[charlotteec]

I'm 18, I have been suffering with depression for around 4 or 5 years now. None of the medication I have been on has helped. I hate myself. I'm not a nice person, I have done awful things. I don't feel sorry for myself, I just want to become a better person. I'm not confident at all, I drink a lot, just to feel confident. And when I drink I often do stupid things, like be mean to people for no reason. I'm losing hope, I don't know what to do, anytime things seem to look up for me I ruin it again.

I don't even know why I'm on this website. Maybe someone..anyone can relate?

Nobody I know personally can.

[Truthseeker14]

I can't offer much advice because I'm stuck almost precisely where you are. I'm 18, been struggling with depression that's been gradually intensifying since 8th grade, and I get little comfort from my friends, who often explicitly say "I can't relate" when I express how I feel to them. I also enjoy drinking, only I actually become what I call a better version of myself. I'm talkative, funny, even, I daresay, happy. When I drink, I'm reminded of who I used to be.

All I can say is that I'm here, and everyone on this forum is here, and let's both try to hold onto the hope that one day we'll find friends and peers who can relate. Until then, my personal aim is to try and accept friendship without having the prerequisite of understanding the pain of depression. Though I don't really want the people closest to me to understand, I want very much to be understood.

Private message me whenever you need to. I'm willing to talk whenever. <3

[regretful]

I'm 48 - recently stopped drinking. If you can stop now, you will be better off...There's no reason that you can't stop drinking now. Give the people on these forums the chance to help you.

[paynful]

While I can't say that I have had similar behavior, it does sound like self-sabotage (which I CAN relate to). It sounds like you throw punches before anyone else can. Seems safer when you give them a reason to hate you instead of letting people get close to you, and hate you for "real" reasons (but I'm not sure they would).

First step would be to break the cycle. Easier said than done, I know. Stop drinking so much. Stop being mean. It's a defense mechanism that no longer works for you (if it ever did). To be honest, it takes more strength to admit that you are scared and vulnerable than it does to simply lash out. Be brave. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but I just think you can do better for yourself. And it sounds like you want a better life for yourself. I think life can get easier when you don't have to watch your own back for the retribution coming at you.

[Altered Moment]

I self medicated with alcohol for years. I can tell you it caused alot more problems for me than it solved. How alcohol reacted with me was unpredictable. I could be in control and handle my liquor, or I could get mean and want to fight everyone, or I could be the slobbery drunk that wants to hug everyone. I had alot of black outs. My friends and I would all laugh at what happened the night before. Me or some other alcoholic would do some stupid stuff and we would all laugh about it.
Inside I was full of shame and guilt. It is not going to help your depression only make it worse.
You are young and resilient and there is much you can do to help yourself. Read the different sections of these forums on self help and therapy. Many of us struggle with the med issue. It can be a b**tch. You may have to switch or increase dose. Incorporate healthy things into your life. Go to the gym, do yoga, join a group of some kind. Get help with changing self destructive behaviour.

[donna450]

Ive never drank..just mean and nasty deliberately trying to hurt so I wouldn't hurt so much inside. I went through a severe case of depression where they tried every med to bring me out..but the only thing left to try was ECT. It worked I slowly but surely got better. But my bipolar depression kicked in after a long abcence and I'm not sleeping well bc I think hypomania is coming back. No matter what time I go to bed I'm up at 4am. But two days ago reading a tweet I ran across a saying that struck a chord for me..."it's not what you see...but how you see it." I was going deeper and deeper into depression bc I felt there was no place to go. But that little saying got to me. I don't have to let depression run my life...I am stronger...so 2 days ago I decided not to fall into that trap again. I've been on an even keel basically..I can function...do daily things even enjoy my family. I've had bipolar rapid cycling for 40+ years and most of it I was ruled by this mental disease...I'm fighting back..I feel stronger for it..more positive..your self medicating to forget..but you won't forget bc it's a part of who you are..embrace it use your will power and family and friends who understand (not liquor) to help you through it. It takes its toll but you can do this. Keep your eye on the prize..stability.
Drinking never solved aything except to depress even more. It doesn't sound like your better for it. Your mental health along with meds and therapy can only be accomplished, in my experience, by embracing who you are and accepting your mental health in a healthy way. Keep coming back and try to read the positive results and also those who are asking for help. Maybe one day you can give someone else the value of your experience and give them a little help on their journey. Good luck... <3

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