Forever depressed...

Hi, I'm a 24 y/o male, I've been struggling with depression all my life. I think I'm repeating myself, but I recently have found my girlfriend and she's everything I ever wanted (I've been with her for about 4 months), but somehow I'm still depressed. I tried so many different meds that I have decided they just aren't working for me no matter what. If anything I get more suicidal thoughts when I'm on meds, which I especially don't want because my girlfriend is worried about that. I have been told I have "treatment resistant" depression, and have been told I should do ECT. I never really looked into ECT, but I know a little about it. I'm afraid to do that, though. I have tried many different therapists and groups, and I've been hospitalized before, and I had to lie to get out of the hospital because I won't stop being depressed or having some kind of suicidal thoughts. I do hate my job, but there is no way that I could get another job. I don't have any education or anything.

It makes me really sad because I want to be everything that my girlfriend could ask for and more, and for example, when she wants to act silly with me, like just making a funny face or something, I can't do it because I am just not ever in that mood. I feel like I'm dead, like I can't show any emotion or expressions. It sucks. Sometimes I wish I was dead or that I was never born in the first place. I think the world would do just fine without me. I do wish I was not a part of this ****** place quite often.