New here and feeling really depressed

I feel like I have been losing it this past week. I have read several postings and I was surprised to see some many feeling so much like I feel right now. I feel absolutely helpless. I have shut myself off from the world this past week. I don't want to communicate with anyone and only today when I felt like I was falling off a cliff that I was able to make the effort to type "depression" in Google.

I have been dealing with depression most my life. Right now I am having another episode. This one was triggerd by a letter in the mail. I'll go back to last year when I got arrested for DUI. Thank goodness I did not hurt anyone! I was discovered stuck on a railroad track. I have been pretty much a wreck since then. The short story is that I spent thousands of dollars, lost my case, paid my fines, served my community hours and had my license suspended. I felt a tremendous amount of guilt and shame. I was not an alcoholic. I was, prior to that night, a very responsible social drinker and was usally the designated driver since I rarely drank. The letter was from the State of Florida letting me know about my lost case and suspended license (4 months later. Things seem to take a while to get put in the system here, I guess). I don't have health insurance. I just lost my job last night. My car got totaled from the accident and my car insurance dropped me. My friends don't even know I get this way. Hardly anyone knows I even got arrested. My boyfriend and I have our own issues between us and just started couple counseling. I feel many of the issues are because of me getting so depressed. What bothers me so much is the loss of control. I don't know how to explain to my boyfriend or anyone else WHY I get this way. Most people see me as very socialable and easy-going. No one would believe I got a DUI. I can only ignore the phone and e-mails for a short time before people start questioning my reclusive behavior again. I know I am also to blame for feeling so ashamed to admit I have a depression condition. I literally feel like I can stay shut in my room for weeks without seeing or talking to anyone I know..just my dogs and me. I have done distructive, agoraphobic behaviour before. I don't want to be put on meds. I would be willing to take something natural. I do feel like I need to get alot of stuff out of my head and feel like I might be able to relate with some of you here. I am not into public meetings and I cannot afford additional private therapy sessions...especially since I just lost my job. I have cried all day. Part of my head knows what tasks I need to accomplish today and then the depression fills and I end up crying and can't organize my thoughts or focus to do anything but feel a cloud of misery. I know I've rattled along and I probably typed all this in a scattered fashion but I know I won't be judged by that or feel like I have to have structured paragraphs. Thanks for letting me let some of this out. Thanks, everyone for sharing your thoughts. Reading your posts made me feel compelled to post also.

I have to be quite honest with you here and I think you need to get in and get a psychiatric assessmet ASAP. If you have been grappling with the depression for a year now, it doesn't just magically get better on its own absent psychotherapy, medications or some natural element that you mentioned. You are already way down and need the help of a professional)s). Whether you have health insurance or not, every city in the United States has health programs for individuals on a sliding scale which means you pay what you can afford. Look in your phone book in the front under your city and look under mental health and there will be a number. Start there. You cannot do this on your own. Call a friend. Get your boyfriend involved, immediately. Good Luck!

Welcome to PC.. you have made the first step in getting better. You have nothing to be ashamed of... and i agree that an assessment is a good idea and talking openly about all of this with your boyfriend is a good idea too...

Its good that he is in counseling with you because it shows he loves you. Alot of men won't go to counseling.. so be open and honest. He can't help you if you don't be...and you can't help him help you either...

It doesn't have to be this way.. there is hope...check into assistance programs in your area to see if you qualify for help so you can be treated....Have you told the counselor you and your Bf are seeing?

You did a good job of expressing yourself BTW... and the more you talk, the better you will feel... so post all you can... people here care and do listen....

Stay strong..

Welcome to PC ((((((DarkMoon69)))))))))

I'm glad you found us - and you've expressed yourself well.

I'm really sorry for all of the negative things currently happening in your life. It happens to the best of us, and isn't your fault because depression (and things happening as a result) are not really in your control.

You said you're in couple's counselling - I'm glad and I really hope that works for you. Group meetings don't work for everyone but I really think you should talk to your GP first and explain what has been happening lately. They'll probably be more able to direct you to services where you can get counselling at a reduced rate. Since you've lost your job, I'd also suggest looking into some form of financial assistance to help pay for the counselling so you can "get back on your feet" again and hopefully be able to find another job ASAP.

I think I've rambled enough, but I want to welcome you again to PC and to keep on posting - you'll find us all a pretty supportive bunch (I think so anyways!)

Depression really hurts. Just remeber there people here that will always support you. Life can really throw a curve ball. Sometimes my only friends are my two dogs. If you ever want to talk you can PM anytime. Hang in there!

Hi Darkmoon,
First, I want to welcome you to the forum. This is a great bunch of people and I hope you stick around.
Second, I would like to tell you that there are alot of us who stay depressed most of the time.
I started getting depressed when I was fourteen and have struggled ever since.
I have been on anti-depressants for a few years now and it has helped me tremendously, so you might want to rethink that one.
Come on anytime and let us know how you are doing or you can pm anytime.
Good luck to you,
Linda