[AllyIsHopeful]

I would give anything to feel human again. Happiness feels so impossible now that I'm diving toward rock bottom. I want to feel normal. I have forgotten how being happy feels, it is now a foreign emotion. I'm not even sure what "normal" means anymore. Is it honestly an umbrella term?
Normal for many people is motivation, ambition, happy with a pretty good mix of ups and downs. For others, it means having fun, living life, interacting with others an surrounded by friends and family.

My normal is wondering how I will survive each day as a new one arrives. It is trying to see my most important family (2-4 people, really) and my partner who tries so hard to help me and is very supportive, but he's exhausted. My normal also consists of more days locking myself in my room than not. When I cannot hold the facade any longer I run somewhere private and burst into tears. My new normal has SH impulses I've acted on twice already, for the first time in a year. I can feel more coming on. My normal is a list if 13 prescription meds that make my brain feel like hell and side effects are debilitating. My normal is wondering when it's going to actually happen- what will be *the thing* that takes me too far beyond return. What do I do then? I'm scared. There's a sniper who has her eye on me 24:7 and her name is Ally.

I am going to say, with utmost conviction, I would willingly give up my arms or legs, gosh maybe one of each if someone gave me the ultimatum of losing a limb or being depressed. In a heartbeat.
Actually I would give up almost anything. It has gotten that bad and my hope had been lowered to that level. I wish this were the case.

Sick of being the walking dead. I long to just never wake up to stop this anguish permanently.

[glok]

Hello, AllyIsHopeful. Have you told your treatment team what they are doing is not working?

[Rohag]

That's a lot of meds and a lot of anguish. In another post you expressed concern about the potential of doing something dangerous if you enter an irrational or detached state. Please don't let things go too far; follow Glok's advice - inform your caregivers.

Hi Ally, I can totally identify. I would give almost anything to not be depressed. Each day is a tremendous struggle for me, as I've been dealing with this bipolar depressive episode since last August! Just know that you're not alone in your suffering. If that's any consolation for you, I'm not sure. Let's hang in there together!

[gayleggg]

Ally, I understand where you are coming from. Been there many times. The best thing you can do is contact your doctor. Don't give up. Change can be right around the corner. Hold on. Best wishes.

I feel so bad for what you are going through, especially also the clinophobia. My heart is with you .

New Gal,

I've been where you are since November. You are not alone. I would just like to comfort you. I have 2 teenage boy's who are home all summer. I love them so it fuels my depression knowing they see me suffer.....again. I really "get" about the exhausting your husband thing. The thing that keeps me going now knowing others' have hope for me, including my mental health providers. Know that others' here been in our shoes and survived. The pain feels unbearable and there are others' who can alleviate it. Your life has meaning even if you don't feel it now.

Hugs

[AllyIsHopeful]

Originally Posted by glok

Hello, AllyIsHopeful. Have you told your treatment team what they are doing is not working?

Yes, my psychiatrist seems to increase one of my meds whenever I mention I feel terrible. What he doesn't understand is the depression is due to side effects and feeling like a zombie and so foggy everyday. I'm even having narcoleptic symptoms. those are scary...
My therapist witnesses and agrees that my meds changed me and are noticeably affecting me in a negative way. She wants me to call and leave a message or ask for a sooner appt than 7 weeks from now but I already know how he works involving these situations. It's frustrating.
I'm seeing a short term EMDR therapist as well. She's a neuropsychologist and thinks it is not currently necessary for me to be on any medications, and that I should first use intensive therapy to address the real issues due to PTSD and current situational strains. I'm at a loss with what to do. I have had such terrible and one traumatizing experience with psychiatrists and this is the first one who had stuck with me, never shows frustration, does not rapidly change me from one med to another, and knows/understands all of the meds I cannot tolerate.

[AllyIsHopeful]

Originally Posted by sunnyfan

New Gal,


I've been where you are since November. You are not alone. I would just like to comfort you. I have 2 teenage boy's who are home all summer. I love them so it fuels my depression knowing they see me suffer.....again. I really "get" about the exhausting your husband thing. The thing that keeps me going now knowing others' have hope for me, including my mental health providers. Know that others' here been in our shoes and survived. The pain feels unbearable and there are others' who can alleviate it. Your life has meaning even if you don't feel it now.



Hugs

Hi, I recall seeing your response to my OP and wanted to reply to everyone but haven't been doing well so I haven't been online much. I'm also struggling with isolation issues and not wanting or having the energy to talk to anyone.
I'm sorry if you took the post down due to my lack of acknowledgement. I didn't intend on ignoring anyone and your response was very much appreciated and comforting.

[AllyIsHopeful]

Originally Posted by newgal2

Hi Ally, I can totally identify. I would give almost anything to not be depressed. Each day is a tremendous struggle for me, as I've been dealing with this bipolar depressive episode since last August! Just know that you're not alone in your suffering. If that's any consolation for you, I'm not sure. Let's hang in there together!

I really appreciate this response and it makes me feel far less alone. I hate that anyone else has to go through this because it is so miserable. So in a sense, I feel bad reading your struggle with the depressive episode- it had lasted quite some time now and I commend you for hanging in there.
Thank you for the support.

Originally Posted by gayleggg

Ally, I understand where you are coming from. Been there many times. The best thing you can do is contact your doctor. Don't give up. Change can be right around the corner. Hold on. Best wishes.

This made me feel a lot more positive. Even if it's temporary at least I feel some hope again for now. Sometimes I need to be reminded there is a future and each day is a new start. I will be more open with communication with my whole mental health care team. Thank you for the support, I really need it right now and my support system is very small.

[Blitter2014]

I hope you can find some peace of mind and calmness of heart. Remember hope begins with remembering to breathe. tomorrow is another day. And if thats ever too far away contact your support team or Post or even PM anyone here. I know we would all only be too happy to help.



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[AllyIsHopeful]

Originally Posted by Blitter2014

I hope you can find some peace of mind and calmness of heart. Remember hope begins with remembering to breathe. tomorrow is another day. And if thats ever too far away contact your support team or Post or even PM anyone here. I know we would all only be too happy to help.

This post made me teary...but they were good tears. I hope all of those things for myself too and it is always nice to hear others wish me well on this nightmare-of-a-journey.
"If tomorrow is too far away" is what really got me. I would love to learn to think of it like that instead of "I wish tomorrow wouldn't come" or not wanting to wake up. Thank you for letting me know I have the option to PM others here because I usually view it as intrusive or bothersome assuming others will want to help or listen to my problems. Major issues around reaching out for help.
I'm always nervous to post new threads but I am going to make an effort to start posting again.
Thank you for your response.