[paynful]

It was my birthday yesterday. It is my worst day. Every year. I don't know if it's a coincidence... that my depression cycle peaks at this time of year, or not... but it just IS. I hate my birthday. It's supposed to be a celebration that I exist; of another year of accomplishments... It hurts to breathe.

I knew it was coming. I tried and HAD a great day on Monday (I wrote a Thread "Breaking out of my shell"). Tuesday, I was sinking and sinking fast. Wednesday hit.. and it hit HARD. My mood ranged from zombie-numb, uncontrollable and random crying episodes, and unbearable pain. I am so very, very tired. If my dog didn't need to go outside and be fed... I wouldn't have moved at all.

Today, I woke up with my eyes almost swollen shut. I'm back to wafting between zombie-numb and random crying. What frustrates me most is that there is no cause that I can pin-point. Nothing that I can point at say, "That's it! I need to fix THAT!"

It runs in my family. I am predisposed to this chemical imbalance. I understand this. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with. I just have to ride out the pain. "This too shall pass" ...just not today.

My mother (who has a heart of gold, but truly does NOT understand) asked me AGAIN what would help, what it FEELS like... It feels the same as the last time you asked! If I knew what would help... I would have DONE IT ALREADY! She means well, but I can't keep explaining (I mention this in the Thread: "What does depression feel like").

The only possibility that I haven't yet explored, is moving. Moving out of a climate that is covered in snow, has little daylight hours, and doesn't get this COLD.

How can I motivate myself to move when I can't get out of my own way? I'm stuck... emotionally, finacially, in my fear... I feel so alone. I can't convince myself that I'm not better off alone.

How can I hope to make friends or have a loving relationship with someone when I would drag them into this? How selfish can I be to do that to them?

There is a pattern, when I first get close to some one... they say they understand. That they are okay with the depression and my process/cycle and it's no big deal... Then, months or a year later when I'm attached to them.. they get resentful.

I hide my pain. So all they see is me sitting in my PJs, watching TV, reading or starring off into space. I can even hide my panic attacks. They think I'm lazy. Why do I get to sit at home when they have to get up early and go to work? They don't realize that I would do almost anything to be able to get past my own pain and contribute. But I'm paralyzed in my "invisible illness." No one believes me until I'm bawling like a baby, rocking in the fetal position, unable to breathe without hyper-ventilating. Why do they have to see me at my weakest to understand? Then, I get their pity... and I've been told, "It's too much. I'm not your therapist." I don't think of them as my therapist... I just been in SO MUCH therapy.. that that is just how I talk and express myself.

The only think I have ever wanted... I can never have.

I have only ever wanted to be happy. But when I can't figure out what COULD make me happpy... I don't even know WHAT TO WANT.

I think being a part of loving family that actually enjoys being a family would change my world.

But again, if I truly cared and loved some one, how could I do this to them? Wouldn't it be selfish to force this upon them? How can I try to contect again and trust that they won't resent me and get scared off?

I can't get away from these thoughts. It's going on a loop in my brain... and the bottom line is ...it's hopeless. And I am destroyed in my heart break. Why does my heart feel like it's breaking again when I don't think it was ever whole?

I don't know what I expect from this rant... I don't know what advice or encouragement I am seeking... I just know that I could really use some feed back. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope you are having a better day than me.

[bookmadness]

Paynful--

Happy belated birthday! Even though it was arduous, awful, and made you feel like crap? Making it through another year is something good, even when we don't realize it (I've had a couple of those myself...more than a couple!)

How you've noted that you would fix what was wrong if there was something tangible to fix? Isn't that one of the hallmarks of some folks' depression? The feeling that something is wrong/off/falling apart, but nothing to quite pinpoint? That drives me nutty, too, since it then becomes the depression and some of its other components that starts to be the situation that needs to be worked on, but that is super challenging...when your depression is at its worst.

I believe you can make the loving family that you want to be a part of, even though you don't feel like you are date-worthy right now. Just like potential partners might need to learn about our health issues, we might need to help them with theirs. Maybe they have diabetes? Or cancer. Or lupus. Or are in recovery. Think of the empathy that you might have for someone else's health or life circumstances because of your own.

Seems I've gone on a response rant of my own Please know you can always PM me if you need to touch base.

thinking of you
bookmadness

Hello depression....Holding Paynful hostage I see......

Ranting is therapeutic. And welcome, here. And sometimes the simple act of writing helps get it out. Not gone, but out there, too.

People come into our lives and leave our lives. And, sometimes, we are not the ones keeping them here. "If only" doesn't make any difference to them, they go anyway.
There is someone out there for you. Unfortunately, depression is keeping you from finding them. Contributing to your depression. Which is keeping you....well, you get the idea.

We have to, HAVE TO, have faith that this.... perhaps will not pass, but maybe lift enough to remember happiness and give us hope.

None of what you're doing today is less than okay. It's fine to stay in your pajamas, cry, mourn, be angry...as long as you reach out and share.
I'm very sorry that it happened, but I'm glad that you feel that you can talk about it.

As an aside, I am originally from a gloomy place (literally). My mom still lives there and most definitely has SAD...I bought her one of those lamps specifically for that..It helps some.
Now I live in sunny Texas and wouldn't, couldn't go back to bad weather.
I believe in changing what we can and accepting the things we cannot change. Like birthdays. Possibly you feel, as I do: "****. I was hoping that I would have been "healed" this time around...Ugh"

Keep posting/ranting....