[jmariet43]

Hi. I'm new here and I'm just doing anything I can to get some relief, I stumbled upon this website. I'm a 24 year old female. I have dysthymic disorder with periods of major depression. Going through a particularly bad episode right now. I just want some relief. I've had depression for so long that I know the recommended things to do - eat healthy, try to have healthy sleep habits, reach out for help. I feel very hopeless and lost in this world. I feel as though it's pointless to try to get over my depression because I just end up sad again. Why bother trying to get better when I always end up depressed again. I feel as though I have no purpose. I don't have good friends and my mother is also mentally ill. I have been hospitalized several times. I work full time and that is very exhausting, especially embarrassing when I can't seem to stop crying at work. I have triggers. This episode has been triggered by the dissolution of a relationship I was very happy in. I have always needed a man's affection to feel whole. My heart hurts and I feel terrible. People around me who don't have depression don't understand me and I make them uncomfortable, and that is a terrible feeling. I feel lonely, lost, forgotten about, rejected, heartbroken. I can't smile. I have no one to talk to. Please help me. I think perhaps I am not supposed to be here. Like I have a different purpose. Does it ever end? My mind is reeling constantly. It won't shut up. I can't calm down. I cry, I panic. I feel like half of me is missing and I worry I won't ever feel whole again. Anyway I'm having a really hard time in life and I wanted to tell someone who could understand instead of making other mentally healthy people upset. They are sick of hearing it. Thanks if you actually read this thing. I don't know what to do I just want some relief.

[Dirk Pitt]

Thank you jmariet43 for posting how you are feeling and experiencing.

Just to let you know, it lends strength to ME knowing I am not alone in my feelings.
And I feel honoured that people take the time to share their points of view, their frustrations and feelings with me.

If I sleep well, I say good. If I eat poorly any given day, I tell myself I can appreciate having had a good sleep. Or I'll get even with good exercise like a run, or a walk or a hike, or snowshoeing, or x-country skiing.

It's not like these things even remotely balance. But they are the weapons in my arsenal of tactics when self doubt strikes.

... and my enemy has felt the sting of my rapier wit/self-congratulation

Hey I thought I would share.

Thanks again!

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Jmariet43. I'm not at all surprised you're isolated. Real depression is alien territory for the majority of people.

Apart from the other diagnoses, have any doctors assessed you for anxiety?

Please, make yourself at home here.

[Frankbtl]

Hi, it sounds like you're feeling in a very lonely place right now? But we're here for you. Do you think that you're focusing too much on the people around you...what they think/what they don't think....how you come across whereas it may help a little more if you had more focus on you? And it's YOU that matters!
I mean I TOTALLY understand it must have been really hard with the breakup of your relationship and if you were close (as it sounds) you're naturally going to be going through a grieving process. I know that can be really painful but you've got to know if you give yourself time, and allow yourself to work through things it will get better.
And don't forget to throw in the objective thinking either as you can get so sucked in to what you're feeling e.g. "Actually it wasn't really that perfect was it?".
But back to YOU!! You know that you really don't need/have to have someone else to validate who you are. Your self-esteem, value, self respect, identity should never be dependent on someone confirming/telling you that. It is great to have people back it up but you should know/feel that in yourself to begin with. With everything you've gone/are going through I know that's probably really hard but do you think you could try to start thinking of some things about yourself you're/you've been comfortable with (or even liked if you can??)? There IS going to be something for everyone (INC. good qualities in everyone) it's just sometimes recognizing that in ourselves particularly in periods like you're going through. So slowly.........even work from what people have said to you in the past if you need to, just feel it for YOURSELF.
And you mentioned that even if you got out of this you end up sad again, that must be really disheartening for you ON TOP OF the way you're feeling. Well there are never any guarantees and noone could promise you that that wouldn't happen but the more coping skills you can build up the episodes may be a little easier to handle, they may get further apart, they may get less intense, they may not last for as long, or you may be able to recognize them coming and do things to stop them happening......again no guarantees but it doesn't necessarily always have to be like this.
And hey, if you can find the right help (inc. self help) and support maybe, at a point, it's NEVER going to be like this again.
But feeling better about yourself, your life, feeling in control of things wouldn't all that give you so much more strength and make a real difference to you? Give you more purpose.
So for now, some coping skills.......have you ever discussed some of these, some that might work for YOU with a therapist.......if you have and they're not working then maybe time to move onto exploring some more??
But I'd say it is REALLY important to be talking to someone about the way you're feeling, then it's up to them to be working with you to be finding the RIGHT things for you that can help.
I do get where you're coming from though and whenever you want to talk here.............just please get the help you need and deserve though as well.
Alison

[SeekerOfLife]

It seems like it will never end. I know the feeling. But just like a medication, self care takes time before you start to see results. I am still depressed, but thanks to lots of self care I am feeling more hopeful than in a long time. Still struggling with the depression, but always trying my best to cope.

[Fuzzybear]