Forever depressed...

Hi, I'm a 24 y/o male, I've been struggling with depression all my life. I think I'm repeating myself, but I recently have found my girlfriend and she's everything I ever wanted (I've been with her for about 4 months), but somehow I'm still depressed. I tried so many different meds that I have decided they just aren't working for me no matter what. If anything I get more suicidal thoughts when I'm on meds, which I especially don't want because my girlfriend is worried about that. I have been told I have "treatment resistant" depression, and have been told I should do ECT. I never really looked into ECT, but I know a little about it. I'm afraid to do that, though. I have tried many different therapists and groups, and I've been hospitalized before, and I had to lie to get out of the hospital because I won't stop being depressed or having some kind of suicidal thoughts. I do hate my job, but there is no way that I could get another job. I don't have any education or anything.

It makes me really sad because I want to be everything that my girlfriend could ask for and more, and for example, when she wants to act silly with me, like just making a funny face or something, I can't do it because I am just not ever in that mood. I feel like I'm dead, like I can't show any emotion or expressions. It sucks. Sometimes I wish I was dead or that I was never born in the first place. I think the world would do just fine without me. I do wish I was not a part of this ****** place quite often.

Hello, Sadley. You want to be everything your girlfriend could ask for and more? How does that sentiment mesh with the quote?

If your girlfriend means that much to you, do not hurt her. Make a commitment to get better or let her go.

Here's a recent thread on ECT with links to earlier PC discussions. How well can you talk with your girlfriend about depression subjects?

Yes, but I don't know how to get better. I've been in therapy for almost 3 years. I don't know what I have to do.

I can talk to her about anything, but she doesn't really understand depression that well.

I've got that same situation with my wife; she listens, but just doesn't get what the depths of this depression can do to a person. I hope that things get better for you.

Those people that I do tell to, that I have depression, they say to me "What are you depressed about?
It just isn't like that for me. You wake up depressed.
I know they just don't know the depth of it unless they experience it themselves.
I know you want to make your girl happy, but I think if she loves you enough, she will stick with you in sickness & in health.

People do not get it, they do not get it at all. Including some people that had depression (maybe a mild depression) in the past do not get it. And people ( and I think all of us ) have a hard time embracing processes, reactions, behaviors, belief systems, etc that are different from what they regularly think, do, or expect. It is hard for people to listen, they are prone to give recommendations, uninformed opinions, they even get mad if you do not do what they told you to do. People tend to be bossy or paternalistic particularly towards people with disabilities or mental health issues. They are often judgemental, I am talking here about good people even.
People would not regularly speak about stuff like Quantum Physics if they do not know about it, but would tell the dumbest things to somebody with depression or in a wheelchair. Sometimes even doctors and nurses can be really stupid.
But, anyway, it is so good to have somebody that loves you, although she may not get depression yet

NOBODY understands depression well - except those of us who have it. But the fact she is supportive is a huge plus.

IMO - If I were in your shoes - I would proceed with ECT. Clearly you are struggling badly and the meds are not working. I know it has helped some and I admit it has had little effect on some people too. But it is worth the shot.

You have a reason to try. You deserve happiness and she deserves a chance of normalcy too.

Thanks for the reply. I will mention it to my girlfriend.