[jesusplay]

I'm smiling, no psychical signs of depressed. I'm laughing, I appear normal.

Inside I feel heavy tears I hold back with every blink, Bad thoughts, I feel tired, everything seems so pointless, I could go on.

I'll smile in my next session, she'll write in her notes I'm doing much better.

or should I make my physical appearance a lie?

I see these mental health professionals as judges, they examine and cast judgement.

I am not psychotic, I am very aware of what is real.

[shortandcute]

lots of hugs to you

Originally Posted by jesusplay

I'm smiling, no psychical signs of depressed. I'm laughing, I appear normal.

Inside I feel heavy tears I hold back with every blink, Bad thoughts, I feel tired, everything seems so pointless, I could go on.

I'll smile in my next session, she'll write in her notes I'm doing much better.

or should I make my physical appearance a lie?

I see these mental health professionals as judges, they examine and cast judgement.

I am not psychotic, I am very aware of what is real.

Hello Jesusplay: You expressed well something I have sometimes felt. I no longer have a therapist. I do have a pdoc. But with both, when I've had them, no matter how awful I felt inside, once I got into my session with either of them, even if I wanted to demonstrate how awful I felt, I just couldn't. Something inside of me just wouldn't allow it. So, when they'd ask me how I'm doing I'd smile & say: "okay I guess".

[Mustkeepjob32]

Yeah I hear you on that. At least one psychiatrist and some therapists were a waste because while I was dying inside I told them I was fine. Why on Earth did I allow my parents to pay for this help and then me not being totally honest? I now am totally honest but unfortunately due to money issues, I hardly ever go to my pdoc.

some are "judges". Some actually care.

I hope you find the good kind soon.

[blackmagic]

I understand this sentiment: I am tired of wearing my mask, that fake smile. Every day is another act, but even with my therapist, I feel like I shouldn't drop it. It's sad but the mask is a part of who I am, and a defense mechanism to keep me from opening up to the wrong people.

[Frankbtl]

Hi jesusplay, I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, and it must be really tough on you to keep it all inside (even if it is almost an involuntary/spontaneous/chosen thing at times now??) when they're supposed to be there to offer you the help/support you need.
But that's just it they should be there to offer you the help/support you need. So if you're feeling they're judging you, then perhaps try spelling that out to them e.g that you feel that they aren't listening/understanding or misinterpreting when you've telling them..........you feel that they only want to address any difficulties by...........you don't think that they care about.................whatever you're feeling.
And then if they're not realising how they're coming across to you, if they're misinterpreting things, if there are things going on they've been oblivious to and if they really do want to help you in the best way possible then they should be thinking about how to step it up a level, and allow you to feel that they really are interested/not so much judging you and work with you.
You're there for their help, don't let the opportunity slip by, they need to help you, they need to know that. The sooner you can start getting some real help, the sooner you can start beating this (which I know won't be over night), won't be a moment too soon right?
Alison

P.S. You do know you've got support here as well, right?? So if you're finding it hard, you're finding it difficult to tell anyone anything, we're right here.