It's like I'm BAD to take care of myself

"Sometimes when I do force myself to go for a walk or this or that to supposedly feel better...it doesn't even always have that effect and ends up not being worth all that effort I gathered up. I think that stuff is more helpful for generally feeling sad or depressed but with like major depression its not so simple much of the time."

This whole thread sure rings true for me, too. Trying very hard to keep going through the motions - make a to-do list and do SOMETHING on it at SOME point. Take a shower. Take a walk with a friend. Talk about it with a friend. Take up a new hobby.

But nothing helps. I'm past the point where I think any of that will really have any impact, and ready to just curl up in the fetal position indefinitely. Have an appointment with a t in June, which was the first appt she had open, and even though I keep telling myself that I can muddle through until then, I really don't think seeing a t will help me anyway. Trying new meds might but the process is so nerve-wracking for me, worrying about effectiveness, side effects, and emotionally not giving it a real chance. I'm lucky to have at least some insurance coverage for this stuff, but it seems that even decent health insurance is full of holes and this whole situation gets incredibly expensive, which makes the whole process that much more discouraging.

I totally empathize with you. Not sure what the point of all the effort is. Blah. I do hope that you find something that helps you and that you keep going. I have 3 kids and I have to keep going for them, knowing what it's like to have a messed up mom who throws it all away and leaves a world of pain behind. My friends keep telling me that they are NOT worse off if I'm still around, and that they need me, and that keeps me going but that's the ONLY thing that keeps me going. I wish I could give you some silver bullet to make things better, but depression doesn't ever seem to work like that. Just keep going, ok? Keep going, and don't be too hard on yourself. Having brain chemistry that sets you back isn't your fault and even when you feel like you're not trying, you're still doing the best that you can do and you have lots of support here no matter what.

Good points, friend.

I know, in the past, when I've said to myself "Gee, what if I saw myself as disabled?".... that idea has motivated me, made it OK to take care of myself.

Like I've said, I have tape in my head that says I'm a bad person if I try and take care of myself. Bad, in the sense of "How dare I take of myself, who do I think I am, who gave me THAT right?"

But somehow, if I see myself as having a life threatening disease (which I do, depression) I give myself permission for self care. "It's OK for sick people to try and get better!"