[Nammu]

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”
― David Foster Wallace

This sums up so well where I am at right now. Stuck between the raging fire and a fall into the enternal abyss. The medicine I've started has done nothing to help me sleep, and the loud ocean roar is back in my head. It takes a month and a half just to get up to the therapudic dose, I don't know if I can last that long. I try to go though the day in denial and keep my mind focused on games or give advice here but in the end the truth is that I can not run away from what a useless pathic creature I am.

[LaborIntensive]

This sounds so bad but I cannot empathize as I do not hear a roaring ocean in my head all day. I have tinnitus real bad though and it's enough to make anyone crazy to put up with. It's always there but I can tune it out throughout the day. I guess each day I just wonder what surprise is around the corner. After all I am always seeking knowledge and I am into all the fields of research that offer this information. Perhaps you can find something that can drive you further in these areas of thought which can give you a sense of wonder and hope.

Give it some time... even tho it seems impossible to wait it out with no certainty that it will get better. To follow the analogy, the fire can go out but the fall can't can't be stopped after you jump. I know that's a clumsy way of saying it. Just hang on as long as you can

[JadeAmethyst]

we are here for you, we care

[Idiot17]

Nothing else to say, you put that down really swell.
(((((sidestepper)))))

[TheOriginalMe]

I don't know if this is helpful or not, but in a raging inferno it isn't the flames that kill but the fumes. So don't let fear fatally obscure your judgement.

Insomnia is terrible, mine is partially improved and I've still two more weeks before I get the full therapeutic effect from my med. At least I've stopped hallucinating now, even if I don't get enough sleep to function well.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( sidestepper ))))))
You put this so well.

[Nammu]

Wanted to thank everyone who responded and for their understanding. Things seem a bit better today. The fire is not raging so today and the smoke is a bit thiner so I can see a bit better. I know these mood are not forever. It's the illness that makes everything seem insurmountable and impossible. No matter how impossible it seems to me right now I know I'll emerge from this darkness sooner or later. Oh let it be sooner, but what shall be, will be.