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It is me again and I am struggling to keep myself together today. I want to say thank you first to all of you for your support and though I am new here I feel a sense of safety that I have never felt. Your words mean alot to me and I look forward to reading what you have to say. It's days like today that I cringe at what I sometimes write. I am not feeling the hope as I sit here. My insides shake from feelings of fear that walks back with me a long ways. I feel anxious as time ticks away around the clock. The strength
I had a few days ago has subsided within. I am trying to grasp the purple for safety to feel safe within myself. I realize where I am although my heart has sunk somewhere beneath the ruble, looking for someplace safe within the walls that are now crumbled inside. I feel too exposed--too much to focus. Trying to allow myself these feelings yet fearing that the darkness is swallowing me up inside. To hold my head up, I do not feel that strong right now. But I whisper to myself that it is okay--that I am okay, and taking one long minute at a time is okay. The clouds outside remind me of the clouds surrounding my heart. The drips from icicles are like tears that have not fallen today from burning eyes that feel blocked. It feels silence is taking up space around my heart and what is left of the wall. I reach out but the glass surrounds making it echo back. The empty eyes are hiding from the fear lurking within. There's a smell of d^ath surrounding my head clouding my mind. It seems to disrupt my thoughts and stir much inside. Too much noise, too many voices. I find myself drowning within. Fear lurking in and out, and between each word I write. But I am trying to tell myself that it is okay to be in this place today, but somehow it feels wrong. My heart pounds inside and out from emotions so bottled up with what seems like to be no way of release. But I write. Struggling to reach out beyond the confines of my heart. Struggling to say those four little letters H E L P, to form a word that does not have real meaning to that part which screams. Nor to me for I know not what is hidden yet that is lurking at me through the cold breeze of my mind. The icicles dripping hit the pane with a pit-pat and as I hear them something inside moves with fear that covers me. It seems my heart will beat out of my body before I can control it. Today I fear fear itself. Just the word shakes me to the core. There are no tears just bottled up emotions that has no escape. Life itself is a struggle today. I feel them--they come and go. I hear them--they are here. I do not feel alone. I feel the struggle within me to be strong yet the knowledge that I know it is okay to feel what I need to feel. I live in a world that is never quiet. Little ones crying and screaming and taping the glass surrounding a heart that is shattered. A wall built and carefully constructed to keep pain and hurt from inflicting the conscious soul. But the wall lays crumbled and hurt and pain now reach the soul. It hurts as the shattered pieces float about and throughout my being. But I write to keep going and to somehow reach out. And I wonder if anyone is there? Can anyone hear me? But I write.
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Dec 09, 2006, 11:00 AM
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