[Erika3]

It was perhaps 7 months ago that I declared with no sense of uncertainty to my therapist that I would "never, ever go back on anti-depressants again." She asked me why, and I told her that I hated being on them (several times over the last decade, usually for no more than 9-12 months at a time, and always to get me through particularly awful phases in my depression).

Last night, however, I found myself digging up my last prescription bottle of Fluoxetine and, despite the fact that they had technically expired, took 2x20 mg before I went to sleep.

The impetus? A dramatic, debilitating downward spiral, once again, into the depths of sadness and hopelessness.

Since my last round of SSRI's, I have (according to myself, my therapist and the insurance company who reviewed my file recently and cut down my weekly therapy coverage to every other week....) seen some measurable improvements in my life. Now in a committed and healthy relationship, for example, I felt that I would never return to the old familiar days of intense suicidal ideations and planning. "I could never do that to my partner," I said. And believed. And furthermore, I had come to a place where I felt that I would not even want to "do that" to my therapist. I felt strongly that I didn't want to hurt people by hurting myself--particularly in this most final of ways.

But something happened. In recent months, I found myself self-medicating to an even greater extent than normal with alcohol. I have been trying to fend off the self-hatred and hopelessness that had crept its way back into my psyche. Thoughts about my "worthless life" and lack of appropriate professional goals that would mean self-actualization/living up to my potential.... Being reminded that I still carry terrible wounds from my childhood that never really seem to heal, but instead, get ripped back open time and time again.... Feeling like I never wanted to get out of bed again.... And yes, starting to seriously plan and anticipate my own suicide. I was drowning in the darkness again. I felt there was no way out, and no one to actually talk to. (Can't tell my partner because she would be either extremely worried, or very insecure about the strength of our relationship, or both--and I don't want either of those things to happen. Also can't really tell my therapist, because now we are at every other week frequency, and it's going to be another week before I see her again, and really, what could she do over the phone--especially when she would be blindsided by these revelations, as she has reason to believe I have surmounted the worst of my depression and gotten past any threat of suicide.)

So I was lying in bed last night, feeling the weight of the depression leading me further still toward what seemed "the inevitable." And then, out of the blue, I remembered: in my nightstand, I had recently come across some leftover Fluoxetine from a couple years ago. I couldn't explain my change of heart over trying the pills again. I mean, I know how much I generally hate being on them, "in a cloud," numbed out and practically asexual and without a sense of what was truly "real." But my arm was reaching for the bottle in a last ditch effort, a faint memory of hope despite all the other misgivings. I took two pills. I went to sleep. And this morning, I woke up already feeling the effects (I always have had an immediate improvement when starting Prozac)--there was a lightness, a gentle sort of "swirling" feeling at the top of my head, not a dizziness but a floating feeling. And my eyes popped open, wider than in a long time, and I realized I wasn't waking up to a pressing darkness or tears today. I also felt, at long last, a general sense of motivation regarding job searching--which recently had come to a "why bother" sort of stand-still in my brain.

I called my Primary doc and asked him to refill the old prescription. And when I go to my therapist next week, I will tell her that, yes, I am back on the damn things again, after all--but that I *had* to go on them, because this is truly what I believe to be my last option at saving myself. And yes, soon I will again remember why I hate these pills, regardless of all that's so good about them--and eventually it will make me angry that when I awaken in the morning and swing my legs off the bed, I never really feel them hit the floor as I make my way to the bathroom. The floaty sense of relief I felt this morning will later feel like a numbness to everything real, and I will long to feel some emotions again, and not through some gauzy veil of plastic happiness, but in my gut, unequivocally, with tears running down my face in times of both sadness and joy.

But for now, it's another round of Prozac, and at least I'm seeing the future again--even if it means the inevitable disgust over this love/hate relationship I have with SSRI's.

I have a similar experience. I was fine for about 2-3 years then had a series of downward cycles last year. I don't think I was wrong coming of of them. I had good systems in place to help me when I get down. What I failed to realize those systems have to be maintained and it is a lot quicker to take a pill then to rely on them if you haven't been maintaining them. For example I found a diet with lots of fruits and veggies in a juicer is something I can do and is good. Add in a semi annual cleanse and home cooking I can maintain stability. Mindfulness practice helped too and I did that everyday. Couple other things too. Then I got confident and lazy and busy. Not necessarily in that order. Then I got derailed and I couldn't get back on track. I didn't have any other options to pick from. I hope that changes.

So building those habits is important but I can't be lax about keeping them there. Does that mean they aren't successful? I think it means we need extra help sometimes. More than most. It is a matter for the individual to choose what is important and what they are capable of. It's also having more options available that are safer then ssri's.

About the derailment... That too is a life lesson in what I can handle. Maybe someday I could learn those things before they happen?

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[Erika3]

Michanne, I so agree on the dietary methods for staving off depression. I actually had just done a few weeks of cleansing (juicing etc) when my current depression really took hold. I guess I started the cleanse and exercise too late, after the depression was already too deep. I felt tremendous relief for the two weeks during the cleanse, but then something happened in my head and I stopped the cleanse and started drinking, instead. (lol?? maybe not a laughing matter) Anyway, I know I need these meds for now; but hopefully I can ween off of them when things get more stable again.

The "failing to maintain the systems" part has been a constant struggle for me--yes, I get lazy and over-confident. I feel like I could really benefit from getting into yoga or other mindfulness techniques, but I always feel like I'm so "not one of them" when I think about the people that are so grounded and sitting there meditating or contorting their bodies in yoga class after work. Running has always been my favorite healthy addiction-now I just need to try to get myself to "get addicted" to running again. It's been so so long....

[Rohag]

"One's potential" (defined by whom?) can be a cruel, insatiable master.

I'm glad you found the Fluoxetine, Erika3, when it could be useful for you. I hope you can find a satisfying way to manage the love-hate relationship.

Originally Posted by Erika3

Michanne, I so agree on the dietary methods for staving off depression. I actually had just done a few weeks of cleansing (juicing etc) when my current depression really took hold. I guess I started the cleanse and exercise too late, after the depression was already too deep. I felt tremendous relief for the two weeks during the cleanse, but then something happened in my head and I stopped the cleanse and started drinking, instead. (lol?? maybe not a laughing matter) Anyway, I know I need these meds for now; but hopefully I can ween off of them when things get more stable again.

The "failing to maintain the systems" part has been a constant struggle for me--yes, I get lazy and over-confident. I feel like I could really benefit from getting into yoga or other mindfulness techniques, but I always feel like I'm so "not one of them" when I think about the people that are so grounded and sitting there meditating or contorting their bodies in yoga class after work. Running has always been my favorite healthy addiction-now I just need to try to get myself to "get addicted" to running again. It's been so so long....

The online classes have gotten really good. I use an iPad app that I really like for yoga. Buddify is really good too. If you don't have ios they have mp3's you can download. The ios app is really just mp3's with a great interface and feedback section. When I say really good... I didn't used to go for this type of thing but I am sold now. My issue with group yoga classes is the ones I have been to the last few years have changed from what I fell in love with. It used to emphasize mindfulness and ritual more. Now it's more like an exercise class. That's why I like the iPad app so I can make it more my own.

I love running but my skeleton was trained to walk weird because my mother has a deformity that forces her to walk weird. So as soon as I start getting into it my back goes. It's frustrating. I like the feeling of air in my lungs.

I say all this with the same problem of motivation I have been in ideal position to do a cleanse except for the fact that I have not been able to come up with the mental strength

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[gayleggg]

After 30 years of trying one drug after another, with some working for a period of time, they have finally tried me on Prozac. The vote is still out as to how well or long it's going to have a good effect. They've just upped me to 60 mg. But it's the first thing that has shown any improvement in my mood for over a year. If it works I will take it as long as it does. Anything beats the depression.

[Fuzzybear]

[Erika3]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

After 30 years of trying one drug after another, with some working for a period of time, they have finally tried me on Prozac. The vote is still out as to how well or long it's going to have a good effect. They've just upped me to 60 mg. But it's the first thing that has shown any improvement in my mood for over a year. If it works I will take it as long as it does. Anything beats the depression.

I sure wish you well with it!!