I'm the girl who...

“I'm the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union. Because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible...”
― Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

Gencat,
I can understand what you mean. I did the same thing during middle school and highschool. Disappearing is a coping mechanism I think. It was better than being teased and bullied. Sometimes everything felt surreal.

Don't let yourself get too deep into yourself. Getting out again can be hard. What works at one age, eventually no longer works or even becomes destructive.

The one good thing about disappearing is the chance to observe the behavior of others. Nothing is staged or fake. You get a clear view of the people around you and the way they react and act. Later on, even though you didn't participate in social circles, you can at least act normal. Many times people don't notice anything fake about your actions. That sounds a little like a sociopath, and they do observe and copy, but I'm talking about surviving and learning to deal with the world when you can fight your way back.

I know it seems like how you feel will never end, it will at least change. Life is not static. Social groups change, age changes and the way we look at the world changes. Don't give up on yourself. Things can seem extrordinarily bad, only to turn around and either change or get better.

Sam2