[regretful]

The title says it all...this illness is terrible. If someone were to look at my life from the outside, they'd probably say that it's just fine...I have a beautiful wife, a healthy, handsome intelligent son, a successful business...but I'm lost. This depression sucks the life out of me. I'm tired even though I sleep; I'm hungry, but I don't eat. I used to drink to self-medicate, but I don't anymore (probably the only positive that I have going for me)...only a year ago I enjoyed every waking minute. But when I quit my full-time job to return to a family business, it all started to fall apart...I hate this disease...I hate what it has done to me...I hate what it has done to my family...I hate what it has done with my relationships...I am bogged down with this, and it is beginning to feel, as someone said recently about this, that it will never end...Thanks for taking the time, and thanks for your support. I really need it today more than ever...

[glok]

Hello, regretful. So sad. I wish you well.

Originally Posted by regretful

The title says it all...this illness is terrible. If someone were to look at my life from the outside, they'd probably say that it's just fine...I have a beautiful wife, a healthy, handsome intelligent son, a successful business...but I'm lost. This depression sucks the life out of me. I'm tired even though I sleep; I'm hungry, but I don't eat. I used to drink to self-medicate, but I don't anymore (probably the only positive that I have going for me)...only a year ago I enjoyed every waking minute. But when I quit my full-time job to return to a family business, it all started to fall apart...I hate this disease...I hate what it has done to me...I hate what it has done to my family...I hate what it has done with my relationships...I am bogged down with this, and it is beginning to feel, as someone said recently about this, that it will never end...Thanks for taking the time, and thanks for your support. I really need it today more than ever...

Hello regretful: I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling so poorly! I send you warm thoughts of healing & happiness. Reading your Thread, it sounds as though perhaps there is a relationship between having left your full-time job to return to a family business & the onset of your current depression. May I ask if you believe this to be the case? Or do you feel this is a coincidence?

It certainly is commendable you've been able to refrain from drinking. Many people in your situation would turn to alcohol to cope. I do hope you are able to see a therapist and / or perhaps participate in some group therapy. The road back from major depression can be difficult, as you well know. And, of course, also keep posting here on PC. You have friends here.

[regretful]

Originally Posted by The Skeezyks

Hello regretful: I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling so poorly! I send you warm thoughts of healing & happiness. Reading your Thread, it sounds as though perhaps there is a relationship between having left your full-time job to return to a family business & the onset of your current depression. May I ask if you believe this to be the case? Or do you feel this is a coincidence?

It certainly is commendable you've been able to refrain from drinking. Many people in your situation would turn to alcohol to cope. I do hope you are able to see a therapist and / or perhaps participate in some group therapy. The road back from major depression can be difficult, as you well know. And, of course, also keep posting here on PC. You have friends here.

Hello...you certain can ask...it's no coincidence. Returning to this business certainly catapulted me into this depression. I don't know why I didn't see it before I left that work, but I didn't. It's now nearly 11 months since I left that job...and with this business, I don't know how/when I'll be able to get out...the costs are mounting, the pressures are many, and the enjoyment is ZERO...

Thanks for the compliment about the no drink...I know that is a dead end and only leads to more depression (a priest, 30 years in recovery himself, told me that, and I believe him)...

I'm not in therapy; I had one, and though he's a very nice person, it was just not helping me. I'm not on medications because of costs and side-effects. Having a business allows you the pleasure of having the most expensive and least beneficial insurance - nearly $1000 a month, no Rx coverage (had an Rx for cymbalta at $450 a month, one medication for my son is $100 monthly), $7000 deductible...therapy sessions cost a minimum of $80 each, too. And I was in the hospital earlier this year to the tune of $7000 (which did not count towards the deductible because it was at the end of last year)...it's a nightmare.

It's just a mess. Thanks for the support. I'm really tired of feeling all alone...

[ShiningOne]

Yeah, insurance costs can be a pain sometimes. Anyway, I hope you stay strong for your family and find a job you enjoy in the near future.

[regretful]

Originally Posted by ShiningOne

Yeah, insurance costs can be a pain sometimes. Anyway, I hope you stay strong for your family and find a job you enjoy in the near future.

Thanks...I'm trying to stay strong...it's so tiring. To think that I left it all behind when I had it all in the palm of my hand. I hate this disease...

[lilypup]

That is great that you are not drinking. From experience, that does not help. Stress is such a trigger for me...I always plunge into deep depression about three months after something happens. It does eventually pass...never give up hope.

[TheOriginalMe]

Hang on in there. You have my admiration going it alone and without meds. I've got meds at least, thankfully that is one thing the NHS does OK with. Each Rx item costs £8.05, no matter what the real price. There are lots of exemptions from paying too, sadly I don't qualify for them though.

I just handed back all my unused Cymbalta to the pharmacy, shame I couldn't have mailed it over to you I wonder how many laws that would break?

[waterknob1234]

I understand the stress of running a family business. Sometimes the overhead is so high you don't see a profit and go in a hole. We have been there. Yes you pay more for insurance that covers less. You about can't afford to go to the doctor or buy medicine. I understand your burdens are heavy. You are in our thoughts. Keep posting to us.

[Altered Moment]

I really feel for you bud. It has been getting steadily worse for you since I have known you here. You are between a rock and a hard place with insurance therapy and meds. Self employed and owning a business gets hammered from all angles. I really hope this thing just runs it's course and will be over with. That is what usually happens with me.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[regretful]

It really is terrible, and I didn't see my life being this way...at nearly 49 years old, I should have been at a different point. This is a miserable way to live. I woke up this morning with the thought that it cannot be possible to loathe every waking minute of your life, but I'm coming very close to that. I appreciate the sympathy. I'm trying to work through this, but all that I see is a persistent struggle to get nowhere...

[Caseymoff]

Originally Posted by regretful

The title says it all...this illness is terrible. If someone were to look at my life from the outside, they'd probably say that it's just fine...I have a beautiful wife, a healthy, handsome intelligent son, a successful business...but I'm lost. This depression sucks the life out of me. I'm tired even though I sleep; I'm hungry, but I don't eat. I used to drink to self-medicate, but I don't anymore (probably the only positive that I have going for me)...only a year ago I enjoyed every waking minute. But when I quit my full-time job to return to a family business, it all started to fall apart...I hate this disease...I hate what it has done to me...I hate what it has done to my family...I hate what it has done with my relationships...I am bogged down with this, and it is beginning to feel, as someone said recently about this, that it will never end...Thanks for taking the time, and thanks for your support. I really need it today more than ever...

Hi, I understand, it is terrible and feels like it will never end. I have to hope that it will, and try to hold onto that. I have been ill for about a year, fighting my way out. It is hard but I think I am a lot better than I was. I hope that happens for you as well....maybe it's a gradual improvement process?

[Caseymoff]

I am sending good thoughts your way, it sounds so hard. I have been severely depressed for about a year,, this is my fourth bout during my lifetime, always precipitated by something bad that happens in my life. It is a battle, the hardest one anyone can face, but I've prevailed three other times and I am trying this time. So I understand how you feel, but don't give up.

[regretful]

Originally Posted by Caseymoff

I am sending good thoughts your way, it sounds so hard. I have been severely depressed for about a year,, this is my fourth bout during my lifetime, always precipitated by something bad that happens in my life. It is a battle, the hardest one anyone can face, but I've prevailed three other times and I am trying this time. So I understand how you feel, but don't give up.

The worst part of this is that I know what led to it...quitting a decent job. I succumbed to some pressure that I shouldn't have because I know that when I quit that I was putting myself into the same situation that had me depressed a couple of years before. I figure that I've been dealing with this since at least 2008...by 2010 I found that medication helped - in 2011 terrible events led to a relapse...in 2012 I took meds, found work, and was, for the better part of a year, on top of the world. Then in September 2013 I quit a decent job to return to this family business where the is literally nothing for me to do other than worry about keeping it going. Yes, this is a tremendous battle - and I feel like I'm losing ground every single minute of every single day...

Thank you for your concern. It's good to read that people do get through this. I got through it once; just wish that I could remember how...

[Fuzzybear]

[regretful]

The continuing saga...just returned to an office at a place of business that I own but where I have nothing to do...I was on a short ride with my wife - she said she doesn't know what to do for me anymore, and that I have to stop living in the past...I hate, hate, hate, hate, this illness. I was a generally content person at one point in my life. Now, it's all misery, everywhere I look; if I could change my mood to something more severe than in pain, I would, but that picture of the little face exploding tears is just how I feel...thanks for the concern...

[Clara22]

Hi,
Wow, this is hard to live with. The tricky part of judging our past decisions in life is that now we know a bunch of things that we did not know then. Now, things appear crystal clear, but we must consider that they did not look like that to us then. It reminds me my past profession assisting children to learn very closely: you could see children attitude when they got an insight or consolidated a new concept: they went right to the bone. Before they were rambling around, trying, non sense errors, using multiple aids. Once they learned something, they discarded all those behaviors. If you asked them if they wanted some of old aids or procedures, they would tell you " what for", offended, as if they had never needed these tools in the past. They could call those tools as silly ones, or call silly themselves. It was themselves in the present judging themselves in the past.
I do not know your case, so what I am saying may not apply to you, but to me, judging myself in the past it is a temptation I have to avoid. When I participated in the church I was told it was almost like a sin of pride. They told me to put the past in God hands and to begin again. Sometimes, it works for me, even though I am not a believer right now. I was told that to be more spiritual, I needed to practice detachment, including detachment from what I did in the past (both, good and bad things). It is difficult, though, but it brings relief

[regretful]

Originally Posted by Clara22

Hi,
Wow, this is hard to live with. The tricky part of judging our past decisions in life is that now we know a bunch of things that we did not know then. Now, things appear crystal clear, but we must consider that they did not look like that to us then. It reminds me my past profession assisting children to learn very closely: you could see children attitude when they got an insight or consolidated a new concept: they went right to the bone. Before they were rambling around, trying, non sense errors, using multiple aids. Once they learned something, they discarded all those behaviors. If you asked them if they wanted some of old aids or procedures, they would tell you " what for", offended, as if they had never needed these tools in the past. They could call those tools as silly ones, or call silly themselves. It was themselves in the present judging themselves in the past.
I do not know your case, so what I am saying may not apply to you, but to me, judging myself in the past it is a temptation I have to avoid. When I participated in the church I was told it was almost like a sin of pride. They told me to put the past in God hands and to begin again. Sometimes, it works for me, even though I am not a believer right now. I was told that to be more spiritual, I needed to practice detachment, including detachment from what I did in the past (both, good and bad things). It is difficult, though, but it brings relief

Thanks...you don't have to know my case to make an excellent point, as you did. I'm very guilty of this sin of pride; I'm having such difficulty detaching from the past. In fact, I'm mired in it - deeply. Every day that I wake up I have this constant nagging thought that the past was better than the present - mainly because I was not depressed during 2012-2013 (first time I wasn't in about 4 years)...but it's such a mess right now - so I'll take away from this the idea of detachment and try to practice it the best that I can...anything to get out of this - anything because I'm really suffering worse than I ever have.

[Clara22]

I am very low too, the future freaks me out, I am sick and anyway I skipped a doctor appointment today, I am a mess