random thoughts

I'm starting to feel down and down. My past and my 'future' are haunting me.
I never cut myself or something like that...this will seem kinda stupid and I'm Sorry if I trigger or insult anyone...there are sometimes when I want to feel pain and punish myself and I think the best way to do that is like the old times...a tree branch hitting your legs everyday, the angry spanking almost everyday by random stupid 'mistakes'. Not any branch, just a good one chosen with criteria, hiden beyond house's doors, just in case. For me there's no physical pain better than that.
There's nothing better then hide yourself so nobody couldn't see you cry, there's nothing better than being beaten when you are crying because you had been beaten and they just want you to shut up. Pain to calm down the pain.
Who cares, who would believe me. Who would believe in a girl that hadn't a real mother to teach her how to be a girl? A mother that made me hate every step I went through to become a women, that made myself feel ashamed for being a women? That gave me plenty of reasons to look to the other girls of my age and feel ashamed of who I am, and uncomfortable around them.
What kind of father spanked you badly in the middle of the night because he wanted to sleep and heard your whispering voice coming from your bedroom. I just could keep going on and on and on. But I feel sad now and I'm tired of my secrets, I'm tired of hiding everything that makes me sad and that I can't share.

I don't know what to say... except I am sorry you went through all of that.

I am sorry that you had to keep your silence for so long.

Thank you for sharing. Even if it was only the tip of the ice burg, I'm glad you said something.

My goes out to you.

I agree with paynful, thank you for sharing with us, that is a very big step for you. Please continue to share and please know that you are not being judged here.

I admire your courage and bravery. You are not alone in your battle and we care for you very much.

Yes, this are very private stuff about my life. I go over my teenage years, my childhood years. And every dream and thought I had by those times, and I just think, what was in your head, what was you thinking? All the made up things and wished I created in my head just make me feel ashamed. But that girl was not certainly an happy girl, just a good one in hiding her feelings. I'm not a full person because there are so many things about which I feel ashamed, there are lots of things I can't share. Little things, so so little, like if I find a boy cute.
It was not an act of bravery, just an heart pumping and demanding me to speak. As if I could go around talk about this? Neither with my doctor, because she was my parents' doctor and maybe she can be in the future.
Just wanna thank you for caring and not judging, and listen. It really means to me.

((((mulan))))


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Does it help to write things down and read the replys. I know its not the same as face to face but there is a security of sorts this way. It helps us to communicate. You are very brave to break your silence. I admire your courage, and thank you for sharing with us. Keep posting!

(((Mulan)))

I am sorry that you are feeling so sad, and that all of that happened to you. So many of those situations at the hands of our parents are the most challenging pieces to integrate with becoming better.

I believe you had parents like that, because I had parents like that.

I am so impressed with everything that you have shared. I feel less alone just by reading what you have shared

I'm glad I helped someone in some way.

I can relate to the deeply engrained feelings of shame when you think about your past or are reminded by things that you've done and that have happened to you. But what I've realized through therapy is that you need to give yourself time to feel all that pain, but then give yourself even more time to focus on why it isn't your fault and why you don't deserve to be hurt and know that you were abused and no child deserves that.

You can't change your past, but you can create a better future for yourself. I admire your bravery.