[freefallin]

My sister has been texting me all day long to let me know what I have to "look forward to" when I move back into my dad's house in less than a week. She told me to make sure I wash my clothes before I come back because they can't use the washing machine anymore because our other sister put maggot eggs inside of it. She told me I'm going to have to find somewhere else to use the bathroom because our other sister has been vomiting and crapping all over the floors and toilet seats in the home bathrooms. She told me to bring bug spray because the house is filled with fruit flies, again because of my disgusting other sister, and that the fruit flies have gotten bigger and more aggressive than they were when I lived there (this makes me wonder if they're not even fruit flies...I have no idea).

I can't deal with going back to that environment. I need to pack my stuff, but all I can do is sit here and cry and keep thinking about how the only way to avoid living there is to die. I wish the stress of it all would just kill me so I don't have to. I know I'm not an incredibly smart or skilled person and therefore have no real use to society. I just don't understand what I did that was so awful to deserve to live like this.

[smmath]

Why do you have to go back? Maybe call social services and see what they can do. That environment does not seem safe to anyone.

[freefallin]

Just no money to live anywhere else. Social services won't do anything. They and the police have been contacted over and over for years. Everyone in the house is an adult, and no one is pregnant or being abused by a spouse, so no one cares.

Are you in the US? I only ask because a lot of states will allow you on state health insurance if you are low-to-no-income. When I was in dire straits a few years back I managed to get insured here in Arizona and the case managers at the admittedly crappy clinic I went to asked me repeatedly if I needed a place to live. A halfway house or something sounds like it would be a huge upgrade to the situation you described above. Admittedly, if I applied again now, I don't think I'd qualify because they've become more stringent.

As far as the useless to society stuff, I have been terrible with self-loathing and worthlessness for years so I understand, to some extent, the place it comes from. I just wanted to tell you you seem very articulate and intelligent when you post here in the forums, a hell of a lot more than a lot of people in society or online. I'm starting to learn that other people can only determine our value if we let them. You seem like you have a ton to offer, just sounds like you're really having a rough time right now. It probably doesn't help any, but you do deserve to be happy and I hope things look up for you.

[freefallin]

I am on my dad's health insurance. I don't use it very often because I don't have money for the copays, deductible, etc. but I am not uninsured.

Thanks, I just don't agree that I have value. I don't need other people to determine my value. I can see it bright as daylight that I'm not good at anything that matters. If complete idiots I went to high school with were able to find excellent jobs, and I can't even get hired for a waitressing job to keep me from living in an abusive and unsanitary environment, clearly I'm not all that great or worthwhile. It's just reality.

[@nonymous]

I hope that you find a better place to stay soon.

[freefallin]

Here is just a SMALL glimpse of the inside of that house.

Here is a picture of a door she destroyed one day when she got mad for a very stupid reason.


Here is a picture of a hallway where you can see fly traps my dad hung to try to capture the thousands of bugs in the house.


I have more I could share, but I don't think anyone wants pictures of fly-infested vomit or menstrual blood smeared on a bedroom door.

[freefallin]

Here is a picture of what the kitchen sink looks like, too. All of those boxes are the food she ate in a SINGLE day to give you an idea of how much she must be puking if she pukes up everything she eats. She makes messes like that because she likes to force people to live in filth. Notice the bug trap above the sink as well. If you look closely, you can see there are at least 100 fruit flies stuck to it.

[flours]

wow, that's horrible! so sorry. probably annoying to get advice all the time that doesn't work.
... but: could you move in with a friend? -I guess you've tried and I am not helping...
most people would understand that this is a bad situation and hope you find a way to get out of there. I hope you will.

[Altered Moment]

You could try calling the Health Dept. They can do something about it. Your father would be pissed though.

[Clara22]

Living with somebody with such mental health condition can be devastating. I share the house with my brother who I think is a borderline. For several reasons i have to stay here until I get my pension. Then we will have to sell the house (I anticipate it will be a pain). Last year I posted about some episodes with my brother. A couple of months ago I had to call 911 as he was threatening me.
But I think what you are experiencing is worse, I believe Zinco advice is a good one