over weight, that really didn't help. But I was happy, for the most part. I didn't care what people said, and was always trying to do the 'right thing'.

Skip a couple of years. Now about three years ago, my sister got very ill. She was constantly going to the ER. They finally figured out that she had a disease relating to the thyroid. That was also the year I had gotten ill, and was always in bed. I could join the swim team that I usually did, and so I drew a lot more and watched more TV. I was treated for asthma and acid reflex. Since the thyroid is the main element to emotions, my sister was very emotional. She would always yell and stress over little things. I hated it. But, my parents always blamed it on her thyroid. I knew that was true, but it didn't make the yelling okay.

Fast forward to a year ago. This was one of the worst summers of my life. The asthma and acid reflex was treated and had gotten a lot better. I was able to join the swim team again. I thought it was great. But, I was wrong. I was kinda still a child at heart, so I really didn't care what people said. I was still a little over weight, but I didn't mind. I didn't care. Well, for a while. Once swim team started, I found myself surrounded by my old friends. Well, my sister wasn't any better. Ever second I was at my house, I was being yelled at. I often found myself crying to sleep. My parents didnt know, because my sister would always find chores for me to do. So whenever she was mad, she'd yell at me, then tell me to do chores, chores which would take hours. You may be thinking "oh, wow, little wuss is sad because she has to do housework". But she would tell me to do them constantly. It was endless. So every chance I got, I was at a friends house. I hated being home. My friendships soon took over my life. I was slowing changing. I soon cared about what everyone thought, being less and less of a person who would do the right thing. I argued more with my family. And I hated myself in general. I knew I was bigger than my friends, and I hated it. I soon started to skip meals. Then, sometimes all I would eat was an apple for the whole day. It was bad. When I was craving food at night, I felt as if I was winning and I could feel myself becoming skinny. Sometimes I would come close to fainting at swim practices. I felt like I had control over my life. I started gossiping more, my dream was just to be normal.
And sometimes I would cry because I loved my sister, and I didn't know how I felt. I was either hating her or hating myself for hating her. Well, hate is a strong word
Well, we'llskip some parts, to now. About a couple months ago, I started begging my mom to go to a new school.. Finally, she caved and said yes. Me and my sister are now better friends because her new medication helps more. But I was still skipping meals. Anyway, back to school. The first month, I loved my new school. But, after a while, I still didn't fit in. Even with my close friends, I felt like an oddball. I was the price of the puzzle that never fit in. I started skipping more meals, and became more and more over all sad. I hate myself for my mixed feelings with my family, I hate myself for asking so much of my mom and dad. I hate myself for trying to fit in. I hate myself. I exercise alot and hate myself if my legs are 'flabby'. I used to have strong emotions about getting good grades, but now I'm struggling at my new school and don't. I hate myself for making myself go to a new school. My brother is giving me such a hard time. I'm lost. I don't know what to do. No one knows about my eating, or about how I am feeling. I keep on thinking about hurting myself, almost daydreaming about it. I am a really good actor infront of people. I can smile and wave. I put on a show. My life is a show. I hate myself for hating myself. I need help. But I don't know what to do. I'm so lost.

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Hey there. Sounds like it's been pretty rough for quite a while D: Is talking to your parents about this an option? Your mom and dad really sound like they love you and I bet they would hate to know that you've been feeling this bad all by yourself. I would start with just letting a few people you really trust know, I bet you'd be surprised with how much they want to help.

Learning to love yourself is a very long journey and it doesn't always go as planned. I will say that on some days I still dislike how I look like but I've gone a long why from where I've been. On most days now I look in the mirror and like what I see. Now, I'm not skinny by any means but I like the curves on my body. I am built more like a fighter than my sister who's figure is pretty like a ballerina. But I like being soft and gentle and grounded and strong. Plus, I can give way better hugs than a lot of the scrawny friends I know haha.

The most important thing that you should be concerned with is your health. Because when you're healthy you'll start feeling better too. It's great that you exercise but be sure to do it gently because running yourself into the ground will not make you beautiful, it will make you tired and exhausted. Give your body the right nutrients and it'll grow even more beautiful than you are already. Please don't compare yourself to other girls though. You are beautiful for you and you house a soul that is loving and kind and so very excited to grow up. So please treat yourself well. Unfortunately, this isn't a lesson that can be told to you but something you must accept yourself. But until you can love yourself please be gentle to yourself