[kittyfaye]

I don't know where else to put this, i keep clicking on different forums and deciding that it's not the right one. I don't know where this falls. I just put it here since I do have depression. My thoughts are scattered all over the place. I can't think straight right now and it's taking me forever just to write this one paragraph.

I've had pretty bad anxiety lately for some reason. I'm not sure if it's the meds or my situation, or whatever. I have been trying to find a job for almost three months now and haven't heard anything from anybody. I think nobody likes me, there must be somebody giving me a bad reference. I stay at home all day by myself while my boyfriend goes to work like 50 hours a week for only $8/hr. I have to get him to help me pay my bills even though I don't want him to have to. We're living in his parents' house right now because we're trying to clean up the old house next door so we can move in it. His parents' house is cluttered because his mom likes to get multiples of stuff for whatever reason, and his grandparents' stuff is in here too for the most part. They passed away like four or five years ago I think. And his parents are in their sixties. ( His mom had him in her forties). The clutter is stressing me out, I have nowhere to put my stuff, I have all my stuff in boxes in a spare bedroom for the last three months. My boyfriend has his bedroom to put his stuff and it stays messy because he has no storage room either. I really really need somewhere clean and neat to live, I've lost it several times because I can't stand it. My mom has been stressing me out too because she's been an asshole to me and hates my boyfriend even though he hasn't done anything to make her hate him.

I want to lost weight so bad but I don't have any means to exercise right now and I just feel like a fat lazy slob. I'm so self conscious and none of my clothes fit except a few shirts and one pair of pants.

I've also been very angry and irritable for a while now and apparently I've been very moody. I've been feeling weird lately, I'm not sure what it is or why. I thought I was going crazy because I keep hearing people talking but I know it isn't anyone here because during the day no one is here. Yesterday morning I thought I heard a woman's voice say something, I don't remember what it was but I know it was in my head.

I've been physically hurting too, like my whole body is sore. I keep waking up with cricks in my neck. I feel like I'm falling apart.

Last night my boyfriend and I were goofing around and he was playing with me sexually. I didn't want to do anything because I was hurting but I gave in anyway. It turned into rollplaying a rape and he got a little rough with me and I got upset and started crying. I've never been raped before or anything like that. I don't know why I cried.

I'm such a wreck. I've been dx with depression and social anxiety but I think there's more to it than that. I have just been acting really weird and angry and moody lately. Does anybody have any idea what the hell is going on with me? I pologize for the lack of organization of my thoughts. I just need some direction and help. :'(

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by kittyfaye

The clutter is stressing me out...I really really need somewhere clean and neat to live

Agreed! Living someplace clean and uncluttered by itself could have the effect of an antianxiety medication.

Originally Posted by kittyfaye

I've been dx with depression and social anxiety but I think there's more to it than that.

Do you have access to a doctor to whom you could relate all the various symptoms you have? A full medical examination might be valuable.

May your days in the clutter be few.

Just for reference: 2-1-1 (United Way/AIRS)

[shabur]

What you describe sounds like what I went through before I was diagnosed. I couldn't think, I couldn't focus, I couldn't sleep or eat and my body hurt. I first went to an urgent care because I hadn't slept in 3 weeks and thought I was just stressed.

After that visit I went to see a psychologist. I told her everything that was going on and she diagnosed me with major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder. I went on medications that my PCP prescribed and managed, but I didn't improved.

I eventually had to take a leave of absence from work and later stopped working altogether. Fortunately, I was financially able to support myself.

After several years of ineffective medications I found my current psychiatrist, who has been such a big help, and was able to get me on social security disability. I did find a simple part-time job working 12 hours a week, which is about all I can handle. But even in the beginning I struggled and was "talked to." My psychiatrist put me on Adderall to help with my focus.

She has also been able to get me on an effective cocktail of meds and I now realize the aches and pains I was experiencing were from both my depression as well as the adrenalin that was going off from my anxiety.

Are you seeing a therapist? Can your therapist get you qualified for SSDI? There are attorneys that can help you with SSDI as well.

Hello again Kittyfaye: I just replied to another of your posts & then I found this one. You have SO many things going on &, it sounds like, no one really to help you. (By the way, from my perspective, the rape-play thing was really inappropriate, especially if you weren't a willing participant. You have every right to feel violated... you were.)

Do you have a therapist? You need someone to talk with about all of the different aspects of your situation. It might also be beneficial if there were a women's support group in your area you could attend. The bottom line here from my perspective is you can't continue to live the way you're living, with all of the problems you're experiencing, & do it alone. No one could. It's not just you.

You also mentioned hearing voices as I recall, & waking up stiff in the morning. I would think these would be concerns that it would be worth taking up with a physician: a general practitioner and / or a psychiatrist. If, as I recall, you lack medical insurance, perhaps there is a clinic that sees patients either free-of-charge or on a sliding-fee scale.

The other thing is to just simply keep posting here on PC. If nothing else, writing about your struggles can help; and other PC'ers can continue to offer support and suggestions.

[kittyfaye]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Do you have access to a doctor to whom you could relate all the various symptoms you have? A full medical examination might be valuable.

There is a free clinic down the road from and I have to go there tomorrow anyway for a follow up from a med change.

Originally Posted by shabur

Are you seeing a therapist? Can your therapist get you qualified for SSDI? There are attorneys that can help you with SSDI as well.

I was seeing a therapist but I quit her because she said some stuff I didn't agree with like that I hadn't progressed very much with only like five or six sessions. I was like, what the hell? okkkk... I already get disability through the military, I don't know if that would affect getting SSDI? I don't know how that works.

Originally Posted by The Skeezyks

Hello again Kittyfaye: I just replied to another of your posts & then I found this one. You have SO many things going on &, it sounds like, no one really to help you. (By the way, from my perspective, the rape-play thing was really inappropriate, especially if you weren't a willing participant. You have every right to feel violated... you were.)

Do you have a therapist? You need someone to talk with about all of the different aspects of your situation. It might also be beneficial if there were a women's support group in your area you could attend. The bottom line here from my perspective is you can't continue to live the way you're living, with all of the problems you're experiencing, & do it alone. No one could. It's not just you.

You also mentioned hearing voices as I recall, & waking up stiff in the morning. I would think these would be concerns that it would be worth taking up with a physician: a general practitioner and / or a psychiatrist. If, as I recall, you lack medical insurance, perhaps there is a clinic that sees patients either free-of-charge or on a sliding-fee scale.

The other thing is to just simply keep posting here on PC. If nothing else, writing about your struggles can help; and other PC'ers can continue to offer support and suggestions.

I do have a lot going on I think. I don't have a therapist currently, and I've searched on NAMI and other sites but I could not find any support groups near where I live.
I don't really think I was violated with the rape thing, he was just playing and didn't mean to hurt me. I could see he was upset when I started crying. I guess it's just something I gotta figure out.
The hearing voices thing, I'm not even sure where that came from. I've never had any psychotic episodes or anything like that.

Thank you guys