For a few years, I've always had a sense of suicide and depression. I really hated this, yet I didn't want this side of me to go away.

If I put this in fictional terms, there's a girl who basically has a split personality. She's living her life (but not a normal one), but her ill double interferes with her life constantly, even to the point of wrecking her sanity. The thing is, she doesn't want to let her mental double go.

That explains how I feel. I want to just lessen my depression, but I don't want to be fully cleansed. That sounds strange, but I don't want this depression to leave me. My sickness is now a part of me. I thought that if I somehow got rid of this I would become a different person, and it frightened me.

Does this sound normal to you? Why do you think I think like this?

Hey there! That's actually a really interesting idea. But I guess my view of myself as an individual is different?

I view it as: every moment of my life is just a snapshot of who I am at the moment. As time moves forward I change and continue to change even more. So for me, getting a handle on depression and getting rid of as much as I possibly can is a goal so that the future me doesn't have to deal with it? I guess my main thing is that I don't want my illness to define who I am. It is only a small part of me and one that I hope to phase out.

I will always be me regardless of where I am at the time and how I react since I am a combination of all my experiences and original starting nature. I guess the main thing about my depression is that it stops me from doing so much of what I want to succeed at. So I have a ridiculously hard time NOT hating my depression.

But I can totally understand why you would want to keep a part of it. It's familiar and you're so used to it that it can be hard to remember what life would be like without it (am I getting it right? Or am I just spewing my own thoughts haha). I am similar in the way that I keep reminders of my depression around me to remind me where I am and where I want to go.

[SeekerOfLife]

I understand about you not wanting the depression to leave you. After you have been that way for a long time, it becomes familiar. But look at your long term goals. Depression is familiar to me also. But I do not plan on being this way all my life. Best wishes.

Originally Posted by keeprolling

Hey there! That's actually a really interesting idea. But I guess my view of myself as an individual is different?

I view it as: every moment of my life is just a snapshot of who I am at the moment. As time moves forward I change and continue to change even more. So for me, getting a handle on depression and getting rid of as much as I possibly can is a goal so that the future me doesn't have to deal with it? I guess my main thing is that I don't want my illness to define who I am. It is only a small part of me and one that I hope to phase out.

I will always be me regardless of where I am at the time and how I react since I am a combination of all my experiences and original starting nature. I guess the main thing about my depression is that it stops me from doing so much of what I want to succeed at. So I have a ridiculously hard time NOT hating my depression.

But I can totally understand why you would want to keep a part of it. It's familiar and you're so used to it that it can be hard to remember what life would be like without it (am I getting it right? Or am I just spewing my own thoughts haha). I am similar in the way that I keep reminders of my depression around me to remind me where I am and where I want to go.

I guess I am attatched to this poor girl waiting for life to be better for her, but I do have goals in life such as becoming a doctor and finding a balance of spirituality with myself, others, and other spirits. So I'm basically a 50/50 person (or however you'd call it ) I understand that no two people are the same and you'd like to minimize your depression yet it seems impossible. But I like how you still manage to live life as strongly as you can!

Hmm. Actually I think a major part of you being attached is the fact that you've made your depression into a person. A constant companion of sorts. Maybe... think of it in this way?

There are two of you right? Yourself and your depressed self. Let's call them Positive and Negative for now. Both of them can affect each other though so lets say that Neg keeps Pos feeling bad enough that instead of being positive she turns Neutral. Or even in worse cases she starts to become Negative too. But you know, the same can apply the other way. You can make that poor girl happy You can make them Pos and Pos.

To be honest though your double will always be there inside your mind but I guess that this time, you get to take care of her and really teach her how to be happy and then you can both be happy. Instead of her thwarting you and you becoming unhappy. Does that make sense?

[HopeforCure]

A few years ago I went through a relapse with anorexia. I didn't want to give it up...I felt that it was my "security blanket" and mine in which no one else had and could not take away. Although I cannot discuss all of what I went through, I had to choose life over my anorexia. I can understand how it is hard to give up what feels as part of you and your identity but through hard work, persistence, and the support of others it can be done.