[notallwhowander]

When is it that I will hate myself enough, cry enough, try enough medication, lose enough of my potential, push enough people away, cause enough hurt to those who love me, and forget what living really means enough to make the decision to do something drastic. Strangely, I used to think it comforting to know that 3+ years of depression couldn't push me off the edge. Then I realized that I am over the edge, I've actually been dangling from it this whole time, and I'm losing strength to hold on. I don't want to alarm my family or friends, but I can't keep pretending that I have the fortitude to pull myself up from that edge.
When do I say 'alright, depression and anxiety, that's all I can take. My eyes and arms were wide open to catch all the pain in the world, and now I don't want any more of it.' I kept the pain hidden so that I could shield the ones I love from it, but it's a toxic stagnation that keeps me standing still in a moving world. I think I've had enough. I've tried a few forms of treatment, but never going somewhere controlled and structured - like a retreat or hospital, or rehab - and I'm wondering how effective that would be for me. Any advice, experience, thoughts?

[Altered Moment]

I went to a drug and alcohol rehab and it was an excellent experience. I have never heard of an inpatient rehab for depression expect in a hospital. You would think they would have them just like they do for drugs and alcohol. I spent three weeks in a hospital once but I was really out there and didn't get much out of it but they did have a structured treatment program with groups and stuff. I think you have to be really suicidal to get into a hospital.

Alot of places have IOP or intensive out patient treatment. This where you go to group therapy, one on one therapy,see a pdoc, and so on for like six hours a day.

Well after googling it I guess they do have residential ones.

[regretful]

I was in a hospital for 7 days...it was not treatment, but rather supervision for safety. I have seen rehab for drug/alcohol abuse work very well for people in my family. I don't know about retreats; though they look enticing on their websites, they are very expensive. Since I was released from the hospital, I've been relying on medication and the encouragement of family and friends. They have been very understanding. I wish you well in your situation. By the way, my depression has been a four year struggle, and I've been at that "enough of this" stage many times.