[DSM-3.1415926]

Hey, all:

Tonight I'm in brooding mooding over whatever twisted the concepts of depression and morality together in that dank and musty cavern I have where a contented mind should be.

The last time I spoke of the kind of loser I felt like, I offended some people, so I'm not going to rehash that here. Suffice it to say that there's a severe moralistic component to my depression -- that my being so unhappy is somehow a sign that justice is being done, and that if I'd played all my cards right in life, I wouldn't deserve to be this sad.

I know, I know -- depression is a medical illness, I wouldn't feel moral qualms about taking insulin for diabetes so why should I be ashamed of AD's, yadda yadda yadda. If psych drugs lived up to their hype ...



... that would be one thing. But the meds I take (nefazodone and aripiprazole daily, plus alprazolam PRN) do no more than take the worst edge off and raise me to functioning level, so I'm not sure my case is purely medical.

Does anyone else here feel a severe moral/justice component to their depression? If so, how do you deal with it? Are any forms of psychotherapy helpful?

Thanks -- DSM-3.1415926

[glok]

Hello, DSM-3.1415926. Please talk to your treatment team about this. Your concerns are complex. I, for one, am unqualified to address them.

I wish you well.

[dandylin]

I think to some extent, we need to. Sometimes that's a motivator but more often than that, it's a impediment to our progress. I wish you luck with this as I struggle with it myself

[Rohag]

The moralistic aspect of my depression is different from yours. I struggle justifying my existence now that mental illness has incapacitated me.

In your case, can you point to elements of your upbringing, of your enculturation that may be sources of these feelings? Does being from "Cowtown Central" have anything to do with it?

[DSM-3.1415926]

Originally Posted by Rohag

The moralistic aspect of my depression is different from yours. I struggle justifying my existence now that mental illness has incapacitated me.

Originally Posted by Rohag

Does being from "Cowtown Central" have anything to do with it?

Not my current Cowtown Central, which has more to do with finding a decent therapist. But both parents were of stock from a midwestern Hick Hub of the Universe, and practiced all the expected greatest-generation virtues. I haven't survived a Great Depression; I haven't fought in and won a world war; I've never owned a house or a brand-new car free and clear; I haven't put two kids through college on a single middle-class income; and I certainly didn't survive a disease I was was told would keep me wheelchair-bound from childhood on, then not only walk, but run a perfect house in spite of it. As a character in Garrison Keillor's Lake Wobegon Days addresses his parents' raising of him in my home state:

You instilled in me a paralyzing nostalgia for a time before I was born, a time when men were men and women were saintly, and children were obedient, industrious, asked no luxuries, entertained themselves, and knew right from wrong. I, on the other hand, was a symptom of everything going to hell in a handbasket. I was left to wonder why I had bothered to be born.

They were as gods to me, and ran the house with that kind of iron discipline, setting me up for abysmal self-esteem before teachers, bosses, and especially Ayn Rand and her characters in Atlas Shrugged. There was no way I could EVER measure up to them. Then, through it all, they wondered why I wasn't happy and were obsessed with getting me to act that way. Only odd thing is, they weren't religious.

ETA: I guess the summary is that I somehow picked up the notion that I can never truly deserve to be happy. In fact, I regularly flame myself with reminders like these to keep myself in line, fearing that I am, in fact, as bad as implied:

(1) "YOU'RE NOT HERE TO BE HAPPY; YOU'RE HERE TO BE GOOD! VIRTUE HURTS! YOU AIN'T CRYIN', YOU AIN'T TRYIN'!"

(2) Cue childhood music in minor key:

"If you're happy and you know it, something's wrong!
If you're happy and you know it, something's wrong!
If you're happy and you know it,
Well, then, morally you blow it!
If you're happy and you know it, something's wrong!"

(Mods: Sorry if this is triggering; please feel free to add icon if need be. Thanks.)

[DSM-3.1415926]

Bumped -- sorry. This has me truly worried, especially since my life is now on a somewhat even keel, yet I'm nonetheless escalating my self-attacks.

[TheOriginalMe]

A thread I started a couple of months ago came back to life yesterday. It was full of self loathing and blame. Worthlessness and guilt are a huge part of my depressive episodes. Yet now I feel less depressed and while I can't quite accept that I deserve happiness, I can see that no matter what my faults and flaws I don't deserve depression either.

Hope your keel stays even.

[fluffbuster]

morality is a man-made concept that obviously depends on humans.
humans ain't the only thing in the world or the universe.
look outside the box of 'humanity' and there you might find pleasure, acceptance.
if religion and/or expectations are the cause of your downward look upon yourself - then maybe they are not the avenues you should be investing your time, energy and mind-thoughts too.
"god" supposedly believes in truth. if you are not true to yourself - are you true to 'god'?
- take care.