[Friskenipper]

Hello there,

So I am 18 and still living at home with my parents so I can save money while going to university. I have recently been diagnosed with a major depressive disorder after coming home from five months traveling through southeast asia alone.
Anyways, coming home has been a huge adjustment for everyone. I had been feeling depressed for at least a year before traveling without realizing what it was. I thought I was just lacking self confidence and experience in life, and going out in the world was going to fix that. When I realized what it was I was in Vietnam, and of course did not tell my parents that I was depressed until four and a half months later. This is also not the first time I have been depressed, as I am now aware.
I am having a lot of difficulty communicating with my parents. I am terrible at speaking about my feelings and it usually ends in us having a giant row and me wheezing on the floor in a panic attack. My parents are not a part of the cause of my depression, I have a loving, close family. I have never been abused or neglected. Most of my issues involve my own self hatred and feelings of worthlessness that are not alleviated by my family's support. It is not their fault. So with all of this comes a sense of guilt which perpetuates me into darker areas than I ever was when I was alone on the other side of the planet in a foreign country. I am finding it increasingly toxic to be around my family, mostly because I am unable to control my irritability and my mood swings. I have counselor and I am currently on antidepressants, so I am reasonably stable, but I still can't suppress urges to self harm, especially when I get into a misunderstanding with my parents. My selfishness is tearing at my family's typical stability.
I have two younger brothers, making my household a very busy place. My parents both work full time, but my mother works out of the house so she is always here. I have a hard time understanding how my parents are reacting to this. I can understand they are angry, that I have lied to them, and me telling them that I did it to maintain a sense of control and not worry them only gets me a weird look and being told off for being so melodramatic. They also seem confused as to how I can't mentally push myself into action and seem to think that chores and mindless housework will equal more happiness. I know some things can help, if you are feeling okay, and so on good days I do a lot of housework until I am exhausted. But you know those days where you don't even eat because getting out of bed is not really going to happen? I can't help but feel they are judging me and that I am letting them down, that I am being incredibly lazy and stubborn because I can't even fold a load of laundry. This causes me to question decision to let them in on what is going on, and also wether or not I am actually lazy and don't actually have an illness but am just fundamentally useless as a person. It makes me think that there is something wrong with me that I can cause so much distress to my family and not care enough to pick myself up and fix myself, for their sake.
My other cries and worries, but I know she is also angry because of how incredibly difficult I am to deal with. I thought telling my parents was a healthy step towards recovery, but I haven't felt this alone in a really long time.
Another topic is university. I have a brilliant scholarship for my school, so it costs almost nothing for me to go. I used to be sure I wanted to go into mechanical engineering or Astrophysics, which of course was really pleasing to my parents. Now I have lost all interest in every kind of school subject and thinking about what I want to do is a huge source of anxiety for me. But I WANT to go to school. I know it is not an option for me not to. It is just that I want to be excited for it, but all my parents see is my negativity and my anxiety about not knowing what to take or what I want or whether I can handle the subject I would typically be taking, like calculus and physics, right now. They tell me not to be so negative about everything, and that I need to look at the upside and realize how lucky I have it that I have a wonderful scholarship and the brains to go to school. And I know they are right. And that is the biggest problem. I know they are right and yet I can't do what they want. I've tried! of course I have tried. I don't want to be unhappy and apathetic about my future or my schooling, and I've tried every mental trick I could devise or find to change my way of thinking, but when it fails after a few hours, or even a few days, I'm devastated.

I can't help but feel I am tearing my family apart and scaring the crap out of my younger brothers and parents. I know perfectly well how selfish I am being and how disrespectful I seem. I know I hurt them a lot, that they can't really understand it. I know they have their own lives going on, my brothers problems and costs and everything.
But I lied to them for a really really long time, I hid how I felt so long I don't remember being happy, or who I really am or anything. I did that all so this would not happen, until I could not do it anymore. And now I need help from them. I don't really understand what I need them to do, maybe nothing but just them knowing would be okay. And not judging me. But I am feeling extremely trapped, and I feel like it is reversing any mental progress I have made for myself.

So I guess I'm asking whether or not I am a bad person? Am I just being selfish and caught up in my own depression, and should I put my family before myself like I was doing? I could start pretending to make really good progress and say I am feeling all fine again. If that makes it easier for everyone then I will do that.
I don't want to be the awful oldest daughter who just messes up her life and is lazy and sad all the time. But that IS who I am right now, and I haven't started feeling otherwise yet, so what should I do for now? Move out? I don't know if I could handle working all the time and going to school and dealing with this. Lie again? I could do that if it means that everything goes back to normal except me. I could keep going to counseling secretly.

Sorry for how long this is, it is my first post and I just need some advice or criticism or something, because as you probably know depression distorts your reality of situations.

[Travelinglady]

Hello, Friskenipper, and welcome to Psych Central! We have many folks at Psych Central who find that their family just does not understand their disorder. If you read in this forum, then you might even find some folks here.

But we understand and are here. Have you talked to your counselor about what is happening at home and how things there are making you worse?

No, you are not being a selfish daughter. You sound like you are doing the best you can. Depression causes us to become less interested in things, and, as you say, sometimes not even able to get out of bed.

Would you be willing for your parents, you, and your counselor to have a session together if your counselor and your parents are willing? Maybe the counselor can explain more about what depression is like and how to help someone who is depressed--and not help them.

[Altered Moment]

I am 50 years old, have worked my whole life, but recently the depression got so bad I was forced financially to move home with my parents. They had never really seen my depression as I was 2500 miles away since I was 19. It was very difficult to see there son in bed all day and suicidal. I am very fortunate that they already had some understanding as my mother has worked in the mental health field her whole life. They educated themselves in how best to help me and have been very supportive. My two brothers and sister it is different. They don't seem to understand it and totally avoid the topic which hurts me.

To get to how this may apply to you.....I realized at a certain point I was relying way to much on my parents support. I could see the anguish in my Mothers eyes when I shared what was really going on with me. I needed them but I realized I could not burden them anymore with every detail of what is going on with me. Now I just stick to the normal topics and don't get into my anxiety and depression. I had a good support network in CA but I moved back to Michigan so I figured I needed to build a new support network outside of my family. A big part of that is professional help. A big part of it has been this forum that I discovered at the same time I realized I could not longer burden my parents so much. I got clean and sober 19 years ago and discovered that the only people who truly understood me was other recovering alcoholics. The same applies to my depression and anxiety. the only people who can really understand are those who have gone through and are going through the same thing. So I would suggest finding people who also suffer. Group therapy, friends, local support groups, where ever you can find them. It is a scary proposition because you have to take the risk of revealing your problems to others. You may be surprised. I one day told the girl who cuts my hair that I suffered from depression and she said she did too. So when I get my hair cut and she ask me what is going on in my life I don't feel judged. One tiny piece of a support network. A couple of other friends I chat with all the time on facebook. One piece at a time i am rebuilding my support network outside of my family.

Let your family be there for you as much as they are capable of being but get all the possible support you can outside of them. You blamed yourself for a lot of things. If you have clinical depression it is not your fault. As young as you are and if you did not have family trauma and abuse it is almost assuredly genetic and biological. Not your fault. Feelings of self loathing and self hate are symptoms. Irritability and agitation are also symptoms. Maybe lower your expectations on your family and rely on us here and others who understand.

I hope and pray that your treatment and support is successful enough that you are able to pursue your career in college with success. I dropped out of college because of drugs alcohol and depression. I wanted to be a biochemist and had the brains to do it. I had no idea at the time I had depression. No one had a clue back then. You are already being treated and with the right support you can do it.