Can't handle it

I'm at a point where I just don't know what to do. I feel so lethargic and when people ask me how I'm doing, all I can manage is to shrug my shoulders. People are trying to help but I really don't think they can. I can't face the world anymore. I don't want to see anymore of it because every time I see it, it's more disgusting and horrible than before. And what's worse, it's making me into something I've never been before. I've been very mellow my whole life. I usually keep to myself and am pretty content. Lately, though, I find I've been far more aggressive. I can't help myself but to scream and insult and tear down people for the most insignificant of things and everything feels like such a huge offense to me. I don't feel in the wrong about all of it but I feel like I used to handle it so much better. I haven't really left the house in so long except for late at night when no one's out and I even do that less than I used to.

I feel completely disrespected and insulted by everyone. I ask people for help but then my concerns just die out to the background noise. I go out in public and I hear people laughing and it feels like they're laughing at me and I hate them for it. I don't want people to be happy and I know it's because I'm not, nor have I ever been but I still feel awful about it. I've been finding signs and things that I know to be irrational but I can't help but feel compelled to notice certain things. Like the universe has been trying to send me messages.

I've just broken off contact with everyone at this point and completely separated from the world all except for this place. And I feel like I may be quitting Psych Central soon enough. Either the people here really think of me as poorly as I think they do or it's all in my head but regardless no one takes this seriously. I'm tired of being belittled and insulted for believing the things I believe and thinking the things I can't help but think. I'm tired of people expecting me to throw away my life for them so that they can get by and not even thinking twice about me. I'm tired of being downright insulted on here.

I guess I've been noticing signs that I don't really want to talk about here because I'm really not sure I want people to know anymore, knowing what they'll think. I'm just kind of considering this my final call for help. I don't know what I expect to get out of it but I am slowly retreating into myself and when I'm left alone with myself and the horrible thoughts that have been racing through my mind, I'm just not sure how I'll handle it.

Sorry for the rant but I've got nowhere and no one else to turn to.

I too let you down. I didn't mean to. I'm so sorry.

I think some people can almost scream from pain, and everyone will still think they are doing OK and that they are stable. I'm not sure what gives that impression but it happens quite a bit to me, too.

We all have a need to be important, it hurts when that need is not fulfilled. But you are important, whether it is said or unsaid.

Take care whatever choice you make.

I'm sorry man - I won't pretend to know exactly how you feel but I can really relate to most of the things you're saying.

Whenever I am in public (which I try to avoid because it scares me) and I hear people laughing but didn't hear what they were joking about I always feel like they are laughing at me. I feel that way even if I'm in my house and I hear the neighbors laughing loudly on the porch next door...

I block myself off from the world mostly too and I find the "real world" scary and threatening. I post in the AvPD forum sometimes - I'm not sure if I have AvPD or a mix of other problems that make me reclusive, depressed and socially anxious but I think everybody there can relate to what you are saying and maybe you can post there if you feel like it. Most of the people there do not have a formal AvPD diagnosis, we can just all relate to the symptoms a lot and are reclusive and kind of terrified of life...

I have also broken off contact with everybody I used to know or be "friends" with. I came to feel like I didn't ever fit in properly and at some point I started to feel like they didn't respect me and I was just an outsider who was trying to fit in (and I think I was justified in thinking that). Like you I have always been a really mellow and "laid back" person but I am prone to anger sometimes lately, more as I have gotten older - I think to some degree it's because I have a very hard time expressing my emotions and I hold them back and it builds inside of me and when I'm feeling down I can lash out in anger at people over silly things.

I have also been slowly retreating into myself - recently I'm only reaching outside of myself when it's completely necessary. Although, I have posted things here and in other mental health forums where I was asking for help and support and was hurt that people didn't seem to respond so much or even seem to care that I was trying to reach out and express my pain that I never express to anyone in real life... although I don't have a ton of "friends" here or whatever I have come to be more open with my feelings and mental/emotional problems here than I have ever been to anyone in my "real life"... most of the time I don't feel like people here are really listening or value me or whatever but I like to vent my feelings and frustrations here and at least I know people are reading it and maybe relating to it a little bit even if they don't respond. That makes me feel a little better than what I used to do which was say nothing at all and hold it all in completely.

Anyways, I know I'm ranting pretty badly at this point, but I think I understand how you feel. I am really struggling myself and I don't pretend to have all the advice or the answers but if you ever want someone to talk to or vent to then please PM me. I have pretty much no real life friends and nobody who PMs me so it would be a nice change to have someone to talk to. Over at the AvPD forum we are often "avoidant" of making posts but you might find that the people there can relate to how you feel if you ever want to post there. Either way take care and hang in there man... life is a ****** when you can't fit in and I'm barely scraping by.

I can't fault you personally for asking for help in a situation where you need it, it's just kind of a clear sign of how people feel about me personally on this place when no matter what, anything I tend to say kind of gets silenced.

I have no ill will towards you as you were really only doing what you should do on this site, asking for help when you were suffering.

@nowheretohide

Thanks so much for the reply. It's definitely very similar to everything you described and can't tell you how sorry I am that you're going through this but how much it helps to know others who feel the same way. I'm still feeling kind of broken enough to the point that I don't know if I'll post in the AvPD forum yet. If I stick around I will, but I'm not entirely certain yet. It's getting hard to say anything to anyone.