[Kindheart17]

So last night after my panic anxiety stress attack brought by waiting for him to call me since he promised he was going to call and never did. I called him a zillion times and text. I posted on the forum then My phone died. I spent the night on what I call my bed nowadays which is my friend's couch. I couldn't sleep and had a hard time getting to sleep. Somehow I forgot about the phone and just cried all night. Until this morning my friend had to go to work and told me to feta grip. That he is not worth it. That he is probably having fun somewhere while I want to die. I managed to sleep a little but in my dreams I was reliving my problems. Only this time my ex had a reason not to want to be with me. Because of another woman. In my dreams I cried just like in real life uncontrollably. I would wake up and went back to sleep again and the dream would pick up from what I left off. Never had a sequence dream like that. So when I finally saw my phone. I noticed he called. Last night at 1 am and 2. Not before I sent a final text saying not to bother calling. I got very angry and found one second of strength telling him how much he had hurt means for him to have a nice life. I was so angry I cursed him out. Well today he has been calling me all day. No messages no texts just calls and I haven't pick up. I am dying inside to pick up but I am not. Not sure how much longer I can keep this up. Knowing me I probably will call him later is Friday night and he will be going out I'm sure and the thought of not knowing who is he with kills me. So I need strength. I tried keeping busy today. Had a job interview for the position I really want. Is going to be super hard to get it. They told me they are been super picky. And selective. But I just hope for a chance fora second interview. So right now I'm waiting on 3 jobs interview. I want to work tomorrow. Give my life somekind of structure. So I pray for the best. What does this sequential dream means? Maybe is a warning that he is with another woman? Can anybody give me their thoughts? And why is he calling me now. After I sent a final text saying don't look for me and have a good life. Any thoughts?

[Kindheart17]

So as I writing this. I just got text messages from him. Explaining why he didn't call. I haven't respond. Why is he playing games. All I wanted was the decency of a call. Everything is so new. There is still so much we need to discuss. We are married. People say earrase his number. But I can't. My stuff is still there. I just don't have a place to put it permanently. I'm just in limbo right now.

[Altered Moment]

You are going through a normal grief process. To get angry and tell him off is a good thing and shows you are making progress. Not picking up the phone is huge.

Stages of Grief (I noticed they do not necessarily go in order, I bounce back and forth between them)
The stages, popularly known by the acronym DABDA, include:
Denial — As the reality of loss is hard to face, one of the first reactions to follow the loss is Denial. What this means is that the person is trying to shut out the reality or magnitude of their situation, and begin to develop a false, preferable reality.

Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Anger can manifest itself in different ways. People can be angry with themselves, or with others, and especially those who are close to them. It is important to remain detached and nonjudgmental when dealing with a person experiencing anger from grief.

Bargaining — "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if…"
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow undo or avoid a cause of grief. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Other times, they will use any thing valuable as a bargaining chip against another human agency to extend or prolong the life they live. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just do something to buy more time…" People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example "Can we still be friends?" when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it is a matter of life or death.

Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon so what's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
During the fourth stage, the grieving person begins to understand the certainty of death. Much like the existential concept of The Void, the idea of living becomes pointless. Things begin to lose meaning to the griever. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and sullen. This process allows the grieving person to disconnect from things of love and affection, possibly in an attempt to avoid further trauma. Depression could be referred to as the dress rehearsal for the 'aftermath'. It is a kind of acceptance with emotional attachment. It is natural to feel sadness, regret, fear, and uncertainty when going through this stage. Feeling those emotions shows that the person has begun to accept the situation. Often times, this is the ideal path to take, to find closure and make their ways to the fifth step, Acceptance.

Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality or inevitable future, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event. This stage varies according to the person's situation. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief. This typically comes with a calm, retrospective view for the individual, and a stable mindset.

[Altered Moment]

You have to decide that you don't want to get back togethor with someone who would do this to you. No matter what he does or says.

[Kindheart17]

Thanks for this @zinco14532323. He still texting. Pick up plz. I haven't. But I want to talk to him badly. I don't know how much longer I will keep this up. I am bouncing back and forth. Specially the bargaining. I even told him that he didn't have to stay married. That we can start fresh and date again and rebuilt our relationship. Am I crazy? How can I accept this? I have no dignity or self respect. Is so sad. But is the truth. I'm so ashamed.