depression sucks

still me still depressed still at home still worried.

i am still set off into a fit of anxiety by many little things and that makes me think i will never be able to work again. certainly not in the near future. i can't even motivate myself to take any steps at all for considering jobs, looking for jobs, trying to get out on a regular routine.

i have been working so hard at this for so long. i don't feel any closer to a solution. i can't do this forever. i'm already almost out of money and that's not considering that i haven't paid my mortgage in 5 months and the bank is still deciding what to do about it.

i also saw a friend last week, sorry i neglected to post about it, the guy i posted about a while ago, the one i was in love with, then felt akward with, then felt abandoned by. he came to visit and i had to be honest with him. i don't feel like i trust him anymore. i don't feel he has any influence in my life to be a positive support for me no matter what he does. there were more misunderstandings behind it (there is no doubt that this is the truth, i don't think he would make up excuses) but a lot is he keeps assuming things and he always assumes wrong. a year ago he stopped contacting me because he assumed i didn't want to hear from him. we went over that, since then i've been in the hospital, we reconnected, i told him how important he is to me... and yet he still drifted away to other things and now because of just a few things that happened in the interim he assumed again that i didn't want to hear from him. i couldn't have made it any clearer that that will never be the case.

i don't think he is acting out of fear, he seems very very comfortable and knowledgeable about my illness and never showed signs of being uncomfortable that i had feeling for him other then friendship at one point.

i'm just back into self pity mode because the real issue is if i have a friend with some problem and i have a feeling he doesn't want to talk to me, if i feel he needs something i'll take the risk and go out of my way to visit even if it means that they really didn't want to see me and i risk getting hurt. i don't have anyone who can help me even when i am clear to people that i want help and i need help. he called a few times when i was having bad sleep problems and i was sleeping when he called. when i knew he had called i tried to make sure i always emailed him late at night when i was up to tell him i was sorry i missed his call and it was because i was sleeping. he knows i am suffering badly, he knows i was having sleep problems, yet still he assumed that i wasn't taking his calls because i didn't want to talk to him.

like i said the situation is such that i really don't think he's lying, just, hate to say this, STUPID. and that's the best i got here. and i told him that in the state i'm in i can't deal with that because it hurts me even if it a valid reason.

i don't know why i'm off about that now. all night i've just been worried about working, just like yesterday and last week and the last 5 months. i can't keep this like this. i am just crippled when it comes to doing something about it. i can't even take all this energy and put it into something productive like taking steps to find a job. when i even start to think about taking a real step i just shut down completely.

i just can't find myself with a future. can't picture or imagine or plan it. and my hear and now ain't so groovy right now either. i'm just really letting my bills and my home go to pot, same problem.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>