not sure what the next step is

Depression used to be a much bigger problem than it has been these past few years. Every day, all day, used to be pain. Now, for the most part, I'm a pretty happy and positive person.

Still, every once in awhile, it comes back and lasts for weeks on end... sometimes more. The things I say to myself about myself are cruel and awful and unfair at these times, and try as I might to correct myself at times like these it's... it's just a struggle.

Right now I'm having a mix of good and bad days, which is an upgrade from a few weeks in total depression hell...

So, my question: since I can't afford psychotherapy I'm probably going to end up at one of the many happy-pill pushing doctors in the area. I'm worried though, because I'd end up medicating my bad moods with pills whenever they come up, rather than on a regular basis as a kind of preventative. Isn't that inherently dangerous? Doesn't that establish some really bad instincts for how to deal with my problems?

You might not be able to afford a psychotherapist, I know you'd either have to have insurance to cover or pay for it yourself. But I live in Canada too, and I know there are free services, community mental health, that I have to use too. That would be a start. What I have for therapy is a psychiatric nurse, she at least is someone to talk to once a week. Why not start with that? There also are usually many services for counseling that are based on a sliding scale. Ask your family doctor to refer you to a free mental health clinic. Best wishes.