[Malzan]

I've dealt with depressive episodes over half my life (I'm 37), both with and without medication. Now that I have two young children to care for (ages 5 and 2) I have more pressure to keep functioning well at some level. Recently I began to "lose it"- I was crying, getting angry, threw things, could hardly keep things going at home. I spoke with my doc and agreed to up the dose of the SSRI I take. It has been four weeks now on the increased dose. I feel I am functioning better, at least part of the day. But my mood is still sad, and I am still very pessimistic. I am avoiding most people because I can hardly hold a conversation without being negative. Worst for me is I still have thoughts of self harm and suicide, which are random and unpredictable, and dream almost every night about these topics. This makes me feel very guilty because I don't talk to my husband about these things. He only sees the half functioning me in the evening. Luckily my children are in nursery school everyday so I have a break in the mornings. Does anyone else understand about this half-functioning and how it feels when the people around you think your "fine" because you're not crying all the time?

[glok]

Welcome to the Community, Malzan. If you have not shared this information with your treatment team, please do as soon as you can. The team may be able to make adjustments and implement other changes they deem is indicated.

[Fuzzybear]

[Pierro]

I know exactly how you feel because it could have been written by me, (not so long ago), Its very hard to "hold it" together while you are dealing with your own problems as well as two young children. I have 3 children which are a little older than yours and I don't have to tell you how hard it is. There were times where I went to my gp and I couldn't speak to him. He must have thought I was really gone. Slowly over time it will get better, taking time for yourself is very important WITHOUT the children, believe me. If it is only taking a walk or having a bubble bath. I know that you love your kids very much and you want to be "well" for them. The thoughts of self harm do pass, just ride them out. My family only took my depression seriously when I ended up in hospital. Do things at your pace. I remember a psych telling me if you cry all day, don't beat yourself up about it. Just say to yourself I cant help the way I am feeling at the moment and I hope tomorrow will be a better day. You can PM me anytime.

Best wishes

[cherrykix]

Like said above, I think you could benefit from sharing this post with your treatment team. Have you ever thought about asking about mood stabilizers? I have major depressive disorder and have found that ssri s only solve a bit of the problem. I am not a doctor; please ask your treatment team for what they think is best! I am not able to diagnose you, or prescribe you medication. But definitely talk to them about what is going on.

Wishing you well!

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