[inadequateJellyfish]

Everything. I'm not saying I hate everything because I really, really don't. I know great people, I never ask for anything and I'm so attached to everything I've encountered. I don't want to leave, but another part of me wants to. I feel as if I'd be better off out of everyone's lives - PLEASE, do not tell me otherwise and things like, "ohhh but your loved ones would miss you!" Yes, I would miss them too.

I really can't explain it and it's confusing me. I just have this desire (?) to either die or just leave everyone and everything. I don't want to, but I feel like I have to.

I dislike school, I've failed math for years. I love my teachers and I love to learn, but I ****ed up too much in school because it's me, all me, I **** up. I get jealous way too easy, I doubt everything. I don't believe the nice things people say to me even though I love those people, I feel like I'm bothering them.

I really can't explain it, but I just want to up and leave. Disappear forever. I don't want to get close to any other people, just the memories I have of everyone I've met.

My thinking these past few months (by past few months, I mean September and on) my thinking has been feeling clouded, foggy. I feel like I've gotten dumber. I can't focus on reading like I used to. And I try to hold my tongue because things are honestly just better if I don't talk, which is one of the contributing reasons as to why I've taken up learning sign language.

I really just want to leave, I want to live as a nomad, it won't be easy and I'll probsbly be very scared but, nothing can be as confusing and frustrating as my mental state now.

I really don't want to leave my...lover, or my cat...but I another part of me wants to. And I want to follow it, I have around 20 or so days to decide.

I mean I'm sorry for posting this, I don't even know why I wrote this or what I'm getting at. I just don't know what to do. I want someone to tell me to leave, to tell me to go, I suppose. I don't know.

[Curupira]

I have lived the nomad life. I have moved to a new country or state every 5 years for as long as I can remember. While part of me loves it, the other part of me wishes I had roots. People who jave loved me hteough thick and thin.

I am not advocating one state of being over the other but they both have their advantages and you may not appreciate what you jave now till it is lost to you.

[izzyfg2000]

just dont. simple as that, but also complicated.

[inadequateJellyfish]

Originally Posted by Curupira

I have lived the nomad life. I have moved to a new country or state every 5 years for as long as I can remember. While part of me loves it, the other part of me wishes I had roots. People who jave loved me hteough thick and thin.

I am not advocating one state of being over the other but they both have their advantages and you may not appreciate what you jave now till it is lost to you.

I do appreciate what I have. I don't want to leave, I feel like I have to. I'll lcoe and miss them more than anything in the entire world.

Originally Posted by izzyfg2000

just dont. simple as that, but also complicated.

Then if it's complicated, it's really not simple..

[izzyfg2000]

Originally Posted by inadequateJellyfish

I do appreciate what I have. I don't want to leave, I feel like I have to. I'll lcoe and miss them more than anything in the entire world.



Then if it's complicated, it's really not simple..

If that's how you think of it, OK.

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[inadequateJellyfish]

Originally Posted by izzyfg2000

If that's how you think of it, OK.

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Okay. Guess it is.

[mcy60]

I just read a saying tonight that might be helpful in making your decision: Toss a coin into the air, and during the time before it takes to land, your mind will already know the (true) answer. (Because secretly we'll most likely be hoping for one particular option to appear anyway.)

[littlemiss44]

Why do you have only 20 days to decide what you'll do?

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[TheOriginalMe]

If you do decide to lead a nomad life then you must explain, to the people you love and to the people who love you, why you are leaving. To just up and leave without a goodbye or an explanation would be cruel, people love you and they need to know what is happening to you. If you can handle the explanations and goodbyes then you may well find what you need from the nomad life. If you just up and leave, then whatever you are running away from will stay with you and haunt you in some form or another.

Good luck with your choice.

[Altered Moment]

Everywhere you go there you are.

Think about that. I left home when I was 19 to get away from college and my parents. In hindsight I can't really say if it was a good or bad thing to do. In an ideal world I would have stayed and finished college. The drugs and alcohol and depression were so bad and I was f'ing up so bad I had to get away. Let me assure you that myself followed me.

[waterknob1234]

I agree with Zinco. Everywhere you go there you are. I remember college was so hard I quit. In hindsight I wish I had stayed in school and changed my major. I can understand the feeling of wanting to leave. I have been there many times. Think carefully before you make major moves. Wishing you well.

[roads]

You say you feel that you "have to leave," but the implication seems to be that you think the others will be better off without you. Hopefully, though, they will miss you as much as you miss them once you are apart.

This 20 day deadline sounds too important for something that seems to cover the rest of your life. If you are young and walk away from your social basis, education, employment, then wherever you go you will be starting from scratch. You'll never accomplish much. When you pick up stakes and move on, you won't have much accumulated.

Are you punishing yourself? If you don't make assumptions about how others feel about you, then you always have options. I'd suggest you rethink this ... maybe talk it through with some one having more life experience of a similar nature.

Be good to yourself.

Roads

I agree with zinco that everywhere you go, you are there. What this means is that just changing the scenery won't change who you are inside, your feelings, etc. Sometimes running away feels like the best thing, but it turns out you find yourself in the same mindset. Just think carefully about it, is all I'm saying. Good luck!

[inadequateJellyfish]

Originally Posted by mcy60

I just read a saying tonight that might be helpful in making your decision: Toss a coin into the air, and during the time before it takes to land, your mind will already know the (true) answer. (Because secretly we'll most likely be hoping for one particular option to appear anyway.)

Haha, I like that a lot, thank you. I should start doing all of my decisions like this, since I have a very hard time with picking and choosing...thank you.

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

If you do decide to lead a nomad life then you must explain, to the people you love and to the people who love you, why you are leaving. To just up and leave without a goodbye or an explanation would be cruel, people love you and they need to know what is happening to you. If you can handle the explanations and goodbyes then you may well find what you need from the nomad life. If you just up and leave, then whatever you are running away from will stay with you and haunt you in some form or another.

Good luck with your choice.

I could always leave a note. They'd never let me go if I said it in person, but only out of courtesy I'm assuming. And you're right, but maybe I will change along the way. Thank you.

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

Everywhere you go there you are.

Think about that. I left home when I was 19 to get away from college and my parents. In hindsight I can't really say if it was a good or bad thing to do. In an ideal world I would have stayed and finished college. The drugs and alcohol and depression were so bad and I was f'ing up so bad I had to get away. Let me assure you that myself followed me.

True, but with whatever I face I may change, grow, make more mistakes, learn from them...what if leaving would just be another big mistake that I learn from? It could be for the best, anyways. I'm in a similar spot, but with highschool, so maybe when I'm your age I'll feel the same way? But, it'll be my fault then. Did you change from your experiences, even a little? Thank you.

Originally Posted by roads

You say you feel that you "have to leave," but the implication seems to be that you think the others will be better off without you. Hopefully, though, they will miss you as much as you miss them once you are apart.

This 20 day deadline sounds too important for something that seems to cover the rest of your life. If you are young and walk away from your social basis, education, employment, then wherever you go you will be starting from scratch. You'll never accomplish much. When you pick up stakes and move on, you won't have much accumulated.

Are you punishing yourself? If you don't make assumptions about how others feel about you, then you always have options. I'd suggest you rethink this ... maybe talk it through with some one having more life experience of a similar nature.

Be good to yourself.

Roads

I love them so much but things would just be better if I went away and was forgotten. I don't know what I'm looking for and you're right, the 20 day deadline is a big decision. But, I had thought about this three years ago, and I've been thinking about it again. Since September I've been thinking about this, so I've had more than enough time. Only thing I have to do left is make some preparations.

Punishing myself? I'm not sure. I can't tell, unfortunately. Sorry for the incomplete and confusing answer. I like your idea of finding someone to talk to about this who is older, and may actually have the experience - but where should I find someone? I could try Google but I don't know if these people ever got an internet connection again. Thank you, for everything.

[Altered Moment]

When I was a teenager I fantasized constantly about going to canada and living off the land. I figured all I needed was a chain saw.

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[inadequateJellyfish]

How did that go?

[Altered Moment]

Well I never did it. I don't think I really had a clue what it would take to survive in the wild in canada. I did leave home when I was 19. I was in a deep depression and drinking and using a lot. I had to get away. But I did take myself with me. I had the same problems. There was a lot good about leaving and a lot bad.

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Got children? No? Leave. Just don't burn bridges in case you have no where else to go.

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