burden

May 27, 2014, 04:45 PM

I kind of had a brief break from my self destructive thoughts earlier this evening. It seemed like as soon as I noticed this I started thinking them again. Typical. My bf is trying to keep up with everything, all my appointments, how I'm feeling. Normally he kind of leaves me to it, trusts that things are going ok. This whole thing is really draining him, I can see it. I hate doing this to him. I feel like a horrible person putting him through this (because obviously I can choose this..) and I do genuinely feel like he would be better off without me. Without the stress of me. He could be in a normal relationship with someone who he doesn't need to worry about every time he leaves the house. He can't keep doing this. I can't keep doing this.

Where does this leave me? In the same place I have been the majority of each week for the last two months. In a dark suicidal place. Where I just want to somehow try and sort things out a little so that there wouldn't be so much of a mess left behind. But I also don't have the energy to do that. I can't even get on top of everything at work to make things easier because I'm working less hours atm anyway. I was trying to sort out the housework a little but I don't have the motivation for that either.

I am just contemplating constantly. What the right circumstances are, when the right time is, how to make sure I get it right.

I can't keep doing this...

ToeJam · May 27, 2014, 05:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by secretwhisper

I kind of had a brief break from my self destructive thoughts earlier this evening. It seemed like as soon as I noticed this I started thinking them again. Typical. My bf is trying to keep up with everything, all my appointments, how I'm feeling. Normally he kind of leaves me to it, trusts that things are going ok. This whole thing is really draining him, I can see it. I hate doing this to him. I feel like a horrible person putting him through this (because obviously I can choose this..) and I do genuinely feel like he would be better off without me. Without the stress of me. He could be in a normal relationship with someone who he doesn't need to worry about every time he leaves the house. He can't keep doing this. I can't keep doing this.

Where does this leave me? In the same place I have been the majority of each week for the last two months. In a dark suicidal place. Where I just want to somehow try and sort things out a little so that there wouldn't be so much of a mess left behind. But I also don't have the energy to do that. I can't even get on top of everything at work to make things easier because I'm working less hours atm anyway. I was trying to sort out the housework a little but I don't have the motivation for that either.

I am just contemplating constantly. What the right circumstances are, when the right time is, how to make sure I get it right.

I can't keep doing this...

I sure can relate to a lot of that... have picked up on similarities in what we say and feel on these boards.

RE: Your boyfriend, credit where it is due... he has stuck with you irrespective of this and that says a lot regarding both strength of character and his commitment to you.

Personally I've found that since I've started being totally honest with my wife... rather than trying to mask it, keep a brave face on (and the major slips that happened with that when the pressure cooker just started to blow), it has made things easier and in some ways has been reassuring for her... to know that I'm getting help and as well... am trying to help myself.

So, in that regards, just try to let it flow... if he wants to talk, to understand, to want to help... give him some rope to work with.

As for the worry of leaving the house... again be honest... if you need him, let him know... if you feel you will manage, then reassure him with that as well.

As for the break from destructive thoughts... and the thinking about it bring it back on... are there grounding activities for you to do? Or something you enjoy that will distract you again?

Sorry... really tired right now and about to go bed, so not my best reply but I hope it helps and just wanted to add I'm thinking of you.

Have a good sleep eventually night owl and yeah

May 27, 2014, 05:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ToeJam

I sure can relate to a lot of that... have picked up on similarities in what we say and feel on these boards.

RE: Your boyfriend, credit where it is due... he has stuck with you irrespective of this and that says a lot regarding both strength of character and his commitment to you.

Personally I've found that since I've started being totally honest with my wife... rather than trying to mask it, keep a brave face on (and the major slips that happened with that when the pressure cooker just started to blow), it has made things easier and in some ways has been reassuring for her... to know that I'm getting help and as well... am trying to help myself.

So, in that regards, just try to let it flow... if he wants to talk, to understand, to want to help... give him some rope to work with.

As for the worry of leaving the house... again be honest... if you need him, let him know... if you feel you will manage, then reassure him with that as well.

As for the break from destructive thoughts... and the thinking about it bring it back on... are there grounding activities for you to do? Or something you enjoy that will distract you again?

Sorry... really tired right now and about to go bed, so not my best reply but I hope it helps and just wanted to add I'm thinking of you.

Have a good sleep eventually night owl and yeah

It's hard being open because I've tried to keep it to myself all these years but I know it doesn't do me or him any favours by me keeping quiet. It's just a hard habit to break! I do try but I am pretty lousy at being honest!

He works nights too which is part of the problem. Four nights a week I'm home alone which is when it all goes wrong. I generally just tell him I'll be fine...even though I'm not sure I will be because he has to go to work. I can't ask him to stay home every night with me and not get paid, it just wouldn't work!

You know, I have no clue when it comes to grounding exercises. Keep hearing this term being thrown around but I don't know what it is, what it involves, nothing really. Maybe someone could explain this to me?

I will try not to stay up too late...!

I had rubbish sleep last night so I am kind of tired, just hope I sleep when I do try.

waterknob1234 · May 27, 2014, 07:44 PM

Secretwhisper, take care of yourself. I agree with ToeJam, You have a very good bf. He seems to care. I too have frequent suicidal thoughts. When the thoughts creep in I get angry with myself and argue with myself. I will tell myself I need to stay here for my children, my dog, etc. I guess it helps to find reasons to stay here. Know that I care about you and stay safe.

May 27, 2014, 08:57 PM

I've been having some real difficulties with anxiety over the past couple of days. I sort-of came unglued yesterday for a few minutes. My wife said: "Talk to me. Tell me what's wrong." I just said I can't. For one thing, where would I start? It's all such a tangled ball of wire! And so much of it is SO embarrassing!

I know I probably should talk with her. I know she worries about me. And I know she means well. But I just can't. And I feel guilty about not being able to. And feeling guilty makes me feel even worse than I do anyway. So then I start thinking that maybe she would just be better off without me. It's a vicious circle. I wish I knew the answer. I don't. I do think, though, that people who don't have serious mental health issues can't understand how difficult it is to share what's going on inside the heads of those of us who do.