Dysthymia

Hi, everyone.

I'm new to this forum, just introduced myself on the appropriate section, so if anything is missing, if my English has flaws (not a native speaker) or I gave you too much information, or anything... Hit me up and I'll correct it.

So, I'm 22 years old. I have a diagnosed dysthymia... My estimate is that I've been having it for close to a decade.
Most of the time I assumed it was just my personality, being blue, not liking people, closing myself in my room, that sort of stuff. So I took too much time before I started to work on it and it took it's toll on me.

At the begging I was recurrently sad, I stopped talking as much, stopped going to play outside... Basically I started to isolate myself little by little. At some point suicide started to be an option, looking down on the building trying to find the courage to jump was almost a daily routine, holding the knife and pointing it at my wrists too... It never actually happened, just looked to the abyss and never jumped in.

After that I "discovered music", not the MTV/radio friendly music, the one that actually tells me something, gives a message and makes me feel something. It made me stop channeling all the pain, anger and sadness towards myself... I pretty much became a bomb, I was angry at the world, I punched myself, the walls, the furniture so many times there were days I couldn't hold a pen. I got into a couple of fights with other people, too, but not as significant.

Eventually, I taught myself how to hide what I was feeling. I finally moved out of school (at the 10th grade) and consequently changed my colleges... That's why I taught myself how to put the mask on, I wanted a fresh start, so I put new ink on the building without repairing the cracks on the infrastructure.
I was able to have a healthy relationship with my colleges, in the first year I got a girlfriend, we eventually broke up and the next year I got another one.
At that time I thought I was happy, I had "friends" (now I believe they were acquaintances I saw every day) and a girlfriend, that situation went on for two years. Awkwardly for me the void inside me persisted, I didn't why, I had a good relationship with my family, I had a few "friends" and a girlfriend... What was wrong?
Like I said previously, I assumed it was my personality, my way of being and never a disease... Therefore I assumed the girl I was with just wasn't the right one, I mean, we did go through a lot of bumps, ups and downs, and eventually I broke up with her.
The months that followed the void grew bigger and I noticed the mistake I had made and asked for her to come back, which she did, for 3 months and eventually she broke up with me and confessed to cheat on me at the end of the comeback.

The years that followed I pretty much became "dead inside" not for real but I could numb my feelings, I got to make 1 real friend (that I still keep contact with), I had a couple of other girlfriends and smaller things but none like the previous.
Two years ago, a guy I knew told I had a depression, I read the symptoms (insomnia, oscillating appetite, I had it all), which lead to going to a psychologist appointment.
I got diagnosed with dysthymia, I had therapy for roughly a year, I got medicated, made some choices which help me better my psychological state... Than I left both and tried to live a normal life, which I was able to maintain for around 6 months, than I broke down... Suicide started to be an option again (still is), I haven't done what I did before, but in case I want to do it, I have it all planned, 3 different ways.
I tried to go back into therapy, however, my therapist wanted me to go into medication again and I just can't... I wasn't myself while medicated. It was my body, but it wasn't my mind. I do recon I was more talkative, I smiled more often and with more truth behind it, but it just wasn't me, like if half of my mind had been taken over by somebody else.
I thought, that if I found a good job, somebody to love, who loves me back... I would just go away, I mean, I know what I have can take control of it, close it inside my head, put the skeletons back in the closet and lock them up.

That leads to last night... Which is why I'm here and I broke down. I've been working on a new job since January and I met a girl there. Eventually she introduced me to a friend of her. Her friend is gorgeous, she's very nice, she has similar taste to mine in some stuff and she looked like she actually likes me a little.
Yesterday I went out with their group of friends, everything was going fine, could be better, but it was fine... And out of the blue the girl kissed me. That type of situation had never happened to me before in 22 years of existence. I should be glad, excited... And I felt was nothing. Obviously that lead to a terrible kiss as you might guess, lol. But more importantly, I realized I didn't feel nothing at all, not because I numbed myself down, not because I tried to mask myself like before... I was just in a coma-like sentimental state.

I don't know how to cope with that... I thought about that all night eventually I got to the conclusion that I don't remember how happiness feels like, I don't know how it feels anymore.

I don't know what to do and what to think at this moment. I no longer believe finding love and a good job will work... I know nothing any longer...

Cumps, Sooth.

Sounds like a lot going on in your head right now. I don't really have advice for you; I just wanted you to know that relate and that I read your story.
Do you see a therapist. I know that has helped me

Thanks for the attention and reading my story, Dandylin.

I was on therapy between 2012 and 2013, eventually I was go to go and left it. Close to 6 months after I left therapy I had to come back in, due to a relapse. However, my therapist wanted me to go on medication again and I just couldn't stand the idea for reasons said in the first post.

Long story short, at this moment I'm not seeing a therapist.

Welcome to pc...

Hello one of my best frends sorry about the spelling suffers very much from dysthymia I try to get her out once in a while to the store Oh my Please try to feel better?