[sph123]

Part of depression is having these negative thoughts inside your head, and for me, having those thoughts spiraling out of control. But, for years I have been told that I am negative by one person or another even if I am not going through a major depressive episode.

I remember in college the first time someone referred to me as a perpetual complainer. I had no idea and made a concerted effort to stop. Maybe my classmates were all too polite to say something before until someone actually did.

But now, I am thinking back to three people in my life who told me I am negative. These were all men I was dating at the time, and if I had to line up all the guys I dated according to ego size, they would be number 1,2, and 3. I say this, because I don't think I am a negative person and I am wondering that people with higher than normal self-esteem need people to keep "pumping them up." It really bothers me that these people said I am a negative person when I am perpetually fighting my disease.

I think at times I verbalize my hopeless outlook; other times I know I am "no nonsense" and some times I can have a lot of hatred. But, my question is, isn't that normal? I feel I am unfairly accused of displaying emotions which are normal. If I am having a tough day, I hate it when my family asks, "did you take your medication today?" because apparently being sad, hopeless, or angry is a sign of mental illness.

I cannot edit my life to satisfy other people. Especially since I am forced to spend about 40 hours a week with the most negative and hateful person I have ever met in my life (my officemate).

I hope this post sounds coherent, but I am having a really tough day...so it might sound like I am rambling.

[maddnessreturns]

Hugs. It is perfectly normal to have emotions and display them. It just seems that people once they know you have history of mental health issues they turn immediate to that. Have you talked to your family and mentioned how it makes you feel when they ask about your medication? Maybe they don't realize what they are saying is hurtful. And I am sorry about your work situation. And it is hard to deal with a bad work environment since you can't just up and quit. Is there a different office you could work in? Or maybe take time outside of your office to get little breaks from the officemate that is so hateful?

People with high self-esteem don't need to be "pumped up" all the time like that - it's people who actually have very low self-esteem who are trying to over-compensate by acting/pretending they are better than other people (and needing to be told how great they are). Not saying all your boyfriends had NPD, but that is referred to as "narcissistic supply" in regards to narcissism. People with narcissism seem like they have soaring self-esteem (and have huge egos) but actually they have very low self-esteem. Maybe you are a narcissist magnet

[sph123]

Originally Posted by maddnessreturns

Hugs. It is perfectly normal to have emotions and display them. It just seems that people once they know you have history of mental health issues they turn immediate to that. Have you talked to your family and mentioned how it makes you feel when they ask about your medication? Maybe they don't realize what they are saying is hurtful. And I am sorry about your work situation. And it is hard to deal with a bad work environment since you can't just up and quit. Is there a different office you could work in? Or maybe take time outside of your office to get little breaks from the officemate that is so hateful?

I think my family has started to really understand that it's hurtful when they ask things like this. It really bothers me when people use my mental illness against me. It's a disease. And I don't want it to be used as an excuse.

I have really been thinking of approaching someone in HR about this. I don't know if this is something I can approach them on? For now, I have been putting on headphones and ignoring her sighs, muttering under her breath, and her complaining.

[sph123]

Originally Posted by nowheretohide

People with high self-esteem don't need to be "pumped up" all the time like that - it's people who actually have very low self-esteem who are trying to over-compensate by acting/pretending they are better than other people (and needing to be told how great they are). Not saying all your boyfriends had NPD, but that is referred to as "narcissistic supply" in regards to narcissism. People with narcissism seem like they have soaring self-esteem (and have huge egos) but actually they have very low self-esteem. Maybe you are a narcissist magnet

Ha! Well, I think that I might be a narcissist magnet! I know that these guys really do have huge egos -- and maybe that isn't necessarily high self-esteem. But I know that two of these guys flat out said to me at some point, "I am know I am a good catch." (the third guy was cut from the same cloth as the first two). Lesson learned.

That said, it bothers me that they each would accuse me of being a negative person when this is something I work on all the time. I guess I am also wondering if other people have been told that they are negative by people who have no knowledge of their disease? And if they believe that they are in fact not as negative as they are being told?