No one to turn to, so rambling ahead

This will likely be long. I'm sorry. I apologize ahead of time.

The only thing I really want out of this post is to get things off my chest, to find someone who may be able to relate, and maybe to even have someone to talk to for a few posts. To make me feel less alone.

I have never felt more alone than I do at this moment. I remember a time where I was surrounded by friends and still felt alone, but back then, there were things that could distract me from my thoughts. Having friends was a distraction in itself. Now, I don't even have that. Right now, I find myself thinking... I would give anything to have that back.

Depression has hit me again. It has came to me full force, crashing down on me like a tidal wave. I would even go so far as to say that this is the worst episode I have experienced to date. One month strong so far. I feel exhausted. Socialization is near impossible. I want to get out there, to do things. But when I try, I do not have the energy. Because of how I spent the past year (see: eating habits), I literally do not have the energy, neither physically nor emotionally/mentally. I cannot focus on anything. I find myself doing simple life tasks. Taking a bath, brushing my teeth, even trying to sleep and thinking Why am I doing this? What's the point? School? Forget about it. I got my first C in Psychology. Ever. On the Depression/Bipolar/Suicide module. How the heck did someone who should, logically, pass that one get a C? It was passing, sure. A high C. But it was the first sign of my slipping. I sit in class, staring at my professors/instructors... and find myself thinking Why am I doing this? And it's not that I'm in the wrong major. I love my major. I have this apathetic line of thinking about everything now. Everything.

A few months ago, I didn't want to eat because I was afraid to. Now, I don't want to because all I can do is stare blankly at my bowl/plate/whatever and think I should just go back to sleep. Sometimes, I cry without warning. Sometimes, I want to cry but can't. And my mind is often so full of thoughts that I feel like it might implode on me at any given moment. Just today, I was sitting in Humanities, and found myself thinking 100 things at once. Anxiety? Perhaps. I'm not sure. But mostly... mostly depression.

I have been counting down the days until my next therapy appointment, but it seems so far away. Some would tell me 'just call'. But I have phone anxiety, and it's gotten worse. Now, when I try to call, I get so scared that I just hang up. I have become afraid of everything. I'm not sure why I'm afraid. I'm not sure what I'm afraid of. Failure. Sleep. Dying. Not dying. People. Socializing. Not socializing. There is literally nothing I am not afraid of.

And I'm rambling. I was in psychology class the other day, and we were discussing how depression forms. The type of person prone to depression and other mood disorders. The words mostly went right through me, as they always do lately, but something stuck. It was about socializing. This comes up a lot in psychology class. How to really be healthy, one must have a support group. Someone to speak to. People that will be there to help them recover from whatever they're going through.

I can count on one finger how many people I have. Literally one finger. She's an online friend, but I suppose, that's better than nothing. I feel I have been mistreating her, though. Taking her for granted. She has been there for me through it all. And tonight, when I began speaking, she noticed instantly something was wrong. SHE can see it, whereas no one around me can. She insists that I should speak to someone. Perhaps, she's right. It feels so strange how she is more in tune with me than my mother, or my sisters. She saw signs of my current state before I ever did.

My mom has lately been so lost in her own depression that I feel she doesn't listen anymore. Any conversation I have with her, she makes it about her. Dealing with this grows very frustrating, very fast. I feel bad for thinking this. Even having told her at several points. But sometimes, we all need to be heard.

I don't know how much more I can take. I feel like I've isolated myself so much... that I have successfully gotten rid of my support network. And I need it now more than ever.

I keep thinking... about asking "When do you know if you need hospitalization?" but remember seeing a thread in which someone asked that and someone else replied "Asking that is a good indicator that you do". Perhaps I do.

Hello, Bronzeowl!

What would hospitalization do for you now at this stage? Would inpatient treatment end the current episode? Would it reinforce your tiny support system? (These are all real questions, not rhetorical.)

Wishing you discernment and better days...

I can certainly relate. Sounds to me like you are in a very deep depression. I don't know how you can make it to class. When I am that deep into one I basically just sleep. I cannot function at all. I don't even shower unless I have an appointment and have to out. I get afraid of everything to the point of bordering on psychosis. I get paranoid with this sense of impending doom.

I do think it is very important to have a support system around you. For me it has also become much smaller. I have my family, I have a couple of online friends I chat with alot, one friend, and my pdoc. I need to get out and go to AA meetings and maybe a dual diagnosis group but I can't get myself to go and I am even doing pretty good at the moment. I am not well enough yet that I can even get out there. My friend is always texting me to come watch a hockey game with him at his house and I just can't get myself there. He is very safe and understanding too.

Maybe you need to adjust your meds. Doesn't seem like Lamictal alone would work for depression. Will they accept you into an inpatient if you are not really suicidal?

I wish I had advice. But I can relate. A lot of what you are describing sounds similar to my symptoms. I am sorry it is so rough for your right now. You are not completely alone in this. Please keep posting

I'm not entirely sure, to be honest. I keep thinking about that question. The only answer I can really come up with that seems valid is... 'keep me safe'. It seems so strange to me that I feel I would need it to 'keep me safe'. But with the way my thoughts have been, I fear that there is probably some truth in it.

I have thought that, perhaps, it would reinforce my tiny support system. Maybe it will. I'm not sure..

I would definitely say it's a very deep depression, though. To be honest, half the time, I'm not even sure how I make it to class anymore. I feel like a robot. I feel like everything I do is just.. out of my control. As though I'm going through life, but not really experiencing it. I wake up every morning and I some how manage to make my coffee and then somehow I end up in class, staring at the instructor but never really 'seeing' him anymore. I have no energy, no motivation, no incentive to do anything at all. I keep waking up thinking Today will be better. But as I found out this morning... it never is.

Med adjustment would probably be beneficial. Except the cost of the Lamictal alone is hurting my pocket. Still waiting on the insurance companies to get back to us. Fingers crossed, but time will tell. To be honest, I do believe I am reaching a suicidal point. I don't want to discuss it in too much depth. I feel afraid of it, to be honest. Because I have moments in which I thoroughly consider it. My mind reasons with me. Dares me. And it seems that each day, it looms there more and more. In the past, it would just.. be passing thoughts of it. I'd think I'd be better off if.. and those kinds of things. Now, it's far more than passing thoughts.

I can't say whether I am or not. To be honest, half the time, I feel like I'm not even in control of my own mind anymore. It's kind of like... dissociation is the only word I can think of. When I was attacked by dogs three years back, my mind felt like it was floating. I could hear the dogs, I knew it was happening, but I couldn't feel it. It was like it was all happening to another person. That is my life now. So, while I should be able to say whether I'm suicidal or not with utmost certainty... I can't.

I want to keep posting. The words just drift in and out these days.

ETA: And yes, I get the sense of impending doom. I have actually grown afraid of sleep because I'm terrified if I sleep, something bad will happen. I'm almost convinced of it. Sometimes, I'll lie in bed, and that sense of doom... will be there. Always.

If I understand, you have good reason to believe your internal state has changed or possibly entered a new, more dangerous stage.

The medicos and counselors associated with an educational institution are motivated to protect that institution from liability; you need to consider this if you speak to any. Do you have a doctor/pdoc/T you could approach who is not tied to your school?

I have no advice to give but you are not alone. I very much identify with much that you wrote. I understand the phone anxiety and know how much of a struggle it is. It is so easy to let go of the support network that we often don't see it happening until we look up and find out it has dissolved with our noticing.

You are very good at understanding yourself, but perhaps now is the time to take action on that self analyst no matter how hard it is to get the wheels in motion. As you said, there is some truth in the need for "it" to keep you safe.

That's pretty much it, yeah. And that it may be entering an even more dangerous one.

I have considered that. It's been in the back of my mind every day for this whole semester. Neither of my doctors are tied to my school. I'm seeing them through a state appointed program. They pay for so many visits before I have to find another way to pay.

Thank you, sidestepper. I guess in these stages of depression, it gets so easy to believe you are, in fact, alone. I know I'm not. So often, though, I feel like no one else in the world would get 'it'. But I know that isn't true. And then there are moments where I realize it isn't true, and my heart weeps for everyone else who has to go through this. If that makes any sense at all. Because I wouldn't wish this big... 'nothing' on my worst enemy. Not that I have a worst enemy. I've even isolated myself from those.

Perhaps it is time to. I just can't see past... any of this. Yesterday felt like it was a week. And only 24 hours had passed. It felt endless and that's what all of this feels like. Endlessness. I have finally realized I cannot do this on my own. Scary thing to realize when you're isolated.

Thank you. Advice or no, it helps knowing I'm not alone.