Welcome to Depression!

One thing I've found to be quite ironic in this whole depression saga is the fact that the thing I want most, scares the sh**t out of me - death. If I'm experiencing a low, or even if I've had bad day I really just think about suicide, yet I'm really afraid of being diagnosed with some illness or other. This is an awkward topic for me to talk about in person because I essentially feel weak for thinking this all the time, that death is the answer, when it is the simple way out. But when you come home everyday and the good just doesn't seem to cancel out the bad anymore, then everything else just seems like a waste of time. I'm stuck in this weird rut, where I can't trust a single one of my emotions, which is pretty crap.

The one thing that stops these temptations towards suicide is the pain it would cause my family, but it scares me that there might come that day when family isn't enough to hold on to, and as much as I hate to admit it, I'm a very weak person inside and it definitely wouldn't or doesn't, should I say, take that much to push me over the edge. At 15 it's a lot to take some times, especially when you won't let yourself talk to anyone about it all. And even though I've been told many times here before, you know, go talk to someone. I can't. Not because there's no one there, but because I can't- When I'm in a low then I'm to depressed to talk I just get on with it, but when I'm normal(ish), I'd feel stupid talking to someone because it feels pointless and unnecessary.

But here's another ironic thing I find with depression (I'm full of irony today ) is that whenever I saw those adds on tv for depression, I could never understand why people said there was a stigma attached to depression, but I'm slowly starting to realize that there is. However, I'd almost go as far to say that even though there is a stigma attached to depression, Its more of a thing that's created as apposed to it being solely as a result of society.

(I realize that no suicide posts aren't allowed here- well this isn't one, just in case! )

I hesitate to use the word "exact", but something quite similar happens to me at my lowest. Either I cannot speak or am seized by an overwhelming disinclination to speak; I'm functionally mute.

Keep posting, keep writing. In time you may find the power to verbalise your feelings.