[ToeJam]

Well to continue a trend, figured I'd post how it went tonight.

Went in numb and with trouble concentrating... relayed this to her and that it would be appreciated if we paced it a little rather than overloading me with information. She accepted this and we had a chat...

She brought up that she had noticed I'd come to a barrier that was slowing things up... an entrenched defence mechanism that was repressing emotions... and knocking me back... a block.

She asked me describe in physical/visual and auditory terms the block... a bit of a weird task as to me it's just a block, but she insisted I humoured her and so I tried. Described it as a metal curtain; tall, dark, cold and dry.. she asked me what sound it made... and I said, a deep base hum.

Once done, she brought up another activity... called hot seating: to engage this block in conversation... I really struggled with this... she accepted that it was a bit contrived but insisted I gave it a go.

To cut a long story short we surmised that this block, sets me up to fail so that actual failure does not hurt so much. Was a really weird task like I said... but it led to chat about times past to how things are now... that as a youth I was a risk taker, though now I'm very considered... almost overthinking things before committing to anything.

She's asked me to try and do at least 2 spontaneous things before our next session.

We also booked the double session that we'll be having for trauma work... 9th June.

[Frankbtl]

Hi ToeJam, I suppose the "block" thing could have made it more "real", brought it outside of yourself, gave you something actual to challenge??? Less of a threat???
Different things work for different people so sometimes it's about trying different things to see what resonates with you.
I don't know that I'd be "over worried" about progress slowing a bit though, as progress won't always be easy flowing and there may be some stops and starts in therapy, the main thing is you're getting somewhere overall though. Just do what you can to get progress moving at whatever speed as much as you can.
The being more "considered", less of a risk taker can come with age and experience as well though (although I'm not saying you're that old!! ). Although it can be really beneficial in some aspects it can sometimes go into overdrive if it has with you??
And, yes, spontaneity can be good at times, breaks you out of routines, "norms"/expectations that can bind you, and you know "life's too short" as well so why not!!
And you can start anywhere with that, if you've talked about things with your therapist great, otherwise maybe doing a new activity, saying something to someone you've wanted to but not said, making a change in your routine, suddenly taking your wife out somewhere , buy yourself some rollerboots and set off around your local park !!!
I'm sure you've got some other ideas though
Thanks for the up-date though!!!
Sure you'll be getting better posts from others on here (!!), so for now:

Alison

[Altered Moment]

I don't know what hot seating is but I thought you were gonna say she had you visualize tearing the wall down. I think visualizations can be very powerful. Athletes do it all the time. I meditate and visualize my brain all in synch and humming along fine or healing energy flowing through it.

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[Idiot17]

sounds like your t is working with you and trying to help you sort all out....if only all t's out there would.

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

I don't know what hot seating is but I thought you were gonna say she had you visualize tearing the wall down. I think visualizations can be very powerful.

I think that was her initial intent. Not saying that I was being deliberately obstructive to this goal… but (and this is hard putting into words… really does feel contrived and whimsical)… that specific block is a hard one for me to break. I was really struggling with the task… the block if it can be talked about in a concrete way (?) is deep grained… been burnt and I think I repressed my personality as a result.

She concluded to keep the block there for now.

An issue I didn’t raise, which I was umming and arring about, was the medication increase. Did however tell her what the doctor said about the pain in the back of my head. She gave her perspective but right now I can’t recall it with much clarity.

[Altered Moment]

Well those blocks definitely serve a purpose and protect us. Maybe visualize just taking small chips out of it. I know it sound contrived but can be very powerful.

Years ago I got in the habit of screaming at my parents in the shower when I knew no one was around to hear. i was an adult. One time I was screaming at my mom and all of a sudden I looked down and saw all the black inky substance running out of me and down the drain. It wasn't real it was a visualization that just popped up. I didn't visualize on purpose but it worked. You tend to create the reality you visualize, that is why athletes do it so much. Of course it is not that easy but it is powerful.