Hopeless (possible trigger warning/long rant)

This is a rant.

Feeling really hopeless. It gets worse on the weekdays because my dad has to leave to work in another state, giving us only 1 car until he comes back on the weekend. I miss my dad living with us even though he and Mom tear at teach other's throats and my mom says everyone is better off without him here. That's somewhat true but it's better and cheaper if we all live in the same place. I wish they had gotten divorced when I was younger but they never did.

Now my mom has bad vertigo again. And, if she doesn't get better, who is going to take me to the doctors?

I just want to get better at least, so I can work on my mental health. It's just not fair. Why do others get to live lives so fortunate and void of stress or problems when I can't? I have so many health problems and I'm such a disgusting person. I don't see the point to living life or having a relationship. Why do I even have to try for a relationship? I think most humans are inherently evil, so why do I have to be with another person who is like me: selfish and worthless. I don't want kids. I don't want to live until old age. Getting older brings me fear and sadness. I don't want to end up like my grandmother or my mother. I thought that maybe I could have been successful, but only healthy, beautiful, intelligent and/or wealthy people achieve such goals. You work and work and work and need money to be healthy, to be happy. When people say you don't need money it's pure ********. Look at the people who live in poor areas and tell me they are the happiest people in the world, eating McDonald's every day because they have no other choice. Look at the people suffering 100k in debt because you need a degree now to get by in this world. They say to aspire for Harvard and Columbia and NYU yet how can anyone when you're forced to pay for your education for the rest of your life?

I try for my family, I really do, but living hurts so much, physically and mentally. Besides that, people are so cruel. The world is so cruel. I never asked to be born. I never asked for this sickness. Why did my parents do something as selfish as having me when they have bad genetics (especially my mother)? I look at my childhood friend on Facebook who moved to the same area as me, yet she attends a prestigious school and is skinny and beautiful. She knows what she wants to do with her life. She doesn't have health problems. She's lived in luxury, and will continue to because she's attending pharmacy school. I don't hate her in the least bit, I'm very happy for her. But I always wish I were in her place. I wish and wish and wish and have done so for years but wishes don't come true. There are almost 8 billion people in the world, why do I matter?

Hello inkyj: I'm not going to offer you any solutions to your dilemma. I am one of those old people you don't want to become & I've asked myself the same questions over-&-over. I never get any useful answers. From my perspective life just is what it is. There's no rhyme or reason to anything. Each one of us just makes the best of whatever happens to fall our way. This probably sounds bad. But sometimes I think we cause ourselves more grief by trying to figure out why our lives haves turned out as they have, or wishing they could be different. Personally I find it easier to just accept that everything is a coincidence & it is what it is. I hope you can find your way through your current difficulties.

Hi The Skeezyks, thanks for replying.

I didn't mean to word it like that. I just don't see my mother and grandmother as influential people. That is definitely true that wishing I was in another situation makes it worse. Thank you for your kind words.

You're NOT disgusting. I can tell from your post you are a thoughtful person and intelligent. You're right in that life is cruel. I have nothing else to say but I hope you feel better.

The world is indeed a cruel place.
(((((Inkyj)))))

Thank you fuzzybear.

Thank you, but I'm really not. If I were intelligent I would have been able to do better in school and with life in general. Instead I'm stuck and have no direction and no hope.

It is. If only it was a better place for people like us.