Epic FAIL

That certainly didn't go as planned (obviously, since I'm here). I awoke yesterday afternoon. I'm assuming I was unconscious until then, or if I did wake up any I don't remember. My head is still feeling a bit fuzzy though. Mostly, I just feel physically weak and nauseas. I've managed to sip some juice and nibble a cracker so maybe that will ease up soon.
Mostly right now, I'm just angry. Not just because I failed (again), but because of things done while I was unconscious. Nothing has been said, but I know because I woke up with my underwear removed, sore, swollen, and dried blood on my thighs. On top of that, I awoke on the floor in the approximate 2foot space between the bed and wall. Apparently, he got his jollies then discarded me. I managed to ask why he didn't take me to a hospital this morning. His response was,"Why would I? You were still breathing.". Just when I think there's nothing left he could do that would surprise me...he does something that makes me realize even I don't know the full depth of his twisted sickness yet.

I don't expect anyone to respond to this. I just thought writing it out might help clear my head a little and figure out my next move.

Oh no Whoaminoone
Thats, well dunno what to say. Terrible. I'm sorry you feel so bad. He didn't take you to hospital.
Who is it, is that your b/f?
What a sick bast##d.

How are you now, I think you need to check in with your doc.

what you described is RAPE.

it is disgusting

In your last thread I asked if there was a church you could seek help from, since every avenue you tried wasn't working out. I am concerned for you and your children. His behavior is NOT ACCEPTABLE. You deserve better for you and your children. You are a valuable human being. Is there a church or convent in your area that you haven't reached out to?

I am so sorry he hurt you again. He is awful and I am sorry you have lived with this abuse for so long. I am sorry that you have been broken down to the point where you see what you did as your only escape.

I hope you can find a different avenue out of this relationship. No one deserves to be treated the way you have been. I know you have tried many different avenues already. Maybe a crisis helpline could help you locate new resources? There are national ones and several states also have their own.

Sending you love and good thoughts

No, I have not looked for help at a church. In fact, I can't honestly say I can recall ever having set foot in a church. I can't see myself going now asking for help. Partly because my past attempts to seek help failed, but also because it's a lot easier to talk about my life here because I'm anonymous. I would never be able to bring myself to talk about these things face to face with anyone. In my experience, the general public is not so sympathetic to these circumstances. I've heard people talking (not specifically about my situation, but in a more general sense about abused women) and so many make statements like, "If she didn't like it she'd leave." " It can't really be that bad because she's still there/ she went back.". I'm sure you get the idea. I can't disagree that it's my own fault that I ended up where I am, but that just makes it more humiliating for others to know what really goes on in my life.

Have you tried the hotlines for domestic abuse? They do understand this kind of thing. No matter how bad it is, it is hard to leave.

Often those in this kind of situation feel there is no other choice, that is what happens to people who are abused. Doesn't matter what their situation is how smart they are, or how much money they have the shame keeps them trapped. On the average people leave and go back 7 times before they leave for good, if they get out at all.

What you have described is bad, it's physical, mental and verbally abusive with rape. Next time you feel you have no recourse but to try what you did please go to an ER. They do have people there that deal with this kind of situation. I drove myself to the ER years ago while I was in shock and needed stitches, I had never heard of safe houses, and even though I was in bad shape I denied it was that bad. I went back after they stitched me up but the memory of their kindness and nonjudgmental caring lead me to call the number they gave me a few weeks latter. There are people who care and who will help.

Certainly society doesn't understand. Why do women keep going back? Why do they call the police and then refuse to press charges or stick up for him when the police get there? Or always say I just fell and this is how I got these bruises? It is true people don't understand.

I can say I partially understand. And I can speculate about why you stay. Although my first reaction is to say get the hell out at all costs.

My second reaction is if you can't do it for yourself then do it for your kids. You have stated that it is to late for me but maybe you could prevent someone else from going through the same thing. Well don't you realize that if you have a son he is going to grow up and do the same thing to his wife? And don't you realize that if you have a daughter she is going to grow up and marry a man that does the same thing to her. If it is to late for you and you want to prevent someone else from going through this then prevent your children from going through this now and in the future.

A hotline sounds like a good idea. You can stay anonymous but hopefully find some resources that will help you escape. I hope you are okay. It sounds really awful.

SOME of the general public is unsympathetic (I think education is key!). I would definitely call a hotline, this situation is unacceptable to say the least.

I'm very sorry for your situation. And I am extremely worried for your children.
Call the hotline
Find a shelter, I know you were turned away a few years ago, but that's no reason to not try again.
As Maria said, get in touch with a church or convent, it doesn't matter it you have never stepped foot inside a church.
Call the police.
Surely you have SOME relatives or friends somewhere.

You attempted suicide....but what would your children do in your absence?

I'm sorry if I come across as harsh, but you need to be protecting them, not leaving them to an abusive father.

I'm sorry, but I'm not getting something here, did he drug you or beat you unconscious? Were you drinking? Because if it's one of the first two, you could die next time. Assuming this monster is the father of your kids, they will have a dead mother and an abusive father who will spend many years in jail. Then who will take care if them? That thought alone would send me running. I feel for you, I can't even begin to wrap my head around the emotions that must be racing through your head right now. My first instinct would be to call the police ASAP and get to the emergency room. But I don't know what your psychological/economic bond is like with this guy. I agree with what everyone else has said about calling a hotline or reaching out to someone who deals with this sort of situation on a professional level. Hopefully they can help you sort out some sort of escape plan, or give you the courage you need to call the police if that ever happens again. I for one hope that it never does, ever.

This makes me feel sick. Some men are monsters.

You are lovely and do not deserve this. He is abusing you and gives us men a bad name.

Have a hug x