Just letting it out

I find it very difficult to express my feelings to anyone. People just don't understand what it is like to live with bipolar disorder. Depression is not a "choice" I make, nor is it something that is easily fixed. Unfortunately, depression is more like a cold - you just have to let it run it's course. All of the motivational quotes in the world are not going to inspire me while I'm depressed.

There are a lot of issues that I'm having and I would like to just let them out. I'm not looking for any answers. There simply are no answers. I don't even really expect that anyone will read through all of this.

First of all, I have been feeling really abandoned. I don't have a lot of people who are close to me. Over the past few years, my mother, father, and my sister have all moved across the country. All I have left is my husband. He is very close to his family and really doesn't understand what I'm going through. I haven't been extremely close to my family, but they were still all I had. I felt especially hurt when my dad left. Now he wants me to come move down there too and I just don't think I can uproot as much as I want to.

Issue number 2 (the weirdest issue of all ) is that I am obsessed with a guy whom I will call Man 2. Man 2 is someone that I met during a class that I took. We were partners in a project we were working on and we became close friends for a while. I admit it, I loved the attention and I had a crush on him. Since I'm married, that crush wasn't going to go anywhere, but honestly I think it was mutual.

Anyhow, Man 2 moved (oddly to the same place my family moved to) and I haven't really heard from him except once last year. Honestly I forgot about him for a while and now all the sudden I can't stop thinking about him. Trying to settle the obsession I emailed him once just to say hi and he never returned the email (not unusual for him). He's not the world's best communicator.

It's weird because it's like I've made an invisible friend version of Man 2. To be clear, it is not a delusion, I don't believe he's actually there, it is more like rehearsing conversations with him. I really miss him. I wish I had a way to express that without seeming really creepy (it has been nearly a year since he spoke to me last).

Though I've never met her, I happened to know Man 2's sister's name and so I looked her up on Instagram out of curiosity. Man 2 doesn't have any social media accounts because he finds it depressing. His sister actually did have an account and I reached out and said hi and told her that her daughter is super cute. She never responded - just blocked me. Truthfully, it may be nothing personal because Man 2 likely never mentioned me to her and she just felt I was a stranger. I don't know. It really hurt though. You would think that I wouldn't be all that sensitive to things like that since my business is in social media. People follow and unfollow my accounts all the time, that is just the way the social media world works.

On to other issues.... I don't feel like I'm capable of hitting any of my goals. I just don't have any will power. My husband is not very helpful with my goals. He always agrees with the goals and helps me make the plans, but never lifts a finger to carry them out with me. Most of these goals are for him too! For example, he is diabetic and I have really wanted to loose weight, so we made a plan to cut fried foods and most carbs from our diet. The first thing he did was go and get a pizza and chips (which was way off of our plan). Even though our diet hasn't changed one bit, he still tells the doctor that we're making tremendous progress (and he really believes we are).

My husband is not the only problem I can't get things done. I'm the bigger problem. I should be able to just set goals and hit them with or without his help. Plenty of other women do it. I just don't seem to have the ability to keep up with other women.

Hi Oiseau,
Hello and welcome to PC!
You are capable of meeting your goals without your husband. Never let another person, stop you from doing what you want. Make a list and start on those goals, one step at a time. Right know, you need to do what's best for you!
I've had people in my life who would tell me "you'll never be able to accomplish that". For me, I take that as a challenge and show them I can do anything I set my mind to.
The results have been amazing, all because I worked very hard at it and I know you can do this too. Sure, I stumbled and fell along the way, but I never gave up on my dreams.
Stop waiting for your husband to help you, start doing things now and be the person you want to be!

Thank you Jolisse and Fuzzybear.